Vik's take: Shallow AND Pedantic

baseball vs. football

2010-04-05T19:50:00.000-05:00

Once it became inevitable that the Eagles would be trading quarterback Donovan McNabb, the issue then became one of timing.

And, coincidentally or not, the timing meshed with -- and overshadowed -- the bunting-filled launch of baseball season. To the dismay of MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

Asked about the McNabb deal, Selig sounded off, per Mark Viera of the Washington Post. "Goodness gracious, I'm a football fan -- this is Opening Day," Selig said. "If you really want to know I'm going to give you a brutally honest answer. I got up at 5:30 this morning and did my daily workout. And I was watching an unnamed channel and that's all they were talking about. I turned it off, that was my reaction. My goodness gracious."

Apart from the fact that Selig violated the code of baseball ~~elitists~~ purists and openly acknowledged the sport they regard as pro wrestling on grass, Selig broke out a grossly outdated phrase -- twice.

Then again, "goodness gracious" probably is appropriate, since it rose to popularity in the 1960s, the last decade in which

Hey look, another list!!

2010-03-03T20:04:00.004-06:00

Let's talk about one of the all time greats. Fajitas.

Legend has it that fajitas were invented in Houston by "Mama" Ninfa Laurenzo in 1971. After her husband died and she faced financial difficulty, Mama Ninfa opened a restaurant. One day, a customer asked her for something special. Mama Ninfa decided to place char-grilled strips of beef, along with grilled onions and peppers, inside a tortilla and serve these along with guacamole, sour cream and all the fixin's. The rest, as they say, is history.

Now, whether this story is true or not is largely immaterial. It's a good story. And it's a good segue to our list.

1. Of course, the best fajitas are at the original Ninfas on Navigation Boulevard. None of the other Ninfas are related to this one, and none of the Ninfas are still owned by the original family. But, this one is owned by the son of a woman who worked with Mama Ninfa from the get go.

In essence, these are the best fajitas in the world. People drive from all over Houston to this restaurant, which is somewhat in the hood. All the food is good, and so are the margaritas. But the best reason to come here is for fajitas. There really is no room for discussion on this point. The rest of the places are in no real particular order, but this is number one.

2. El Tiempo. This group of restaurants, including the signature 1308, are owned by the family of the late Mama Ninfa. These are very good fajitas. You can get filet mignon fajitas, if you want to. These are served in a slightly more fancy way and come with a dipping sauce. Don't get me wrong, these are very good. But not quite as good as the original.

3. Lupe Tortillas. Now, in my opinion, Lupe can be a bit hit or miss. These places are PACKED on the weekends. There are too many little kids running around. And the wait can take forever. But these fajitas are great. Perhaps the best part are the tortillas. Just great. I will say that a few times I've had fajitas that were fat too well done. (Meaning burnt). But this is a solid option, especially if it's not a weekend.

4. Cadillac Bar. These fajitas are a bit different. They come with mushrooms and other veggies. There is an option with melted cheese. A little different. But the fajitas are good.

5. Goode Co. Taqueria. Of course, Goode Co. is known more for the BBQ and the pecan pie, but the taqueria is damned good too. If you ask me, the BBQ has gone down hill a bit in recent years. Perhaps I've become spoiled by the food in the BBQ Corridor of Central Texas, but still. Take a little pride. Anyway, back to the topic. These are good solid fajitas. Way better than the salmonela inducing Pappasitos (more on this in a coming post), Goode Co. is always a solid option if you're around Kirby.

6. Guadalajara. This place does not get enough credit. They have good food. And the prices are reasonable. Sure, the fajitas aren't as good as Ninfas, but nobody can compete with those fajitas. Solid option.

Hey look, another list!!

2010-02-22T20:47:00.004-06:00

You know one of the best part of weekends?

Breakfast. I'm not talking about a bowl of cereal or a granola bar, but a real breakfast.

Calmly and peacefully eaten, likely with coffee, breakfast is not only the most important meal of the day, it's the most delicious. With that being said, not all breakfast is created equal. There are certain breakfast superstars. Being in Texas allows some of us access to the real cream of this crop (minus the #1 stunner, so to speak)

We will go in reverse order, for a change. Let's get to the list.

6. Hash browns/tater tots/home fries/any kind of breakfast potato. Maybe because I'm Irish, but breakfast potatoes are clutch. You almost can't have a good breakfast without potatoes.

5. Shrimp omelet. That's an inside joke. I'm sorry, you probably don't get it.

4. Kolaches. I've recently learned that some people don't know what these are. I pity you. Sausage and cheese is the best. And Christie's makes the best. That is all.

3. Brunch. I include this in the broader category of breakfast because this is the first meal of the day. And it's often the last one. Combining lunch and breakfast (two of the top three meals of the day in my opinion [sorry, I couldn't resist that one]) is a great idea. Mix in a blood mary and you're off to a great start.

2. Breakfast Tacos. There is a generic entry. Filled with eggs, cheese and another item, such as chorizo, bacon and or potato and topped with salsa, these little doozies are fan-damn-tastic. If you're close to Washington Avenue in Houston, try out Laredo Tacqueria or El Rey. If you're close to downtown, try Brother's Taqueria. Although you should know they speak NO English there.

1. Chef's Special Omelet at Camelia Grill. Bacon, onions, peppers, french fries, turkey, cheese and chili. It might seem weird if you've never had it but this is the best breakfast in the world. Trust me. The ambiance is great at Camelia, but the food is even better.

If you're absolutely starving, try the pie after you eat. There is virtually no chance you'll be able to do so, but might as well try. You won't eat again till dinner time, but the Chef's Special is too good to pass up.

Note: this used to be an off-the-menu special but is now on the menu front and center.

Welcome to the Freakshow Part 2

2010-02-04T20:40:00.003-06:00

Ok, so earlier I blogged about some of the weirdos who live in my apartment complex. I'll reiterate that it's a fine place to live. Not the most glamorous of places but it is a good location. It's been good to me over the years. Anyway, on the the post.

The gym is seemingly the epicenter of the wackos and freaks who live here. I've maintained that for some time. I'll get there in a moment, but let me provide a little background.

Back when Frenchy and Stephen lived in this complex, we used to hang out at their apartment frequently. I'd walk over to the west side of the complex and a good time was had by all. Many of you have been to our parties over there. You can vouch for that.

Anyhoo, soon before they left, this weird, short, old lady moved in to an apartment on that side. She's always look at us (mostly me) in a strange and distrustful way. She'd frequently double back so we wouldn't know which apartment she lived in. I used to double back on her double back just to screw with her paranoid head. Good times, really.

Which brings me to today and the gym. I'm in there trying to do a little cardio. This wacko walks in wearing an overcoat. It must have come from the kids section because it wasn't dragging on the ground and she's at most 4'8". She walks around and cases the joint before deciding what to do. She really gave me the stink eye. It freaked me out. I thought she was going to go nuts and kill all of us with the shotgun she had tucked into her overcoat.

What does she do first? Shed her overcoat to reveal a hoodie. Which then comes off revealing yet another hoodie. I'm thinking to myself, lady, it's 50 degrees. Good lord. 5 shirts is a bit much. I'm wearing shorts. Relax. It's still Houston.

Anyway, after shedding her her three outer layers (kind of like a snake) she decides to clean off one of the leg press machines. She uses the provided sanitary wipes and cleans it off. Then she decides (in a gym full of 4 or 5 guys and her) to change on the the two TVs to Discovery Health. Mind you it was on ESPN.

The guys were all on that side of the gym and watching the end of a college basketball game. Well, the Duchess decides to change it over to some crap about grandmothers in Peru. I'm not even kidding. And flops down and begins to read a magazine. Not exercise. Not share the TV. But sit, read a magazine and monopolize the TV.

The guys all look around and are thinking did that really happen? Well, of course it did. So, me, being somewhat outspoken say (and I actually said this politely [there is a small contingent of you people {no, not those people} who think I'm abrasive at all times. This is simply not true. I certainly can be and I'll admit I've done my fair share and then some of mouth running but I'm capable of being polite and pleasant and spread my share of cheer] "Ma'am, we were watching that. Can you switch it back or change the other TV away from Bravo?"

Well, of course, this lady pretends like she can't hear me. I ask again. Channel 33. No response. I ask a third time. She says she can't hear me. She gets up from the machine she'd been sitting on (not exercising) and asks me if I want to watch channel 23. I say no, 33. I show three fingers on each hand. No avail. Finally, I ask if she'll hand me the remote. She relents. Order is restored.

Now, this isn't meant to be sexist, but if there are 4 or five guys watching sports, you just shouldn't up and change the dang channel. At least ask. That's why there are two TVs. If people are clearly reacting to what's going on in the game, have some sense. They're probably watching and couldn't give two craps about Peruvian abuelas.

Finally, and this got me the worst, was after the other TV was changed to her show, she didn't even look up at it the remaining time I was there. It was on mute and she read her magazine. What the hell is going on over there?

Freak show.

Movies that you like that I think are awful to disappointing

2010-02-01T19:12:00.004-06:00

I don't mean that to be combative. I'm just saying that most people like the following movies and I just don't like them. Well, enough of this flim flam. Let's get to the list.

1. Super Bad. Maybe there was just too much hype. Maybe I should have seen it earlier. But I saw this on DVD (and yes, I have it on DVD) soon after it hit stores. I watched with Luke and Jay over Christmas break. They thought it was great. I was so disappointed.

I mean, there were some good lines. But for the most part, I thought it was just not funny. I didn't like Michael Cera's character, or the curly haired kid, or the nerd. Perhaps if I hadn't heard how great the movie was for a year before I saw it, Super Bad would have been funnier to me. But alas, I did and it was not.

2. District 9. When I first saw an ad for this movie, I thought it would be like Independence Day, only with better graphics. I mean, aliens, graphics, and Peter Jackson. And the result was...pure crap.

It's almost like somebody remade Jurassic Park, renamed it "Brian and the Clonoo-saurus" and it ended up being stupid. Plus some really subtle (and by that I mean as subtle as a sledgehammer) political themes about racism and Apartheid.

Now, of course, nobody is pro-Apartheid. And I'm not saying I am. But I don't want to watch a movie about aliens and be reminded of how terrible South Africa's record on human rights is. Call me old fashioned.

3. The Deer Hunter. On paper, a war move, De Niro, the guy who played Freddo and Christopher Walken sounds like a formula for success. And in the end, we're left with a slow, boring and stupid movie. There was only one good scene (di di mao) and most of the movie was about drinking beer. Anybody who says they like this movie and is under 45 should not be trusted to have good taste in movies. Even average taste is movies is out of the question for fans of this movie.

4. Departed. Now, this movie was good. But I thought it could have been an all-time great. Epic (hi Laura) caste, great story, good plot twist potential. All on paper though, unfortunately.

I thought Jack Nicholson mailed this one in. And it really killed the movie. He could have made this movie an all-time great like the Godfather or Godfather II by nailing the role of the head of the organized crime family.

But he was Colonel Jessup, the Joker and the author from As Good as it Gets. In other news, he was the same character he has been since 1989.

Next, it was a little (and by little I mean very) heavy handed. The rat at the end? Was that necessary, Marty? We're not morons, we understand what happened.

The killing at the end? A little too easily wrapped up. Damon killing Jack? Jack being a rat himself? Damon trying to screw over Leo's undercover character? Come on, we see this coming Marty.

In the end, this was a good movie. But it left too much on the table and could have been great or better. Too bad.

5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I couldn't even finish the movie it was that bad. Seeing the dude's junk in the first few minutes didn't help anything either. This movie is similar to Super Bad. I just heard so many people say it was so good. Expectations were somewhat high and the movie was just...disappointing.

6. Step Brothers. Now, I like John C. what's his name and Will Farrell. And I like stupid comedy. But this movie was crap. Another movie I couldn't watch. I had to turn off the TV both times I tried to watch it. What was good about this movie? Farrell shouting? I've see him do that ten times before. It's no longer funny. I hope you're saving your money, buddy.

Oh when the Saints go marching in...

2010-01-25T20:55:00.007-06:00

Sure, that was a cheesy title, but you'll live. It's also perfectly apt. This is a sports alert for those of you who don't care about sports (this means you, Abbie).

As you're well aware, I'm a huge Texans fan. They are my favorite NFL team, by a long shot. Even though they've been tough to watch at times. And the Longhorns are my favorite football team.

And you're also well aware that I'm a huge fan of all things Texan. Let's face it. You might have a different opinion of Texas than I do, but you're wrong. More on this later.

With the Saints going to the Super Bowl after a stellar game against the Vikings, things are different. (Quick side note: I can't believe how great that game was, considering five of my least favorite [read: most hated] players were involved: Reggie Bush, Brett Favre, Jeremy Shockey, Adrian Peterson and Jared Allen).

Anyway, the Saints going to the Super Bowl is just flat out enormous for the city of New Orleans. Remember, just a few years ago, the Super Dome was leaking and full of people fleeing from Katrina (the Storm, according to people in New Orleans). Now, the Dome is a symbol for redemption and rebuilding.

Now, of course, football is king in Texas. High school football. College football. Two NFL teams. It's all huge in Texas. If the Texans ever make it to the Super Bowl (hell, even the playoffs), Texan fans will go nuts. But it won't compare with what's going on with the Saints.

There is no city that loves one team more than New Orleans absolutely loves the Saints. For so long, the Saints were the only team in town. And they were bad for so long. Sure, there were a few scattered good years, but for the most part, the Saints were the Aints. Yet, the entire city rallied around the team. Not just the football fans, but the ENTIRE CITY.

For nearly the entire season, there wasn't a murder during a Saints game. For a city that is still among the most violent in the United States, that's a telling statistic. The Saints just bring people together.

After the storm, the Saints played an insane game against the Falcons on Monday Night Football. U2 opened the game. Then the Saints blocked a punt for a touchdown early in the game. Listen to the crowd. It was pandemonium.

Sure, it was just one play, but for people who live in New Orleans or love New Orleans, it meant much more. The fans were already in a frenzy, but this sent them over the edge. It seemed like this meant everything would be OK. New Orleans would not only survive, but would thrive once again.

Do you remember where you were when Katrina was bearing down on New Orleans? Do you remember feeling things might never be the same? Do you remember having sad conversations with your friends and family about what could happen? Do you remember having uplifting conversations reliving old memories at the same time? Do you remember taking in refugees? Do you think you'll ever forget that?

Now, do you remember where you were when the Saints made it to the Super Bowl?

Rooting for the Saints isn't the right thing to do because you've been to New Orleans and had a po'boy or a hurricane. Or a beignet or a hand grenade. Or a chili omelet (with cheese) or a Bloody Mary while doing your laundry. Or caught some plastic beads or golden coconut.

Rooting for the Saints means you're rooting for the city of New Orleans to survive and come back stronger than ever.

Having gone to Tulane and grown up to a degree in New Orleans, I'll always have a soft spot for the Saints. The Saints are more than just a football team. They are a symbol for the entire city. More than just a fleur de lis. Rebuilt. Redeemed.

Getting to the Super Bowl means that the city is almost all the way back. Winning the game would mean so much more. Even though the Colts are favored and likely to win, New Orleans is back.

Oh when the Saints...Go Marching in...

You know what really grinds my gears?

2010-01-23T17:38:00.002-06:00

You know what really grinds my gears? People who complain about me not blogging. Hello, I have a real job now. And that job is not writing this nonsense for your amusement.

I'm talking to you, Holly, Michele, Will Hayes, Trey, Jordy, etc. I appreciate you reading and I truly appreciate you wanting to read more, but come on. I can't blog from work anymore, since, you know, I have a real job and can't surf the internet most of the day. In all seriousness, I'm not really mad. This only gives me a jumping off point for this blog post and also gives me a (semi-legitimate) reason/excuse for not blogging more.

You know what else grinds my gears? The new "poppiness" in country music. Country music is only supposed to be about momma, or trains, or trucks, or prison, or gettin' drunk. Not all this whiny crapola that comes on the radio now. I can count on two hands the newer country artists I still like. There are even some older (more established, perhaps) performers who have succumbed to poppy flavor in recent years. Tim McGraw, Dierks Bentley, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, etc. I'm talking to you. You are garbage.

You know what else grinds my gears? Two other things, actually, and I'll briefly go into them here. First, people who move their heads constantly while talking. Now, I know I move my hands when I talk. I'll admit. I'm not Italian guy bad, but my hands move when I make emphatic points.

But to move your head like an Alexi Lalas (not sure why I went with Lalas, it just popped into my head as an annoying bobble head guy) bobble head doll is just ridiculous. Stop it. You look like an idiot.

Finally, there is a woman who works where I do. I don't want to say where it is after the other blogging incident at Harris County, but let's just call it the Ralveston Rounty Ristrict Rattorney's Roffice, shall we? This lady, who I've seen walking, parks in a handicapped spot every morning. That's just not right.

There are a few people who work there who need to park close to the building because of their handicaps, and I'm in favor of that. But for a perfectly healthy woman who is just lazy to park there is shameful. And to do it outside the Criminal Justice Center is just flaunting her laziness to a higher degree. She's basically saying I don't give a $hit, give me a ticket, but I'm parking closer to the building than the rest of you suckers.

From the Onion and worth sharing

2010-01-19T21:56:00.002-06:00

NEW YORK—In an effort to clear up the confusion caused by terminology such as "unconsistentical" and "splosiverance," CBS producers made a formal request Monday that NFL Today commentator Shannon Sharpe use a minimum of three real words in each sentence.

"We tried to convey to Mr. Sharpe that peppering in a few words that actually exist will help viewers understand what he's talking about," executive producer Sean McManus said. "Providing fans with some context is key for Shannon.

It is much easier to comprehend what he means when he says, 'Andre Johnson needimentally must keep advantagizing opportunimals this week.'"

Sharpe has yet to make any intelligible comment on the situation

The Definition of Irony

2010-01-11T21:20:00.002-06:00

Ok, so on my commute to Galveston, I drive by a few of the "adult oriented entertainment" bars in Houston. One of the biggest ones a lot of us have heard of is called "Heart Breakers."

Now, I'm not going into go too far here, so you can relax. This is a family blog. So keep the comments family friendly as well.

Anyway, on to the ironic part. Immediately next door to this establishment is a 40 foot high billboard for a church.

The sign implores motorists and passengers to come to the church after their heart has been broken.

The location, the wording, the imagery. It's great. I think the bill board sets forth this kind of message: go to the strip club on Saturday night and then get forgiven on Sunday in church.

This is perhaps one of the problems with organized religion. (Note I said perhaps so I don't want to hear anything from those of you readers who happen to be more religious than some of the others.) Some of the other problems include war and abuse of children. I suppose I've offended plenty of people so I guess I'll call it a night.

There's no such thing is a small role...Part 1

2010-01-05T21:38:00.005-06:00

I don't really know how that line goes or what it means, but whatever. It works as a title.

Anyway, let's get straight to the point. There are certain characters in TV shows (and movies too, but I'm sticking to TV right now) that don't play central roles. They aren't stars. But they bring something big to the table.

Usually there is some humor involved or some sort of quirk. The show would go on without these characters, but they make the show better, undoubtedly. Let's make our way to the list. (Finally, before the list, keep in mind that this is in no particular order. It's just how they came to mind.)

1. Chloe from 24. You know who she is. The quirky/witchy (you know what I mean) computer analyst who handles everything computer related for hero Jack Bauer. Her interactions with other characters is downright hilarious. We all know people like that. Good at what they do but have ZERO personal skills. This is her, to a tee. Priceless.

2. Ted from Scrubs. Good lord, every time old Teddy boy is on the screen, I start laughing. He's such a loser. Bald as a cue ball, completely incompetent. But priceless. It's great when Kelso (and everyone, really) treats him like garbage. The incident with the dog being smarter than Ted...gold. And let's not forget the singing. Oh, the singing.

3. Clay Davis from The Wire. He is best known for being a corrupt state Senator, but if you ask me, his best attribute is the way he elongates the "S", "H", and "I" in one of America's favorite curse words. Really adds some humor to the show. Also he has a cool mustache.

4. Eddie from Frasier. Great looking dog. And a great actor, too. I don't know if everyone considers a dog an actor, but this dog is great. Barking at the right times. Running at the right times. Starting at Frasier at the right times. Pure comedic talent.

5. Jackie Chiles from Sienfeld. You may know him as Kramer's attorney. Loosely based on Johnnie Cochrane, Jackie could rhyme anything in a legal setting. He would throw down words that made no sense but still sounded good with the best of them. Take it back, he must have been based on Al Sharpton.

Well, that's part 1. I'll add some more another time.

Happy New Year

2010-01-03T20:55:00.002-06:00

2009 was a great year. I'm also sad to see it go.

I graduated from law school, passed the Texas Bar Exam and got a job with the Galveston County District Attorney's office. That's really all I could ask for in a year, but there was more.

Trey moved back to Houston and got out of the Army. He has a son, Michael (not named for Naaman although they have the same sense of direction).

Plenty of friends got married, including Abbie, Laura, and Jenn and Grant.

I bought a billionaire (Mark Cuban) a drink in New Orleans, I hugged a Rocket (Carl Landry) in Houston and I rang in the New Year with Yao Ming's parents.

I took trips to Las Vegas, New Orleans, New York and India. I also went on an amazing BBQ road trip across the great state of Texas.

With that being said, 2010 could be even better. I'm not sure how, but I'm confident it will be. Happy New Year everyone.

The Complete Military History of France

2009-12-24T11:16:00.005-06:00

Does anything get you in the Christmas spirit more than making fun of France? I didn't think so.

For the record, I'm not some right wing nut job. I do like country music, but I'm a rational and sane person. This is a joke. If you can't take a joke, don't read this blog. Also, a great deal of credit to my cousin Jay (of Wire watching and chachin' fame, amongst others) for this.

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage. With that being said, let's take a stroll down memory lane.

Gallic Wars
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or, at this time in history, a Roman -editor's note.]

Hundred Years War
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

Italian Wars
Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the [self-described?] Huguenots.

Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War
Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also ... French.

The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -editor's note]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina
Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Mediterranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrenees until the modern day.

Other French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are bad dudes when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

Eighth Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot Line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

Or, better still, the quote from The Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Grumpy Old Men or Babies?

2009-12-22T18:13:00.005-06:00

Hall of Fame coach Don Shula, who led the 1972 Miami Dolphins to the only perfect season in NFL history, recently said that he fears that the team's feat finally will be exceeded in 2009.

"They're a legitimate concern," Shula said regarding the Colts and Saints. "I'm rooting secretly inside that somebody beats them."

As to the Saints, Shula has gotten his wish. As to the Colts, only five chances remain.

Now, with a 19-0 mark from the Colts looking possible, Shula is trying to change the image of the team that set the standard 37 years ago.

"We get accused of being a bunch of grumpy old guys that get together and hope and pray that the last undefeated team gets beaten and that's not true at all," Shula told NFL Network's Steve Mariucci on The Coaches Show.

(Shula's right. It's not true. Based on Shula's comments from last week, they root secretly that the last undefeated team loses.)

"If somebody does what we've done, I'm going to be the first guy to call that coach and congratulate him," Shula said. "But until they do, we're very proud of that record. . . . People that have records want to continue to have those records. But, you've got to be a sportsman and if somebody breaks or ties that record, you've got to acknowledge that and congratulate them -- and we'll do that."

Still, the annual bottle of champagne that gets popped when the last undefeated team loses creates a much different image.

And don't even get me started on Mercury Morris, who has remained amazingly quiet only two years after sharing with anyone and everyone who'd listen to his anti-Patriot rantings.

The '72 Dolphins had the second easiest schedule in the history of the NFL and they played in an era before free agency. Their accomplishment means less, if you ask me.

Hello? Records are meant to be broken. Acting so petulant any time another team even sniffs going undefeated doesn't make you sound like a baby, does it? Actually, yes it does. You sound like an anus. (You know what I mean and I do try to keep this family friendly)

Act like a man. Not a child. The 1972 Dolphins really grind my gears. Nice Christmas spirit, jackasses.

The Top 10 Movies of 2009

2009-12-21T22:21:00.005-06:00

Well, if your family is anything like mine, the holidays are a great time to catch up on movies and watch old classics. Movies like Gladiator, Snatch and Major League are always good movies, and there are some new movies we all want to see. This year saw some really good movies come out, and I even managed to see some of them.

Here's how the list works. These are movies I've seen in 2009. Not necessarily those that came out in 2009, but movies that were new to me in 2009. So, Avatar is not on the list because I've not seen it, although I've heard from everyone who's seen it that it was awesome. Let's get to the list.

1. The Hangover. This one is obvious. So funny. There are some people who haven't seen it, and they need to do it ASAP. Best movie of the year in a land slide. So quotable. Just great. I can't say enough about it. The deleted scenes are funny. The extra photos are funny. Just an incredible movie.

2. The Dark Knight. I saw this on DVD in 2009. If you read the category description above, you wouldn't be complaining about me including this on the list. Also, if you knew I didn't go to the movie theater that often you'd understand more of the movies on this list. But, anyway, this latest Batman was really good. Not as good as Batman begins, but good.

3. The Wrestler. This was sad. Especially as somebody who used to enjoy watching the WWF/WWE (I know it's fake, but it was pretty danged entertaining). In this movie, just when you're set up to think things are going to go well, they don't. It's somewhat predictable, but the pattern of behavior is just sad.

4. Frost/Nixon. I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all, but I had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen in this movie from some of the reading I have done over the years. Still, the acting in this movie was top notch. (That was meant to sound British. I'm not sure why I went with that accent, but I did. I blame the anesthesia from my wisdom teeth removal [how you like them apples, Katy?]).

5. Run Fat Boy Run. This could perhaps explain why I went British on that last movie. Simon Pegg is flat our hilarious. Not Ricky Gervais funny, but not as far away as you might think. Hanks Azaria does a great job in a supporting role. We all know how funny he is.

6. Inglorious Basterds. I thought this would be funnier, but I still liked it. I guess any movie that glorifies killing Nazis will be pretty good, but this was a good movie. The parallel stories was interesting.

7. Rock N Rolla. Guy Ritchie makes awesome movies, and this was no exception. My only complaint was that with so many big name actors, some of the roles seemed forced. As in, because this is Jeremy Piven, we should give him more lines. Even though they add nothing to the story, let's give a "big time" actor some more lines. Still though, good movie. Just hard to compare it to Snatch.

8. Role Models. To say this was a surprisingly good movie. Jane Lynch is funny, even if she is the same character in every show or movie. I watched this on HBO or Showtime one night during Thanksgiving and it was just so funny. Of course, it could be blamed on the pumpkin pie.

9. Gran Torino. Other than Clint Eastwood singing at the end of the movie and the ending being patently obvious, this was entertaining. Not a shoot 'em up, but Eastwood directly well.

10. Star Trek. This was a HUGE surprise to me. I saw it one night on DVD with Jordy and Trey (who not only share a passion for movies but have the same birthday) on their recommendation and it was good. I didn't get most of the Star Trek stuff that hasn't been made fun of on The Simpsons, but it was still good. I'm glad Jordy was able to explain the dorky stuff to me, but this was a good movie. If you haven't seen it because of any Trekkie hangup, you should. It's solid.

What were some other good movies y'all saw in 2009? I know Avatar should be on the list. Anything else?

Chris Henry

2009-12-18T00:11:00.003-06:00

All I can say is that this was a tragedy.

If you haven't heard, Bengals WR Chris Henry died this week after falling out of or off of a moving pickup truck driven by his fiance. We don't know the facts or circumstances surrounding this accident. There's no reason to speculate. We just don't know at this point.

What we do know is that Chris Henry had seemingly turned his life around. Sure, he made some stupid mistakes in his early twenties. I'm not advocating drinking and driving and using drugs or any of the things he did. They were wrong and he paid his debt to society and to the NFL. Do you want to be remembered for what you did when you were 23? I didn't think so.

After he was cut by the Bengals after one too many transgressions, Henry got his act together. He quit staying out late. He quit drinking and driving. He was planning on getting married. He had matured.

Look, we shouldn't judge a kid (and he really was a kid when he made these mistakes) who came from nothing but poverty in New Orleans to star in college and get drafted into the NFL. He finally came into money and didn't know how to handle it. We should be able to forgive his stupid mistakes. It seemed like he was turning the corner.

Of course, he made mistakes. But he learned from them. And isn't that what's important. It's not that people make mistakes, but it's what they learn from them. Without trying to sound too cheesy, America is the land of second chances. It's really tragic Chris Henry couldn't live out his entire second chance.

I didn't particularly like Chris Henry as a player. I don't really care about the Bengals. I know a few people who read this blog do care and I won't take any shots at them or the team. I do care about second chances. And I feel like Chris Henry was going to make the most out of his. Too bad.

Tiger Woods

2009-12-10T09:41:00.002-06:00

In short, who cares?

I suppose if I left it at that, this would be a waste of everyone's time. So, let's jump in a little deeper mmm'kay?

First of all, I don't really care who Tiger Woods has affairs with or if he has affairs. I'm not condoning his behavior, but I'm beyond the point of caring which athlete/celebrity/politician is having an affair. It happens. Everyday people have affairs, too, but it's not plastered on the front page and all over TV. Get over it people. Pull the wool off of your eyes.

Second, who still looks to celebrities for moral guidance? Are there athletes and entertainers and politicians worth emulating? Of course, there are some. And, at the same time, there are countless others who are simply not. But, and I've maintained this stance for some time now, these should not be the people we emulate or seek out for moral guidance.

Charles Barkley had a point even if it was delivered poorly. Teachers, parents, spiritual leaders, professionals...these should be our guides. Not a dude who can run a 4.4 or throw a baseball 95 mph. Come on meow. Don't you need to know a person before you can try to look up to them for anything more than what you can see? Sure, Lebron is an incredible basketball player, but do you or I know him at all? Do we know how his morality measures up to our own, let alone anyone else? I say no.

Do I wish I could putt like Tiger? Sure, who doesn't? But I look for moral guidance from other sources. People I actually know. People I actually know well. And people who I've seen acting ethically and morally and know right from wrong. These are people we should strive to be like. Maybe they can't putt or dunk or sing or act, but they stay out of trouble, lead ethical lives, and can sleep well at night.

Third, if everyone else is gossipping and speculating about what happened, I should be allowed to do a little of that too, right? Elin Woods, Tiger (maybe they should call him Cheetah Woods? [that is Britney's joke, so I'll give her full credit for it]) was not trying to save Tiger when she bashed in the rear windows of his Escalade. He hit a tree and a hydrant. Were the other windows not within range or more convenient to get him out of? I didn't think so. She was trying to hit the car and or him with the club.

Note she also had two clubs with her. Why would she need two different clubs? The words "felony" and "assault" come to mind, but that's just my take(shallow and pedantic, I'll add) on it.

Fourth, I know that Gatorade claims they dropped Tiger's line of Gatorade before this all came down, but does anyone buy that? Sprite did the same thing with Kobe (who I still don't like. It might be the holidays but I still don't like Kobe, T-Mac, the Dallas Cowboys or Tim Tebow, even if I haven't publicly stated that in a while.) after his incident in Colorado. Was he cleared of all wrong doing? Yes, but Kobe's image slipped there. He lost a major endorsement and lost some luster in the public's eye. I'd say he's gained some if not most of that back, but he's not spotless anymore.

The same can be said about Tiger, even though he hasn't been accused of any criminal wrongdoing. (Note I said accused before you fly off the handle, people who defend Kobe blindly no matter how much logic is used against you). Tiger's no longer has a perfect image. He's still the best golfer in the world and probably of all time. But he's not the golden boy anymore. Sure, he can parade around with his wife and kids and show that he's still a family man. And he might even get more endorsements out of it, but the cat is out of the bag.

(Editor's note: For part 4, keep in mind I don't care what Tiger does. I respect him as a golfer but have no reason to respect him as a man, even before this all happened. I don't know him. I don't know his character. I'm in no position to say he's worth emulating, and neither are any of us, because we simply don't know the man.)

Another snowday in Houston?!?!

2009-12-04T08:32:00.002-06:00

"Al Gore may have invented the Internet, but he doesn't know jack about the environment."
-My name is Shae Keefe, and I approve of that message.

Thank you, Shae, for a great spring board into today's topic.

Let's set up the situation before we quickly delve into politics.

So, for the second year in a row, there is snow in Houston. Last year was just a little bit of snow and it barely stuck to the ground. Still, a snowball fight ensued. Studying for finals could wait.

This week, there have been reports in the paper and on TV about the possibility of snow. People in Houston, of course, have typically and foreseeably overreacted. It was sunny and in the 50s yesterday (which, of course, is ordinarily cold for Houston, even in December) yet people were still decked out in their scarves, gloves and overcoats. They were acting like Houston turned into the North Pole.

So, this morning, it started snowing. And not just a few flurries. It's really coming down. The reports indicate that Houston could see two to six inches of snow by this evening.

Now, those of you up North might not think that's a lot of snow. Let me take this time to point out that Houston is woefully under-equipped to deal with snow. People here can't drive in the rain. Hell, Houstonians couldn't even drive on Thursday when there were reports of snow Friday. Any of you who were anywhere near downtown yesterday know what I'm talking about.

Snow is going to lead to countless accidents. And for those of you in Houston, drive safe. It's really bad out there. Point is, it's snowing and it's a lot. Be careful (This ends the PSA portion of today's post).

Which kind of brings me to my point.

I know I've said (recently) that I won't attack controversial topics on this blog because, well, we're all friends here and nothing leads to more anger and hurt feelings than discussing religion or politics in public. Plus, when it's done in a shallow and pedantic manner, it can only lead to more of those feelings.

Let me at this time apologize for those of you who are sensitive and who may lose sight of the overall theme of this blog (light-hearted and family friendly) humor.

It's snowing in Houston. It's the earliest it's ever snowed in Houston. (William McMillan, you were correct [even if I agreed with you when you said it but you still demanded credit {back handed enough for ya?}]). Last year, it snowed on December 10. This year it's snowing on December 4th. Do the math, people.

How does this all come together with global warming? If it's getting colder earlier in warm (hot?) cities, is it really getting warmer?

(Now, I'm not picking on Liberals, despite what this post says. If I find your behavior to be hypocritical, fraudulent or laughable, I will point it out. I have and will say things in the future about Conservatives. Take any Aggie or Catholic or Dick Cheney jokes you've heard me tell and counter this post if you're worried about the final score)

I don't want any of you amateur meteorologists to tell me when it's warmer, there is more condensation which leads to high pressure which leads to cold weather and more humidity and barometer pressures and typhoons which leads to El Nino and then snow. If you don't have a degree in meteorology, keep it to yourself. Because it will sound just as made up as that last sentence. Watching and even quoting Steve Carrell from Anchorman does not entitle you to give forecasts.

(Let me again point out that this is meant almost entirely as tongue in cheek. So, don't take offense. If you're particularly sensitive, just quit reading. Honestly, you won't hurt my feelings.)

Does this all add up? What about the leaked emails about the fraudulent temperature data? How does all of this work? Am I missing something? Is Al Gore to blame? Did he start this vast conspiracy? Are we all pawns in his game?

Let's also point out here that Al Gore drives a Suburban (not a Prius or bike) and his monthly electricity bills for his mansion are more than most people's yearly mortgage (slight exaggeration). Your hypocrite alarm should be going off at a pretty high level. Buying carbon offsets is not enough to allow such a high level of hypocricy, sir.

This doesn't add up, people. Snow in Houston? Let me rephrase. The earliest snow on record in Houston. Plus the leaked emails about the alleged fraud. This does not equal global warming. I'm sorry for those who don't believe in conspiracies (or have the wool pulled over their eyes [although that might keep you warm in this blizzard!]) but this does not add up.

Hey Look! Another List: Top Ten Cereals

2009-12-03T08:17:00.009-06:00

Since about 2002, I've been eating Smart Start as my breakfast (and sometimes snack) cereal. It's got plenty of vitamins and minerals, and it tastes good. It's a grown up cereal.

But the last time I went to the grocery store, I picked up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. When I was younger, I loved Cinnamon Toast Crunch. My brother did too. Hell, the whole family loved CTC. It was the best. So, I bought that box. And, after one week of breakfasts, it was gone. I immediately bought another box (last night) and ate a bowl (and a half) for breakfast the next day (an hour ago).

This got me thinking about the best cereals, so I decided to make a list. How convenient for all of us? You're welcome. So, let's jump right in, shall we? (Oh, one more note: this post's spacing looks weird to me, and I've tried to fix it but it still looks odd to me. So, accept my apologies.)

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Come on, do I need to explain more? This is the best cereal. It's relatively good for you and people of all ages love it. And, what's even better, is the milk left over after the cereal is finished. That cinnamon milk is fantastic. This is by far the best cereal of all time.

2. Smart Start. I had to leave this high on the list. It's been a solid cereal for 7 years. It's good for you and it tastes good. It's a grown up cereal but still tastes good. It's the best of both worlds, really.

3. Honey Nut Cheerios. This one is also good for you and tastes good. The other Cheerios are good, but these are the best, in my opinion. A solid B+ cereal. It'll do in a pinch, but you'll always be looking for just a little more.

4. Cap'n Crunch. Going back to kid's cereals, Cap'n Crunch was awesome when we were younger. The crunch berries were the sweet part and the yellow parts had (some) nutritional value. I was never a fan of the boxes with only berries or only yellow, but that mixture was great. The peanut butter nonsense I never tried and can only assume was terrible.

5. Wheaties. Well, this cereal was kind of dry and kind of lifeless, but the time Vince Young was on the cover, it was delicious. I guess what made it taste so good was the fact that the Longhorns defeated USC in the 2006 Rose Bowl, but that counts in my book (blog, I suppose). This should really be higher on the list.

6. Honey Smacks. Another kid's cereal that had surpisingly high amount of nutritional value. That frog was funny and the prizes were usually pretty solid. Also, high points for having something good on the back of the box to read.

7. Flutie Flakes. I'll admit, this is another novelty cereal. Jordy was kind enough to bring me back a box from Buffalo. Considering some of the money went to charity, the fact that this cereal tasted like a more cardboardy version of Wheaties is ok by me. I still have a box sitting on my bookshelf.

8. Waffle Crisp. This was a new comer to the cereal battles of the late 1990s, but was good. It was probably too sweet to be anything more than a dessert cereal (you know, when dinner was less than stellar, you come home and have a bowl of cereal. That's what my family did. Usually after going to a new restaurant that "certain family members" (read -- my Dad) thought would be great but turned out to be, well, let's just say less than stellar). But a bowl of waffle crisp would usually make up for weak Thai food.

9. Apple Jacks. I know Laura really used to like these and I assume still does. (After all, people are incapable of change, right? Just kidding, Laura) These were always a good, solid cereal but were never my favorite. I'd eat them but I wouldn't do too much to get the box. I mean, if it was on the shelf, I'd pick it up. But I wouldn't ask if they had any more in the back, ya know?

10. Corn Pops. Another solid cereal. I've heard of some people taking day old pop corn and covering it in milk after it becomes stale. That's kind of like Corn Pops. That counts.

Honorable mention: Rice Krispies (because they, unlike OU, know what to do in a bowl -- yes, I used that before but I find it relevant again), Honey Bunches of Oats, Coco Puffs.

A Word on Professionalism

2009-11-30T10:32:00.003-06:00

Now, I don't want to sound like some sort of an elitist or jerk or anything with this post, so I'm going to be careful with the tone. But, I feel like something needs to be said about professionalism and behavior in general.

At this point in life, many of the readers of this blog are lawyers (remember when we passed the bar?), medical students and physicians, MBAs, teachers, engineers, PhD candidates, professionals, etc. What I'm getting at is that we are all adults (or, in some cases, do a great job of pretending to be an adult) and need to act like adults in certain situations.

I'm talking about hanging out at somebody's house or even when you're out with your friends (although I do have some thoughts on this too). I'm talking about social settings with other professionals.

Recently, I was at a post bar passing/swearing in ceremony celebration at a law firm here in Houston. They were serving beer and wine, along with other soft drinks. I think there is nothing wrong with having some wine or even a beer or two in such a setting. But to have so many drinks (or to show up drunk) and then end up slurring your words, shouting about strippers or shouting out 12 lettered profanities is going too far.

That is not a slight mis-step on the fine line of acceptable social drinking. This is both embarrassing and shameful. I'm not naming any names, but those of you who were at the Abraham, Watkins event know exactly what and who I'm talking about. And it's not like this was an isolated incident. It's actually worrisome for this pattern of behavior to continue unchecked. Perhaps a call to the Texas Lawyer's Assistance Program is in order. I'm not joking.

Second, when you're meeting your friends in a professional social setting, an elaborate high five interaction seems unnecessary. A simple hand shake is fine with me. Sometimes, more than a simple hand shake is appropriate. I would say seeing an old friends for the first time in a while or seeing a really close friend warrants more than a hand shake.

But every time you see a casual acquaintance does not warrant a four to seven part hand shake coupled with bringing it in for that whole one-armed hug thing. Call me old fashioned if you want, but it's just inappropriate. I'm not saying nobody can do it, but if you're an adult (or have a grown up job or degree) act like one. You're making the rest of us look bad.

And while we're on the topic of public greetings of friends and colleagues, let me just voice my displeasure with the quick-peck-on-the-cheek-hello-and-goodbye-greeting. I don't like it. I'm not European, and neither are most of you. A hug is certainly appropriate and acceptable. Again, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I don't think it's right.

Hypocrits: You Really Grind My Gears, Jerks

2009-11-29T10:27:00.005-06:00

Hypocrisy. This is my number one pet peeve. It really grinds my gears. Man, it's probably bad for my blood pressure to even write this (warning sign of getting old--alert, alert)

Now, this is a sports spring board, but not a sports topic. So, for those of you who complain about sports, just wade through the sports to get to the point or just tune in later this week. Either way is fine with me. Thanks.

So, you know who is a huge (pronounced: YUUUGE) hypocrite? Pete Carroll, USC's head coach.

Yeah, he's won a lot of games (not against Texas and VY, but I digress) and scored a lot of points. He's pretty famous for running up the score on inferior and defeated teams. Not as bad as the Oklahoma Sooners and Big Game Bob Stoops (sarcasm) but bad. (As a quick aside, what do Oklahoma and Rice Krispies have in common? Well, Rice Krispies know what to do in a bowl.)

Anyway, USC routinely runs up the score on other teams. Earlier this season, Stanford finally defeated USC and ran up the score. Badly. They scored 55 points and even attempted to go for two to score more points late in the game. They afterward provided some thinly veiled excuses about going up by 4 scores, but we all knew they wanted to kick sand in USC's face.

And boy was Pete Carroll upset. He whined and cried about the score being run up on him and his team. Not so nice on the other side of a beat down, is it Pete?

So, last night, against UCLA, up two touchdowns in the final seconds with the game decided, what does ole Pete do? Calls for a play action pass deep down field for a touchdown? Yes, you're right. He was running up the score. Again. After whining about it being done to him.

I don't even that much of a problem with running up the score. Coach up your team, have 'em ready to play and you shouldn't get blown out of the water too man y times. But, it does happen from time to time. Get over it. Coach up the team for the next game. But, if you routinely run up the score on Arizona State and Washington State and Stanford, one of these days those weaker teams are going to come back and thrash you. And they're going to love doing it. So, if you act like a child and hoot and holler and jump around when you're up 40 points, you damn well better expect the same thing to happen to you.

But, after running up the score on people for years and then having your team get smoked by Stanford, don't go whining about it. Especially don't go whining about it when you know full well you will run up the score the next time you can, ie, UCLA.

You're a hypocritical whiner, Pete Carroll. You can't talk out of both sides of your mouth, man. It's baloney. And, believe me, I want to use harsher language but I'll continue to keep the blog family friendly. But that really grinds my gears.

12 Hours of Stupidity

2009-11-20T08:20:00.003-06:00

Allow me to set the scene.

Yesterday was Will McMillan's birthday. No, that's not the stupid part. Don't try to make this a shot at William. Relax. So, we were at Cedar Creek on 19th street in the Heights. It was a nice night, so we were sitting outside next to the creek at the back of the establishment.

Sitting a few tables away from us, maybe 15 feet away, was a group of three guys and two woman. I hesitate to call them men (and certainly not gentlemen) based on their behavior, but I'll let you be the judge of that. For the record, they were about 30 years old, give or take.

So, this group of five was maybe 10 to 12 feet from the creek. For those of you who don't live in Houston or haven't been to Cedar Creek, there is a small creek running along the back of the outdoor area. It's maybe (maybe) 10 inches deep at most times, but there is a steep bank on either side. You have to cross a bridge if you park in the parking lot behind the bar. Nonetheless, there is water in the creek. It's not a dry creek (that's a joke for the Houstonians).

Anyway, two of the three guys (I think at this point I can [I certainly want to] call them morons, but, again, I'll let you decide for yourself) decide to throw something into the creek. They start laughing and carrying on, but nobody is really paying attention at this point. One of the guys goes into the creek to retrieve what had landed on the far bank of the creek. He throws it back to the others and they go for round two.

When round two of the throwing starts, we notice that the hurled object is lighting up. That peaks my interest, and, as I'm not shy, I approached these guys to see what the deuce they were throwing. I thought maybe it was a small flash light or something like that.

Turns out, they were throwing their cell phones. Their own cell phones. That were fully functioning. At the creek. That had water in it. Now, it should be noted that these guys were not drunk. They had a few bottles on their table, but they were not drunk. They didn't appear to be under any other influence, besides sheer stupidity. But I digress.

Turns out, the object of the game (certainly not the reason for it -- that still escapes me) was to throw your phone, underhanded, as close to the water as possible, without the phone going in the water. Of course, some throws went over the creek bed and skidded into the parking lot. And some didn't land on the bank of the creek but actually went into the creek.

One of the phones, when thrown back to the crowd of idiots (I think at this point we can all agree that these people were and probably will continue to be idiots) landed in the fire pit next to these people. All in all, it was a righteous display of stupidity.

But, that was not the only stupidity in the last 12 hours. Let me set the scene, once again. When it rains, I park in the county garage. It has tunnel access to the DA's office. I can go through security there also. So, around 750 this morning, there was a line of maybe 7 or 8 people and one metal detector and one security employee.

So, the guy in the front of the line who was dressed like a defense attorney and not a criminal was having some trouble understanding that the metal detector detects... metal. He didn't take off his watch. He didn't take the keys out of his pocket. He didn't take the change out of his pocket.

That's not that bad, really. Some metal detectors are more sensitive than others and some shoes or belts set off the detectors and some others don't. I've learned which belts set off the alarm and which don't. But anyway. This guy eventually had to get wanded and was then allowed to enter the building.

Let's get to the truly stupid part, now, shall we. The guy behind this first lawyer was also similarly dressed and looked like a semi-incompetent defense attorney(this was later proved when he asked which floor County Court 15 was on and seemed confused when somebody told him floor 11 and not 15). (Also, please note, I'm not bashing criminal defense attorneys. I will most likely be one at some point in my life, perhaps very soon).

After seeing all of the metal objects the first guy in line needed to take out of his pockets, this guy went through the metal detector and it started wailing. He forgot to take out his keys. His Black Berry. His change. His belt buckle was enormous and needed to be taken off. His boots needed to be taken off.

All of these objects remained on his person. Each time through the metal detector, one more would be removed. After seeing what had just happened, he still didn't quite seem to understand what was happening. After all of this, he remembered that he had an artificial knee and should just get wanded before walking into the building.

Now, I realize I can be a bit impatient at times. You can keep your snide remarks to yourself, thank you very much. But, it really isn't rocket science or long division here folks. Metal detectors detect metal. I thought that was self explanatory. But hey, some people could be unfamiliar with how certain metal detectors work. And maybe he was only in the tunnels because it was raining. That's not stupid, per se. It's maybe foolish, but not stupid. BUT, to see the guy in front of you having the same problem as you and not be able to figure it out, that, my friends (channeling my best Brent Musberger) is utterly and entirely stupid.

You know what really grinds my gears? Mini Edition 2

2009-11-18T10:24:00.003-06:00

Let's jump right in folks.

1. Two and a Half Men. The kid's not cute and funny. Now he's a jerk. And the whole show is about smutty jokes. Now, I realize I've made (more than) my share of off color jokes, but I've refrained on this blog. Believe me, it's been difficult. (See, I just did it again.) I think its possible to be funny without being crude. And this show is just crude. And no longer funny. It really grinds my gears.

2. Farmville. Now, I know Bagel and Laura play farmville. I'm not going to judge. But I just don't get it. And now that I've blocked Farmville on my facebook feed, it doesn't even annoy me anymore. So, I guess I'm just confused and not so much gear ground (I think that's the proper past tense but what do I know?)

3. So, there are these jokers on bike taxis that fly around downtown. I understand it's a good idea for concerts and sporting events. If you park far away and don't want to walk 10-12 blocks in the sweltering Houston heat, you don't have to. Some slap jockey will be happy to pedal you there for a few dollars.

However, when it's not oppressively hot (you could even call it cold when it drops below 70 in Houston), it's not that hard to walk 3 blocks to your office. You don't need to be pedaled there. When these jokers ask if you want a ride and you say no, they really shouldn't curse at people. Especially those of us who will complain about it and post it on the internet. I suppose by now you realize this happened to me, and I don't like being called a cheap anything, let alone what 45 year old tattoo bike jockey has to add to the conversation. It's just not a good business model, people.

4. Peter King looks like George Wendt. This isn't a complaint, but I felt it was appropriate to mention now. Also, in the hopes of this catching on, the Rocket's new player Chase Budinger should be called Vinny Chase Budinger, because nobody scores like Vinny Chase.

5. 24 hours of college basketball in mid November is just nuts. I understand ESPN wants to flex its muscles and show case the sport that gave the sports leader its start, but come on. I don't even care about college basketball till after football. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. Let's all take a deep breath and relax.

You know who really grinds my gears: Mini version

2009-11-03T21:41:00.003-06:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, lucky for you I've collected by various complains and conveniently listed them here. This is a mini version for reasons I will explain in entry number 1.

1. I'll keep this short, because many of you are in the same boat as me, have previously taken this cruise, or have already purchased your tickets. If you were able to keep up with that shallow and pedantic nonsense, you'll know (or at least have an inkling) that I'm talking about waiting for bar results. I think I studied enough. I hope I studied enough. I'm constantly knocking on wood and crossing my fingers. I'm not really all that superstitious, but I am with this. I'm even reluctant to type this, but I don't think there is anything else I can do. In addition, I'm a pretty calm person. I'm not really prone to panic. I'm not an anxious person. But I'm feeling anxious about this. I just want to know if I passed or not. I know some of you are more nervous or anxious than I am and are not sleeping well. Just think, it's not the end of the world. One way or another, it's not the end of the world. I think I'm convincing myself as much as anyone else with this. Let's move on to more trivial things.

2. The Black Jack Taco at Taco Bell. Come on, who thinks a black taco is a good idea. I wonder what ideas didn't make it out to market? How about the garbage-colored nachos? Maybe the cat litter burrito? Is this just me? Hello?

3. People who only respond to a text message or Google chat message with "lol." I now I covered something like this earlier in a rant about cell phone and communication etiquette (don't respond with just "k" and eliminate all unnecessary responses). But, "lol" is unnecessary. If I said something funny to you, chances are I did so on purpose. Now, I'm sure I'm not as funny as I think I am. I readily admit other people are funnier than I am. Jeremy, I'm talking about you, among numerous others. And I appreciate all sorts of humor, even if it's at my expense. But responding with just "lol" means to me "I don't have anything else to say but think I need to respond otherwise this could be awkward." Feel free to cut that out, at least with me. Now, if something is funny AND you have something else to add to the conversation, go ahead and say "lol" and whatever else you want to say. I'm all for it. In fact, I encourage it.

4. I'm confident many other people share this complaint, but I feel it needs to be said. When people truly know nothing, they often speak with the utmost confidence. It's like they're even trying to convince themselves that they're not talking through their hats. And you guys know me. It's hard for me to let people say dopey or worse things and not correct them. I'm confident that I know some stuff here and there and plenty of random knowledge, but to hear people say utterly stupid things and try to sell that bill of goods to other people is highly annoying. You could even say it grinds my gears. That's it for now.

Top Reality Shows: Yes, Another List

2009-10-28T16:50:00.004-06:00

I'll admit, I've never been a huge reality TV show fan. Back in 1998, I watched about 30 minutes of Survivor before I gave up on it. I know some people really enjoy that show, as well as numerous others such as American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor, Big Brother, and so on.

I've never liked these shows, but I will give them credit for being wildly popular. I think a big push for reality TV has been from the networks. These shows don't pay actors, don't pay (many) writers (because it's all so real, get it?) and the production costs are low. If the show flops, no big deal. And if it is a success, its a huge profit.

Anyway, there are some "reality" (and I think I'm using the term pretty loosely) TV shows that I do enjoy. Most of them are on the Travel Channel or the Food Network. None of them are on VH1 (T.O. show, this means you).

One more thing. I don't really seek these shows out, but I will watch when they are on. It's kind of like College Basketball before March Madness. I have a general awareness of what's going on, but I'm not committed to making much of an effort to seek it out. (Notice I said before March. I don't want to hear complains about how great the tournament is. I get it. Opening weekend is one of my top 4 sports moments of the year.) So, here's the list of reality TV shows that I like.

1. No Reservations. Host Anthony Bourdain is at times very funny and at all times very full of himself. He talks way too damned much. And he really only knows what he's talking about in a few situations. But still, I love this show. He goes to exotic places (mostly) and does things that are off the beaten path. I enjoy watching this show. Also, he doesn't do that many gross things, like somebody later down on this list. I love traveling and I enjoy seeing places I haven't seen on TV. It's a good concept. Take some guy who is obnoxious but somewhat knowledgeable and send him all over the world to do different and random and local things. And then put it on TV with some (too much) of the host talking about what he did.

2. ManVentures. It could also be called Madventures, I'm not sure. Its sometimes difficult to understand these two dudes as they speak with their Swedish or Finnish accents. I'll admit, I've only seen about 2.5 episodes, but they've all been outstanding. Basically, these two dopes go around touring the world and doing stupid/adventurous things. They snuck into Cambodia once. One guy is the host and the other guy is the camera man. I don't think anyone else is involved. They're both highly unstable and unpredictable, and it makes for GREAT TV. Also, I think that these guys have consumed massive quantities of drugs and their brains don't quite work correctly. Again, fascinating.

3. Iron Chef. This includes both the Japanese version (which I don't think still airs) and the newer American version. I enjoy cooking and I think I'm pretty good at cooking some stuff. But to watch most of the people on this show is simply amazing. Now, don't get carried away, I'm not comparing myself to Iron Chefs or even the contestants. They are all some of the best chefs in the world. But, I do enjoy the creativity on the show. Even if they try to make a lot of weird things into ice cream, it's still a good show. It's been a while since I've watched Iron Chef, but I've always liked it. Watching people take something like oysters and easily make it into 5 or more (nearly) flawlessly executed dishes in less than an hour is incredible. And, let's not lose sight of how funny the voice overs were into English from the Japanese version.

4. Bizarre Foods. Some of you will recall I pointed out that I don't like this Andrew Zimmern joker in the past. Well, I've slightly changed my mind. Slightly. I like the show. Zimmern goes to cool places, much like Bourdain does. And he does some pretty wacky stuff, again, much like Bourdain. But he eats way too many gross things. Bourdain always eats pork, but Zimmern always eat animal genitalia. Sorry, I know it's gross, but he does it. In every episode I've seen he's eaten something awful. My father, a man who worked in Emergency Rooms and Operating Rooms for a long time and has seen just about any injury, no matter how gross, even finds this part of the show offensive.

5. Man vs. Food. The premise of the show is really cool. Some guy going around the country, checking out the local flavor, and eating some good food. If you followed my BBQ Road Trip blog, you'll know I love this kind of stuff. There's something inherently American about hitting the open road and seeing the differences from region to region, state to state and even city to city. And I think it's great. Here's my problem with this show. The host, Adam Richman, is so annoying. He's not funny. He's an idiot. And he should be replaced. Really, any joker can do his job. He never wins the eating contests, unless it's something that is hot and he can just eat it in two bites and drink milk as soon as possible. This show has potential, but the host is dragging it down.

6. Chopped. This is another cool show on the Food Channel, if you don't know. Chefs come in, are given mystery ingredients and have to create an appetizer, a main course and dessert. After each portion of the meal, one of the four chefs is "chopped." The winner gets money. It's a good premise, even if its kind of a mini version of Iron Chef. The funniest parts are seeing people struggle with how to make something good out of Gummy Bears, Ground Pork, Fennel fronds and Matzoh Ball Mix. There is always one or two ingredients that are just so off the wall compared to the others the chefs must use. I like this show. The judges are also very harsh towards the competitors. It's great.

7. Diners, Drive Ins and Dives. This is the exact same show as #5, only no eating contests. The idea behind the show is really cool, but the host is a jackass. So, the only real difference is the channel. Bonus trivia: Guy (that's his name, I'm not using a description) ate at Lankford Grocery here in Houston and thought it was great. He does get some points back in my book for this.

8. Hell's Kitchen. This show is about some young chefs trying to get their break into the big time from Gordon Ramsey. They compete in contests and in cooking. Each week, one character is sent home. It's pretty good, even if it's formulaic. There is also a lot of the forced breaks that are seemingly inherent in all reality shows. This show does get bonus points because Gordon Ramsey talks a lot of sh&t. And he's funny to me and intimidating to the contestants, which makes for great TV. In addition, Gordon throws things at people all the time. And people who lose flip out constantly.

9. Earlier, I dedicated an entire blog post to this show, so I won't rehash. I'll just say that Whale Wars is a monument to the stupidity of people and how easily a snake oil salesman can take advantage of people. Look, I'm not saying I'm anti-whale or anti-Earth anything, but come on. Fanaticism of any kind is over the top. But it does make for good TV.

What did I leave out? Anything I should know about? And "Battlestar Gallictica" is not an acceptable answer on this post.

Best TV Dramas

2009-10-27T20:17:00.002-06:00

Just to be clear, since some people have not been able to keep up, this is a list of dramas. Dramas, meaning not comedies. Just kidding Colin. But seriously, this is a list of dramas.

1. 24. I'm not sure how good the last season of 24 was, but every season before 2009 was awesome. I used to watch on DVD or DVR because the suspense from episode to episode was too much. I just couldn't wait for the next episode. My favorite was the season where Jack went to Mexico. Although the first four seasons were all incredible. The novelty factor of the show is also noteworthy.

2. Law and Order. This show contributed to my desire to be a lawyer in a major way. Jack McCoy is one of my favorite characters of all time. This, in my opinion, is the best cop show and the best lawyer show at the same time. Even some the spin offs are pretty good. SVU and CI were good. The trial bureau show was a flop, but how much did Lenny's death have to do with that?

3. The Wire. I had seen a few episodes from time to time over the years. Not having HBO in my apartment contributed to this fact. But, after the bar exam, my cousin (who also took the bar in California [Hi Jay!]) and I managed to watch the entire series in less than 2 weeks. Ok, there are about 60 hours of the show, total, but I still think that was a lot of TV. And, after the bar, it was great to be able to sit and watch as compared to sit and study. Each season is different with some carryover of characters. This is a GREAT show. If you haven't seen it, drop everything and watch. I'll wait. You can read the rest of this post later. Trust me.

4. Lost. Ok, I'll admit I was obsessed with this show. I didn't watch it until before this past season, but I caught up on DVD quickly. I got season 1 for my mom for Christmas and "borrowed" the DVDs once. I watched all of season 1 when I was sick once in almost one day. I couldn't move from the couch. Season 1 was that good. In my opinion, and I know this won't be popular, but I think each season has gotten worse and worse over time. I will say that only last season was disappointing. The first 4 were great, but they got worse and worse.

5. The Sopranos. This was such a good show. Most of you know I love all gangster movies, especially mafia movies. This was like a 60 minute gangster movie every Sunday. I even enjoy re-watching some of the episodes. So many of the characters had been on other shows or movies as gangsters before, and this just added to the success of the show.

6. Rome. I don't know how many of you watches this two season show, but it was one of HBO's best shows. As far as I could tell, the show was pretty accurate historically. The plot was riveting. My only complaint is that I wish there were more episodes.

7. House. I know this isn't the most "realistic" medical show on TV, but I just like it. Maybe it's because I'm not a doctor (I do pretend to have medical knowledge all the time though), but the lack of reality or authenticity just doesn't bother me. Plus, House is so sarcastic. Clearly, I find that funny. There's also something to be said for his lack of political correctness, which, frankly, I love.

8. Homicide: Life on the Street. This was another great cop show. It was like Law and Order, but only the first thirty minutes. It followed the police half of Law and Order. The second best show about cops and the second best show about Baltimore.

9. The X-Files. Before this became all about aliens, this was a good show. The episode about the Chinese Lottery and the episode about the African who ate people's pituitary glands are two of the best episodes. I remember being freaked out when I saw them. Also the show about the crazy incestuous family in Pennsylvania was freaky. Great show when it wasn't only about aliens. Sure, some of the alien stuff was good, but in the end, it consumed the show.

10. I'm reserving #10 for the shows I've heard are good but haven't watched. And, who says it has to be a top 10 list? I'm not David Letterman. (Are you enjoying the shrimp?) CSI, Friday Night Lights, and the West Wing.

Ok, what did I leave out? What should I have watched or included? Please don't make any Walker: Texas Ranger jokes.

Hey look, another list!!

2009-10-26T17:08:00.004-06:00

OK folks, let's get back to blogging and listing. You know you enjoy these lists.

(Photo caption: I'm number 1, I'm number 1.)

For background, over the weekend, Trey and I watched a few episodes of The Simpsons. We watched the episode in which the plot follows The Departed and also the episode where Homer is elected union chief. What do these two episodes have in common? Well, they're both hilarious. How do they differ? Well, the "Departed" episode is from season 19, which in and of itself is impressive. And, the union chief episode is from season 4.

Now, I don't go around memorizing which episode came from which season. Not that there's anything wrong with that. And you know who you are. But, it's remarkable that these two episodes, aired 15 years apart are both so funny.

I'll make my point and then get to the list. The old Simpsons episodes were consistently hilarious. I mean, side busting and always great. Now, not so much. There are a few good shows per season, but not many. It's more newsworthy when an episode is funny these days. Nonetheless, The Simpsons is the BEST sitcom of all time. Animated or not, this is classic TV. OK, here's the list.

1. The Simpsons. I've been through some of this already, but this is just the best show of all time. For about 15 years, this show was classically funny. It's still funny to watch old episodes. Even when I know the jokes before they happen, I still laugh. This is #1, and it's not really close after that.

2. Seinfeld. Hey, don't get me wrong, this is also an incredible show. But, maybe because it was ALWAYS broadcast in syndication, it seems overplayed. It's strange. I know when these jokes are coming too, and I can usually figure out which episode is airing within a few seconds, but it's just not the same. The social interactions are still good, but it seemed like the show became formulaic towards the end. I will grant you The Simpsons has been in this mode for a few years now, but it's my list. Feel free to disagree.

3. The Cosby Show. Come on, this show was incredible. It's a bit dated, but Cosby acting like Cosby is gold. Pure comedy gold. Maybe adding the two kids after Rudy was a bit much, but Olivia and Pam weren't terrible and really were small characters. Also, if you see some of the bit actors who appeared in the show over time, it's nuts. Adam Sandler, BB King, Dizzy Gillespie, Ray Charles, Tito Puente, John Amos, and on and on.

4. Frasier. I know some people aren't on my side here, but this is classic TV. I think this would have made a great play. All of the episodes could take place in one room. It's really all about the characters. This has to go down as the best spin-off of all time. Although I hear that The Cleveland Show is great. Also, that was the sarcasm font.

5. Cheers. It's hard to believe, but the spin-off is better than the original, but it is. Cheers was great, even if Diane was a terrible character.

6. All in the Family. I'll grant you, this isn't the most politically correct show ever, but it is truly hilarious. Also, The Jefferson's was a spin off from this show. It's worth watching just to see Sally Struthers not eating children in third world countries.

7. Family Guy. In recent years, this show has gone the way of South Park, in that it is profane and offensive simply for the sake of profanity and offensiveness. Also, every episode has two to three random flashbacks that have nothing to do with the plot and are just there for the sake of filling time. Or at least, that's how it seems to me. These things are not funny. But, don't get me wrong, the first few seasons were great. Before the plot revolved around Stewie being gay, or potentially gay, or whatever and was about Stewie being evil, or potentially evil, this show was better. It could have been higher on this list.

8. Arrested Development. This is another show that could have been higher on the list, but not because it quit being funny. It should have been higher but it ended. And season three, the final season, just ended. I'm not sure why it ended, but it could have continued.

9. King of the Hill. Is it just me, or is this show a lot funnier if you're from Texas? Come on, Hank's niece is named Luanne Platter. What do you order at Luby's? Come on, it's gold. Considering this was supposed to be filler between The Simpsons and X-Files, King of the Hill was pretty damn funny.

10. Scrubs. I'll admit, I thought this show was great. But then I realized I didn't like the main character. At all. Then I stopped liking Elliot and Carla. Then Dr. Cox got really old. The Janitor and Ted remained funny, as did Dr. Kelso. But I just quit watching.

Honorable mention. Friends. I never really liked this show, but I know a lot of people did. I'll put it on the list so that people won't complain. Not that this will stop the best complainers amongst you.

I'll also include Sanford and Son, and I'm sure some of you really like The Office. There's it, there's the list. Have at it.

This is meant entirely as humor so relax and have a nice day

2009-10-21T09:07:00.002-05:00

This was forwarded to me from reader Jennifer Knox. Please address all comments to her and don't shoot the messenger. Again, let me state clearly this is a joke. So don't get upset. Laugh a little. It won't kill you.

In the future, everyone will win the Nobel Peace Prize for 15 minutes.

In other news, the 2012 Olympic Committee announced today that PresidentBarack Obama has been awarded the Gold Medal in the Decathlon, more than two years before the event was scheduled to begin. Commitee members were convinced of his fitness for the award based on shirtless pictures of the President published in People magazine.

President Barack Obama will receive an Emmy for his numerous appearanceson television in 2008 and 2009.

The President of the United States has been named as a 2009 Tony Awardwinner for his stellar attendance at a Broadway show in May 2009.

The producers of the Academy Awards program have announced President Barack Obama as the winner of the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award forlifetime achievement. In addition, the award will be renamed the "Barack H. Obama Award" and presented annually to President Barack Obama.

In recognition of the pitch he threw at the 2009 All-Star Game,President Barack Obama has been named today as MVP of the 2009 WorldSeries.

The Heisman Trophy Trust announced today that the iconic bronze statuewill be recast, with a shirtless Barack Obama replacing the anachronistic college football figure from the 1930s. In a mild departure from tradition, the President will be portrayed clutching a basketball, though a similar arm-forward pose will be used. Also, the 2009 award and all future Heisman Trophy awards will be presented to Barack Obama.

The Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now (ACORN) has named President Barack Obama as their "Customer of the Year" for 2009. TheWhite House had no comment. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) was disappointedin his second-place showing, but congratulated the President in a press release.

The National Organization for Women followed the lead of the Nobel PeacePrize committee and named President Barack Obama as NOW's "Woman of theYear" for 2009. When questioned about the President's lack of female gender, the spokesperson said, "He said he WANTS to be female someday,and we think that's good enough for us."

Seen elsewhere on the Internet: Barack Obama has been named Motor Trend's Car of the Year.

The First Lady announced that for the first time in her adult life sheis proud of Norway."...

"Happiest guy in the world right now? The guy that had Barack Obama onhis Fantasy Nobel Prize team."...

In a little-noted announcement, William Ayers received an 'Assist' awarding the Nobel Prize for Literature category."

update

2009-10-12T09:28:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the drop off in blogging, if anyone cares, but I've been sick. I'll detail some more of what's going on 10,000 miles from home soon, but in the mean time, I think we can all agree, or not (and I know who's likely to disagree) that Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize was at best premature and at worst, well, ludicrous.

Now, I don't want to delve too deeply into politics. Lord knows, the worst thing we can discuss is religion or politics. Oh, did I say "Lord knows"? I don't want to start a holy war.

But, considering nominations were due a mere 11 days after Obama took office, isn't it a little ridiculous that he won the NPP? Granted, many of you think the award is meaningless after Al Gore won his for his documentary (certainly not for his $22,ooo monthly electricity bill or driving a suburban) but 11 days? What could have been done in 11 days other than talk?

I understand he's improved America's image abroad, but he did that simply by not being George W. Bush. By the same token, I'm not W. Where's my prize? Free trip to Sweden? $1.6 million? Nothing for me? Rubbish.

India: Days 3-5, Part 2

2009-10-01T12:23:00.003-05:00

Just briefly, I'd like to take a moment to present a truly ironic development. As a quick side note, people often misuse "irony"and it really grinds my gears. But, anyway, back to the story.

I went from my mom's mom's house to my dad's mom's house today. I'm staying for a few days. In days past this trip, I had come for the day. Hence, I did not bring my laptop. Today, however, I did.

It took some time to get hooked up to the Internet. The wireless network was spotty, so my cousin and I were attempting to hook up a wired connection. I went into the other room and when I came back, my cousin, who lives in India (this becomes important soon....as in, right now) was on the phone with tech support. Which is locally based.

Ironic. But I didn't need to tell you that. You've been paying attention and you understand irony.

India: Days 3-5, Part 1

2009-10-01T03:33:00.003-05:00

One of the most peculiar (I don't think I've ever typed that word before, but I kinda like it) aspects of Indian culture is the family dynamic. I'm not talking about the nuclear family, but the extended family. It's very important to make social visits and inquire as to the well-being of other people in the family.

(Photo caption: a 3 lane road in Delhi)

I suppose that in and of itself is not all the peculiar. What I find so funny, however, is the unannounced drop in. I think there was a Seinfeld episode along these lines.

Anyway, today, before lunch, we were hanging out and talking. The phone rang and my mom went to answer it. As the TV was on, she stepped out into the hallway to talk. And, before you knew it, some lady appeared in the door way. The unannounced visitor.

She came in, greeted my grandmother and said "Hello, Vikram. How are you?" Now, I had stood up so as to not be rude and greeted this woman in the common fashion. I said "Hello Aunty(every other woman, basically, is called aunty if she's not related to you directly or at all). I had no effing clue who this lady was. We went on, chit chatting about this and that for about 10 minutes. All the while, I still had no idea who the devil this woman was.

Finally, my mom came in and greeted this woman by name. Finally, I figured out who the hell this was. It was my mom's brother's wife's brother's wife. (I suppose it would be easier to say it was my uncle's sister in law, but I don't care to do so at this time).

Now, if we can all shift gears for a second, let's discuss traffic. I earlier said traffic was horrible here, and if a Houstonian says traffic is bad, you know it's out of control.

As I see it, trucks, buses, cars, motorcycles, scooters, bikes, people and carts of all shapes and sizes share the roads. At all times. Since traffic flows the British way, you drive on the left side of the road and the right lane is the "fast lane." Also, as more background, the bigger your vehicle is, the more "right" you have for space on the road.

If a road is 3 lanes, there will be at least 5 actual lanes of traffic. The painted lines on the road are only suggestions, and largely ignored suggestions at that. Turning is also quite an ordeal. Rather than form a line, all types of vehicles cluster in as narrow a space as possible near the intersection as cars in the opposite direction run lights and swerve to avoid objects in the road.

As soon as there is enough time for one car to inch forward enough to possibly go across the intersection, 10 to 15 vehicles flood the intersection. Collisions be damned. It's a giant game of chicken. It's not alarming to drivers for a crowded bus to be inches away from the side of your car on one side and 3 scooters trying to pass you on the other, even if you're up against the median. Well, let me tell you it is damned alarming for the passenger, IE, me.

In addition, bikes and scooters and motorcycles ignore the lanes and squeeze between 4 wheeled vehicles to inch towards the front of the line. Red lights apparently mean nothing to people on 2 wheelers, as they skid and fly through intersections as they please. Even if the bike is made entirely of rust and held together by bits of string and tape, it's not stopping for anything. It's got other cars to squeeze between at the next light.

Now, if you can imagine all of that, let me add pedestrians to the mix. Essentially, what you or I would call jay-walking is readily accepted, and even encouraged here. People put their hand out when they cross a street or highway, essentially daring motorists to hit them. It's unbelievable. Just because you put your hand up does not mean a car will stop in America. Unless you're in Rhode Island, where by law motorists must stop to allow pedestrians to cross the street. Here, however, it's actually effective. People will not exactly stop, but they will slow down enough for jay-walkers to get to the next lane of traffic. It truly is Frogger (sorry for the second Seinfeld joke, but you'll live) on a hugely dangerous level.

Part 2 to come later. Enjoy.

India: Day 2

2009-09-28T12:00:00.003-05:00

I realize my last update was only a few hours ago, but with jet lag, the 11.5 hour time difference, etc, you'll just have to deal with it.

Today, I went to my other grandmother's house. I hung out with her and some other family, including two of my cousins whom I had not seen since 2000. The three of us went to see a movie, The Orphan, which was pretty good, actually. But the real experience was at the movie theater.

The theater was in a mall which looked like it could be in any American city. There were numerous shops, coffee houses, and cafes. There was also a TGI Friday's and Hard Rock Cafe.

Anyway, on to the theater. We bought tickets and went inside. The movie was scheduled to start at 6:50. We were standing outside the individual theater in the lobby at 6:48 and the doors were still roped off. I asked my cousin what was up, and he said it will open around 6:50 and the movie will start soon thereafter. Welcome to India Standard Time (IST from here on out), which meant around 6:50, give or take, whenever it actually happens -- just be glad you're standing inside with A/C and not outside.

The snack bar was also wild. People here love American things, especially the food American teenagers eat. Pizza, nachos, sandwiches, etc. were all over. There was also pasta, which seemed odd for a theater. But that was nothing compared to what I can only imagine a complete monstrosity described as "strawberry popcorn." I saw it and laughed out loud (LOL) and asked my other cousin what the devil that was about. He had no clue. Let's just move on.

My cousin, Tushar, the one who drove to the theater, is a good guy. Let me say that now. I was giving him a hard time (as I sometimes do, from time to time) about his driving. He honks his horn every chance he gets. Now, he paid for his own car, which is a big deal. He's in his mid twenties, and works hard at a good engineering job. But, when I asked him about honking, he said he didn't want anybody to touch his car. He seemed less concerned for human safety than a scratch on his car.

He also laid down newspaper on the floor in case anybody had mud on their shoes. My aunt asked him later if it had rained, to which he replied that it had, and only a week ago.

More on the driving to come soon, as well as an expose of sorts of mustaches.

India: Day 1

2009-09-28T04:14:00.003-05:00

Greetings from India. I'm visiting my grandmothers here, as well as relaxing. I'll do this first post as bullets, as sort of a warm up. Some will be relevant and some may seem off topic, but I just flew almost 10,000 miles so cut me some damn slack.

Flying first class is the way to do. I don't think I can go back to coach. I need shrimp and crab appetizers. I need ice cream sundaes. And I definitely need a seat that is both wide enough, provides ample leg room and stretches nearly flat.
Elite access is also clutch. Walking up and getting right on the plane is far superior than waiting in lines. Lines are for bums at a soup kitchen. I'm over that nonsense.
The Texans sure blew another game, didn't they?
Traffic is insane here. Lanes are merely suggestions, I think. Often, on a 4 lane road, there will be a truck, 4 cars, a scooter or 2, bikes, and pedestrians. Everybody honks. It's like Mexico City, only worse, since they drive on the left side of the road.
My grandmother's house remains the same size, but I remember it being bigger when I was younger. Funny how time does that to your memory.
Having a driver and servants may make me seem like a snob, but it's both common place and great. I don't even have to open coke cans for myself. I didn't have to unpack my suitcase, everything I needed was laid out for me. I gotta tell you, it's really a highlight of the trip.

I'll have more soon, after some of this jet lag wears off. In the meantime, wish my Dad a happy birthday, as he turned 60 Sunday. What can you say to a person who has always been there for you? Happy birthday, I suppose.

Random Musings #2

2009-09-16T22:53:00.002-05:00

I realize times are tough. People are out of work and are willing to take something that is not quite their dream job because they have bills to pay. But does Evander Holyfield, "The Real Deal", a former champion in multiple weight classes, have to dress like a woman in Taco Bell commercials? Isn't it bad enough he's appearing in a Taco Bell ad without having to play the role of his mustachioed mother to boot? Have a little pride, champ. I'm sure all those blows to the head did some damage, but you don't need to dress like a woman to pay the bills. I'm sure you can get licenced to fight in Russia, or China, or somewhere. On a related note, how bad is the Patrick "Chewing" Snickers commercial? I will note that some people like it (mostly in France....ahem, Leighton) but I think it's pathetic. Ewing is still a coach in the NBA. He made countless millions playing (and never winning a championship, but I'll not mention that). Does he need the extra scratch that badly? Maybe he could auction of one of his championship rings....oh right. I'd like to make a Gold Club joke, but I'll refrain, since this is a family blog.

A commercial that is really funny is the new Game Day commercial for ESPN with the crew and Mack Brown. (video credit to Dr. Alok Vij) So, Mack is strumming a guitar and the fellas are singing along to "Texas Fight" until it gets to Herby. He starts making up his own lyrics, something about being north of Mexico and Remember the Alamo. Mack shoots him a look and asks what he thinks he's doing. Herby says he's free styling. Mack says "We do NOT free style 'Texas Fight', big boy." Now that is comedic gold.

Will Yester (posts as Gizmo) told me about a guy on Twitter who is hilarious. Now, I'm not on Twitter. I don't really care what people eat for lunch. If I want to know what you're doing every minute of the day, I'll ask you (line credit: Will McMillan) but this guy is funny. Google Sh#t my dad says on Twitter. This chronicles the wacky things a 73 year old man says to his 29 year old son. I won't re-print any here, as they are profane (but not inappropriate). Trust me, this is one Twitter worth checking out.

To kill (editor's note: poor word choice) two birds with one stone, did you hear about Kayne West going to Patrick Swayze's funeral? He told everyone in attendance "I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute, but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year. I'm just sayin."

In other news, we have a guest version of you know what really grinds my gears sent all the way from Cuba. Take it away Jacki.

Here's something to ponder: Who thought/thinks it was a better, safer, more efficient idea for cyclist to "share the road" vs share the sidewalk? ESP during rush hour in a city. Really? In DC (and I'm sure other cities [editor's note: Havana]) they open the outer (parking) lanes to move traffic... If there's a biker pedaling away there, you may as well park a car there because it causes the same [editor's note: expletive deleted] backup. And for what reason? So you can be "active" in the morning? And to not even be totally selfish about it...it's just not safe. One careless driver (and there a a gazillion) and you're going to have a highly unfortunate situation, whereas if there's carelessness on the sidewalk, what's the worse that would really happen? Someone gets his foot run over?

On a related note, how is it permissible for delivery trucks to use the outer lane as a standing lane during rush hour when there's a side street every standard block (.1 mi). Believe me hoss, you can wheel your dolley around the corner. You don't have to park right outside the building! If I was a cop, I'd bike my law enforcing [editor's note: expletive deleted] (on the sidewalk) around during rush hour ticketing those people... That's a far greater service to the community than pulling over people at midnight on a wed for going 40 in a 25 on a 3 lane, deserted rd (yes, that happened to me).[editor's note: at least you were going the right direction on a one way street, which, on a related note, can not be corrected by turning onto another one way street]

Update on Sandwiches

2009-09-16T17:32:00.002-05:00

So, after hearing good things from many people, including Jennifer Fung, Mary McDaniel, Weston O'Black, Seamus Finnegan, and Sully O'Leary (ok, I made those last two up, but those were some Irish sounding names [not Fung]) I went to Brown Bag Deli for lunch today. Even with all the hype, it was good. Very good. But not great. Let me get that out of the way first. Also, in a related ironic twist, I ran into Weston there along with his gray suit mob.

I got turkey on the jalapeno cheese bread. It was very good. But you know kept it from going higher on my list (currently, it's behind Which Wich and Jersey Mike's and perhaps even a fresh Antone's) was the lack of variety. Yeah, I hear you. Antone's and Jersey Mike's don't have that many options either. But, they make a great sandwich and you don't need a lot of toppings. Which Wich, like Brown Bag Deli, offers a few options for the main components -- meat and cheese. But, Which Wich goes above and beyond and offers close to 40 options (maybe even more) while Brown Bag offers less than 10. Come on. Anyone can make a turkey sandwich. But if I get get 4 different mustards on it, it becomes special. If I can get three kinds of onions, it becomes special.

I like to combine flavors (Wes Holmstrom or Leighton can tell you that) so topping variety is a huge bonus for me. Which Wich is like the America of sandwiches. Anything is possible. Brown Bag offers some of the advantages of America, but comes a little short. It's like Canada, if you think about it. And there's nothing wrong with being America Lite. Minus that whole moose thing, nobody can tell the difference unless they know what they're looking for. Luckily, I do know what to look for. And I like the variety available at Which Wich. And I'm proud to be an America. I will continute to prefer Which Wich to Brown Bag. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bad mouth America. Not on my watch chief.

You know who really grinds my gears?

2009-09-09T22:39:00.002-05:00

I said it at halftime of the first college game last Thursday night, but that song by Kenny Chesney is awful. Stewart Mandell of SI.com said so on Monday. ESPN, enough. Kenny, enough. That song "This is our moment" is already over-played and continues to be terrible. Now, I am a country music fan. Have been for a few years. But I'm not a Kenny Chesney fan. Never have been, and this song is not helping at all. Also, why does this guy never wear shirts with sleeves? I don't get it. I can see this song being played a few times each game that ESPN or ABC shows. Which is a lot of games. This could be a long season. I don't care if he is friends with Peyton Manning, Kenny Chesney sucks and brings nothing to the table.

Why do they even need musical introductions? Aren't real football fans going to watch games anyway? Would a casual fan really watch the Boise State vs. Oregon game at 11pm on a Thursday just because ESPN will show a 15 second clip of a sleeveless Kenny Chesney? I just don't get it.

This might come as a surprise

2009-09-08T20:34:00.004-05:00

Yes, this is another sports topic. Either deal with it or skip reading today. Thanks, and have a nice day.

Now, ever since I was about 10, the NFL has been my favorite sport. I always look forward to Sundays in fall and winter (relative term for those of us in Houston). I have and will watch any NFL game both in person and on TV. I read about the NFL. I watch highlights, analysis, and news on various channels. I anticipate Peter King's Monday column. Fantasy football is always fun, as are pick 'em leagues and survival football. The NFL has always been my favorite. A close second has been college football. But, the times, they are a-changin'.

I think, as of this year, college football has surpassed the NFL as my favorite sport. Perhaps since I went to Tulane and didn't really experience big time college football (understatement alert) unless I went to Texas games. (Photo caption: 2005 Rose Bowl. Note fellow Tulane alum and, apparently, a bigger Green Wave fan than me, Mike Naaman.) But, it took some time for me to come around.

Each game means more in college. State pride is on the line. When Texas plays (and beats two out of three times) Ohio State, more than a game or bowl game is on the line. It's a referendum on two different ways of life. The right way and the wrong way. Yeah, the Texans have beaten the Bengals. But it doesn't mean the same. Not even close. The passion, the hatred, the intensity are all dialed up in college football. Sure, we all joke around with the Aggies, but when the Aggies win (36 out of 115 times, for the record) it stings more than the Texans losing to the Colts. And don't even get me started on the Red River Shoot Out. Last year, I was so consumed with the game I may or may not have started a small to medium grease fire in somebody else's kitchen. May or may not have.

I remember one Christmas I gave my cousin Jay (an Ohio State grad) a Michigan shirt. He told me he was forced to wear it inside out by his roommates and could only wear it if he had no other shirts. And only in the house. Tell me that isn't passion. And they went to school in the Big 10!! Not even in the Big 12, let alone Texas.

Kieth Jackson vs. Al Michaels. Come on, it's not even close. Seeing a kid only a few years or months out of Algebra scoring touchdowns or making open field tackles is much cooler than enormous professionals doing the same. Not to take anything away from the pros, but it's not as exciting.

If you see somebody in a Texans shirt at the airport in Chicago, you may or may not say hi. But if you see somebody in UT gear, you say hook 'em as you walk by. I remember 2 years ago, in New Orleans, Trey and I were both wearing UT shirts. We were in the elevator at our hotel. It was only the two of us in the elevator, and a man in OU gear hit the button one floor down. He looked at us, sized us up, and declared he'd take the next elevator. Come on, that doesn't happen if he's wearing a Chicago Bears shirt and we're in Dolphins hats.

Am I late to the party? Yes. But is it the right party? I think so. Weigh in, please; let me know what your favorite sport is and why. And please, no jokes about Tulane. Tulane won the Sugar Bowl in 1934. And don't forget Tulane narrowly lost to the Havana Athletic Club 11-0 in the 1909 Bacardi Bowl. (Note: Tulane was coached by Buster Brown. I kid you not.)

Worst Quiznos Ever

2009-09-04T17:19:00.003-05:00

Let me start by saying that this is my own fault. Entirely. But, when has that ever stopped me from complaining? I'll take "never" for $1,000, Alex. You're damn right I went there. Anyway, let's get to the point.

So, Thursday night I ran out of turkey for my lunch on Friday. I didn't want to go to Kroger because it was raining. And the new cafeteria had just opened at the Criminal Justice Center. I thought, since it was under new management, that it would be good. Or at least better. Well, after seeing and smelling what was being offered for lunch, I decided to go to Quiznos. Now, I don't even like Quiznos. I thought of walking 8 blocks for Vietnamese, but since I was by myself and the chance of rain was high, I decided I'd just get Quiznos. It's only a block away, and how bad can a turkey sandwich be?

Or, so I thought. I don't mean to sound like a jerk (sound familiar?) but walking past urinating homeless people is not that appetizing. I realize this is not the fault of Quiznos, but when it happens on your doorstep, fair or not, it ends up impacting your business. So, putting that aside, I go in. There is nobody in front of me in the line. It shouldn't take more than 4 minutes for my order to be taken. In theory. But, so much for that. I finally order a turkey sandwich to go. Not exactly complex, but, please baear with me.

So, after waiting to order my sandwich, it's finally made and put into the oven. It comes out. I ask for lettuce. The lady behind the counter looks at me like I have 2 heads. Lettuce, she asks. Yes, lettuce. And tomato. It's a sandwich, not a bowl of cereal. Put some veggies on there. She had to ask the manager if I could have lettuce. After consulting with the manager (I assume he was in charge because he had a mustache [seems plausible]) and waiting another 2 minutes, lettuce is placed on my sandwich. About 3 shreds of lettuce. But, I thought to myself, this is a victory. Also, you haven't been shanked, so just go back to your office. You're not trying to be a hero.

So, when the guy at the register hands me my sandwich, I politely (seriously) remind him that I ordered it to go. He should remember, I thought to myself, he took your order only minutes before and has done nothing since slapping some turkey onto bread and sliding it into the oven. But, he doesn't remember. No big deal, I think. Wrong again, champ. He rolls his eyes, flips the recipt towards the floor, huffs, and goes to get wrapping paper. I didn't think, silly me, that it would be such a big deal to get a turkey sandwich to go.

So, after waiting to order, after having to argue about lettuce, after reminding the yokel who worked there that I wanted it to go, I finally bring it back to the office to eat. And the damned thing was terrible. I mean, how can a turkey sandwich be bad? If you really want to know, go to Quzinos at 1000 Main Street. It's the worst Quiznos in America. Which is hard to believe, since most of them (I assume all but had to qualify my statement to avoid being sued [thats how it works, right Legal? Fung? Hello?]) suck anyway; but this was awful. I'm officially never returning to any Quiznos.

I don't mean to judge, but...

2009-09-03T21:02:00.004-05:00

Today, I saw a young child coming out of one of the court rooms in the Harris County Criminal Justice Center. He was with his brother, who was a defendant. I suppose that's largely irrelevant. Anyway, the older brother was 18. The younger brother could not have been more than 12 or 13, but was covered in tattoos. His arms were covered. I could see paw prints on his neck. He had tattoos on his legs (why he was wearing shorts and not pants in court, I'm assuming, was not much of a concern for him).

(Photo caption: this is NOT the child I'm referring to but the picture still works)

Now, I don't mean to judge (and when people say they don't mean to judge, it really means they do mean to judge, but don't want to sound like a jerk or a d%&k or a bi%ch for doing so. I mean, really. Has, in the history of people saying "I don't mean to sound like [insert derogatory noun here or "judge"]" and not sounded like what they were trying to avoid or sounded like they were judging? You're not fooling anyone. You are a jerk, or at least sound like one when you're saying what makes you sound like what you don't want to sound like when you say that. Just act like an adult and say what you want to say. You're not really sugar coating anything by saying you don't mean to sound like a jerk. Just say it. If you're coming up to the plate, you might as well swing the bat.) {hope you're still with me, I'm still on the first sentence of this paragraph} but where do kids get tattoos at the age of 12? Middle school? Toys R Us? Baby Gap? (I don't know any more kids stores, so just let that Baby Gap joke slide).

Now, I don't have a tattoo. And I don't judge people who do. But, at the age of 12, tattoos are a bit much. I realize kids grow up much faster in this age than we did (boy, did I just sound old as hell) even a few years ago, but 12? I think you should at least be able to drive yourself to the tattoo shop (Legally, I mean. I'm not endorsing hot-wiring cars, people [no, that was not racially motivated]) to get a tattoo. On another side note, do people still call them tattoos or does everyone call them "tats"? I'm unsure. And, honestly, I'm ok with that.

If you're old enough, go right ahead. It's your body, and you're free to do almost whatever you want to it (this is not an invitation to debate abortion, people). But 12? To have at least a dozen visible tattoos? Call me old fashioned, but I'm going to judge that kid. And his mother. Let me at this moment point out she was also a tattoo aficionado and was barely contained by her dress (was that a semi-polite way of calling her a skank and bad mother?)

Update on Best Burgers in Houston

2009-09-02T17:29:00.004-05:00

"I ate the burger you were afraid to order."

That's what (my self-appointed side kick) Abbie told me moments after finishing the Monster burger at Stanton's. For the record, I wasn't scared, but the statement was both made and funny.

I have always maintained that if you're going to run your mouth, you better be prepared to back up what you say. As much as I run my mouth (Leighton told me last week, and he actually seemed surprised when he said it, that I talk a lot of shi%t. Way to step out on a limb, Frenchy) I'm always prepared to back it up. But I have to give respect to other people who do the same. There are a lot of people who do not back up what they say (I'm not naming names, but you know who you are).

Which brings me to my point. Abbie, who runs her mouth and rarely backs it up, and I went to lunch last week. After hearing good things about Stanton's (both from long-time reader Crystal and various Internet reviews) we were both interested in trying a new place for burgers. Also, the line at Lankford Grocery was around the block.

By way of background information, Stanton's big claim to fame is being home of the monster burger. 2 huge patties. Bacon. Numerous slices of cheese. All the veggies, including red and white onions. When the man at the counter heard Abbie order, he did a double take. He was shocked. So, at Stanton's, you order inside and take the food to go. There are no tables. We did not know this, so we decided to eat in the car. The photo above is taken inside my car on the arm rest. The monster burger is nearly as wide as the arm rest. To call it a monster is apt.

I ordered the Rio Jalapeno burger. The man at the counter cautioned me that the burger came with bacon. I was ok with that, even if I was somewhat surprised. The menu said nothing about bacon, but bonus bacon is bonus bacon. It's like finding $10 in your pocket.

Both burgers were good. Not better than Lankford Grocery. Not better than Miller's Cafe, or Christian's Tailgate. I suppose it would be on or close to the same level as Southwell's. I maintain my burger theory (which I stole from Nathan's hot wing theory. Thanks bud.) Anyone can make an average burger (or wing) but it takes something truly special to make an incredible burger. By the same token, it would take either an out of control fire or sheer incompetence to make a really bad burger (or wing). To be noteworthy, you have to try something bold. Stanton's monster burger is just a big burger which tastes pretty good. 6.5 to 7 out of 10.

Kreuz Market: The Gold Standard

2009-08-31T15:28:00.005-05:00

Last Tuesday, being the last Tuesday of my post Bar exam vacation, some of the guys and I went to Lockhart, Texas for the best BBQ in the Texas. In one magical stretch of Texas Highway 183, in a span of less than 20 miles, 5 of the best BBQ places produce the best BBQ imaginable. Luling, Texas has two of the best and Lockhart, Texas, has 3 of the best including the gold standard, Kruez Market.

(Photo caption: Ribs. And crackers. And some grease. Photo credit: Jon Frink)

I won't rehash all of the review from the last time we all went, but, instead, will post everyone's own review from the trip last week.

Leighton: I thought the BBQ was incredible. The moist, AKA fatty, brisket was even better than I remembered it. The jalapeno and cheese sausage was still the best sausage I have ever had. I do not remember having the beans or potatoes last time, but they were really good this time. All in all, a solid second trip worth our efforts.

Jon: I missed out on Kreuz's the first time around, but I've driven past it several times on my way to and from Houston and have thought about stopping there. When Vik called up and asked if I wanted to meet up there the following day, I jumped at the chance to try the barbecue that got the highest praise on the tour. I wasn't disappointed. From the brisket to the ribs to the sausage, everything was delicious. I was mildly skeptical of claims that no barbecue sauce was needed, but it's absolutely true. If I'm going to nitpick I could say that the lean brisket was a little on the dry side or that the ribs were just slightly too salty, but neither of those were serious enough to diminish enjoyment of the food. The ribs were really tender, the lean brisket still tasted great as was the moist brisket, the jalapeno and cheese sausage lived up to its reputation, and while I didn't try the beans, the potatoes had a nice flavor. It's been a few months so I
don't quite remember how Snow's stacks up, but I'll definitely be going back to Kreuz's, especially since I don't have to worry about them running out.

Stephen: Personally I am not a big fan of lots of sauce on meats so the fact that Kreuz relies on the rubs really fits my style. Easily the best ribs I have ever had with a great pepper and salt rub. Both lean and moist briskets were very good. I would have to say that Kreuz had some of the best jalapeno cheese sausage I have ever had. Made for a great snacker. The only thing that could have made it better was some spicy mustard. Quite frankly after listening to Kreuz being built up for 6 months I would say that this place exceeded expectations. It was also a great day trip to get away from the busyness of Houston.

Wes: Fantastic. Great brisket. One of the finer Snackers I have ever had, and I invented the damn thing.

Travis: The best endorsement i can give about Kreuz's BBQ is that it is worth a 2 to 2 1/2 drive (from Houston) to eat there. The Jalapeno and Cheese sausage,the brisket, and the ribs were excellent. The moist brisket is better than the lean brisket. the brisket was tender and delicious. the one complaint i have about the brisket is that it could have used more of the dry rub. The jalapeno and cheese sausage is probably the best I have had. The ribs were cooked perfectly and the dry rub complemented it perfectly.

Vik: Even after building up in my own head since March, Kreuz's was still the best BBQ I ever had. If you haven't been there, you need to go. Immediately. The ribs were even better this time. The sides were awesome, even if they could be considered by some to be head fakes. Both briskets were awesome. The jalapeno sausage was incredible. You don't need sauce. You don't need a fork. You just need to get there. Immediately. Eating BBQ with pickles and crackers is the best way to do it.

I brought some back for Luke and Trey. Even after a few hours, the BBQ held up great. I'd encourage both of them to post reviews in the comments.

And yet another list

2009-08-20T22:55:00.003-05:00

Let's take care of some background before we get to the list, so please bear with me. So, before I started law school, I used to go to Panera for lunch fairly frequently. Good sandwiches, salads and soups. Fairly healthy. Fresh. It was always good, if not that spectacular. I went there again recently and was not that impressed.

During the period I was studying for the bar (it was a truly joyous time) I ate at Subway way too often. Roasted chicken sandwich, toasted, most of the veggies. Good, but not great. It's not that it's not good, but I just can't eat Subway for a good bit. All this got me thinking about my favorite sandwich places. The places on this list are national chains and do not include banh mi (which I love, but, also ate way too often during the bar period). The places on this list are places where you can run in, get a sandwich, eat a decent mean, and go on with you day. Anyway, on to the list.

1. Which Wich. This is new to the Houston area and is awesome. If you haven't been there, you should go immediately. When you walk in, you are handed a marker and a bag where you select by check mark everything you want on your sandwich. You can get as many kinds of mustard as you want, and you know how big that is for me and my family. It's all up to you, and they'll make it fresh for you. It's the best sandwich out there.

2. Jersey Mike's. This is a close second, and would win if there was only more variety. There is not much customization available. But, on a positive note, they make a great club sandwich. Everything is freshly cut, so that's another plus.

3. Antone's. This is a Houston institution, even if many of the stores are closing down or being bought out. Thankfully, they are still available in grocery stores. The turkey and Swiss is the best out there. Customization is non-existent, but not much is needed.

4. Firehouse Subs. Another good sandwich. I've only had this once (thanks again Michelle) and was impressed. The sandwich could have been bigger (Potbelly has the same pitfall) but it was good.

5. Panera. The freshness is a strong positive. The soups are always good, as are the salads. There are also a good number of sandwich options on the menu. The recent visit, I'm assuming, was an aberration, and I will keep it high on the list. Perhaps for old times sake.

6. Jason's Deli. My only complaint is that they seemingly all close early. There is a great deal of variety and I've never been disappointed. I've never been blown away, either, but there is something to be said for consistency.

7. Potbelly. There is a new larger option that works well. I like the hot peppers they offer. Freshly toasted is a major plus. Had I not eaten Potbelly before nearly every law school final, I'd go there more often and not be tired of it as I am still.

8. Subway. Again, consistency has virtue. The commercials are horrible. I think Jared was a loser and the 5 dollar footlong campaign is nearly as annoying as the Jack in the Box mini sirloin burgers. But the sandwiches are good. I do get annoyed at the weed heads who work at the Subway on Waugh at Allen Parkway who make me repeat everything 2 or 3 times before they remember "wheat" and then "chicken" before the chore of picking out the veggies.

9. Quizno's. I don't really like Quizno's. The sandwiches are expensive and when the employees weigh the meat before putting it on a sandwich, it's very off-putting. If I get an extra slice of turkey, is the corporation going to fold? I didn't think so. Quit being so stingy. But I do like Quizno's more than the next two entries.

10. Jimmy John's. I realize many of you like Jimmy John's and maybe I'm missing something, but I've never liked it. I don't like the bread, I don't like the meat, I don't like any of it. I don't care if you deliver, your sandwiches taste like roadkill (I'm not entirely sold on that joke, but I'm going with it anyway)

11. Blimpie's. And this is a looooowww eleven. This is the worst place. The meat is not cold. It's warm. But not toasted. Room temperature. I realize I'm an old fashioned kind of guy, but I'm definitely pro-refrigeration. This is a must. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in not wanting a side of botulism with my ham and cheese.

Just had to post this 4...

2009-08-19T11:54:00.004-05:00

I stole this from Holly. She can have some of the credit (or none if she complains). The best way to describe this is "an emailed forward of random thoughts and statements" but I'm going to title it as JHTPT#4. If you've already seen this, just move on. If not, please enjoy and give credit to Holly. Now, keep in mind these are not my thoughts and are to be taken as a joke, but some of these are applicable to me and some to people I know. I won't name names. But you know who you are. One other thought before we get to the list, if you don't mind. With Brett Favre returning once again, it's clear that even the NFL is using the Cash for Clunckers program.

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f&*% was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories

35. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

41. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Random Musings: Las Vegas

2009-08-18T22:47:00.004-05:00

As I try to blog more frequently after the bar exam and related blog hiatus, I thought I'd blog twice in one day. I was thinking about doing the opposite of "you know what really grinds my gears" but couldn't come up with anything that didn't sound gross, so I'm going to use "random musings" and you'll just have to be ok with it. The following list is a group of things and thoughts from my post bar trip to Las Vegas that make me laugh or make me happy. It's the little things in life, really.

1. So, Bagel, Trey and I went to Vegas. We had a great time, even if none of us won money. You could even say we lost money, but that's not really the point here. Still, a good time was had by all. One of the most random (that's fitting with this blog topic and this blog in general, I suppose) occurred at the MGM Grand around 11 AM. Trey and I were walking around (taking a break from the black jack beat down) and we happened upon the lion enclosure at the casino. Right around feeding time. We watched along with at least five hundred other people. All of a sudden, the lion immediately in front of us starting bucking it's shoulders. I thought it must have a hair ball in its throat, but Trey, predicted the lion would throw up. About a minute later, we had our answer, as the lion not more than 10 feet from us threw up 10 pounds of meat in about 1.2 seconds. It looked like chili. It was disgusting. All 500 or so people watching let out a collective groan. Some people took photos. Some left. We went to eat breakfast. It's gonna take a lot more than lion puke to keep us from breakfast.

2. Also in Vegas, the three of us had drinks in a room made entirely of ice. This place, conveniently called Minus 5, has a room in which there is a bar and drinks are served in cups made of ice. The chairs are ice, the walls are ice, the tables are ice, and so on. I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, we all put on big coats and gloves and went inside. I asked the bartender for my drink on the rocks and got no response. I thought she was a bit icy, but, hey, it's her tip (no iceberg joke -- 2 bad ice jokes in one sentence is pushing it as is). We sat on deer pelts so that we weren't sitting directly on ice. I have to tell you, this was a lot of fun. If some place like that opened in Houston, they'd make a killing. There would have to be more to the place that just the ice room, but it could be part of a bar. It was fun. I think people would enjoy the ice experience.

3. So, the three of us were playing at the same table at New York, New York. One of the employees of the casino was selling cigars. Now, by way of background information, I'd smoked a cigar earlier. Much to the chagrin and complaint of an uncouth (and un-tipped) dealer at Mandalay Bay. Apparently, it's ok to chain smoke cigarettes, but the moment anyone trying to have fun lights up a stogie, it's like somebody flipped over a table and stabbed a cocktail waitress. Anyway, back to Trey. He, being the polite young man that he is, asked the dealer if he could smoke the cigar he bought from an employee of the casino. She said yes. Trey began smoking the cigar. Now, let me tell you, I've seen some overreactions in my day. I've done some overreacting in my day. But this woman takes the cake. She began coughing and was only able to whisper. Even though people all around her were smoking cigarettes, one guy smoking a cigar and blowing the smoke away from her caused her to lose her voice. Almost immediately. It was absolutely ridiculous. She had to whisper to talk and, coupled with her accent, made her difficult to understand. She said something to me, which I was unable to understand. Afterall, I didn't care what she had to say and my understanding of Mandarin is poor at best. So, I asked her what she said. And this lady says if I can't understand her, to blame the guy with the cigar. I had heard just about enough, so we all decided to leave before an international incident ingnited (points for alliteration and a bad cigar joke).

4. If you haven't been to Mandalay Bay and eaten at the sushi bar, you're missing out something fierce. I love sushi, and I'll gladly pay for good sushi. Discount seafood is not my idea of a good time. I've even had tuna hours out of the water in Hawaii. The sushi bar at Mandalay has the best sushi I've ever had. Hands down. If you like sushi and you're in Vegas, this is the place to go.

5. Kobe beef tacos. I don't think I need to add to this.

2009-08-18T12:18:00.005-05:00

Just so I can be like all the other members of the media (see how I subtly called myself part of the media?), I'd like to report that Brett Favre flew to Minnesota today to take a physical before signing a contract with the Vikings.

(Photo caption: Favre "deciding" whether to have steak or fish a Morton's last Tuesday)

Look, I think if Brett Favre wants to play football, he should play. If somebody will sign him, then by all means he should play. I don't think he's anywhere near what he was in his MVP days, but how could he be that good? Athletes aren't supposed to be better closer to 40 than 30. Ahem, paging Messers Bonds and Clemens. Please report to the front desk.

I just don't want to hear about it every time Brett Favre picks up a football, or gets on a plane, or eats pretzels. Just make a decision to play or retire. Then stick with it. Or don't. But I'm beyond caring. I think I'm to the stage of actively rooting against him, solely because I stopped caring whether he would play or retire, or say he would play or retire, 4 years ago.

I also understand the nature of the 24 hour news cycle. There's only so much to say in 24 hours. But is there any other sports topic more over reported and underwhelming that Brett Favre in the plast 4 years?

Hey look, another list!!

2009-08-17T10:58:00.003-05:00

So, with YE Yang (who? [exactly]) going toe to toe with Tiger Woods and winning the PGA Championship, my brother and I flipped over to watch parts of the last round. We watched the last few holes, but this was not something we would tune in for regularly, or would plan to watch. It got me thinking of big time sporting events I would plan around and make sure I watch. Usually with BBQ and a cold drink. I'm not talking about the Super Bowl or anything like that. Everyone (who is not a communist (socialist might be term de jure with all thats being taken away these days, but that's a topic for another day [or post]) tunes in for the Super Bowl. And I'm not including any Longhorn games, or Texans games. If you read this blog (or texansgab.com [shameless plus for my other blog]) you know I'll be watching those games. Hell, I'm trying to plan a trip to India around the Red River Shoot Out. I'm talking about events like these conveniently listed below (in no particular order).

1. Opening Day for baseball season. It's when spring is here (even if its already been in the 90s in Houston for a while) and everything has a sense of optimism to it. Every year, on opening day, every team is in first place. It's also the sign of summer. Baseball on TV at nearly every hour. You're never bored during baseball season.

2. The first weekend of the NCAA tournament. You know you do brackets. Hell, you probably do brackets with me. I don't need to explain this one; we all know it's an awesome weekend.

3. The second day of the NFL draft. Sure, a lot of people watch the first round, or even the first day. But those of us who truly love the draft will watch the second day.

4. The Master's. Let's get get carried away with the history of discrimination at Augusta. I'm not relishing discrimination, nor am I celebrating it. But, with the azaleas in bloom and Amen Corner, the first major of the year is another sign of spring.

5. NBA All Star Saturday night. The dunk contest, the 3 point contest, and even the skills competition. I might be one of the last remaining NBA fans, but plenty of other people love this event as well.

What are some of the events you tune in for? As always, make your thoughts known in the comments.

My take on Mike Vick

2009-08-16T16:16:00.004-05:00

Folks, just like the prodigal son, I have returned. I'm not going to continue with any House of Pain lyrics (if anyone even got that, that is) but I do plan on blogging more frequently now that the Texas Bar Exam is over and done with (knock on wood, fingers crossed, and all that stuff). Much like swimming in cold water, I'm going to dip just a toe in rather than jump in head first. But, don't fear, I'll be swimming soon, by which I mean I'll be blogging more frequently (happy, William Hayes?)

So, Mike Vick, former superstar quarterback, has returned to the NFL. This might come as a shock to some of you for a number of reasons, but I'm actually in favor of his return to the NFL. Granted, I was never nor am I now a fan of Mike Vick (he can't even spell his own last name, for crying out loud).

I think he was completed overrated. His lone playoff victory was against Brett Favre (I'm not even going to discuss this joker) and a depleted Packers team, so let's lay off the "he's the first guy to win a playoff game at Lambeau Field" nonsense. He is (was?) exceptionally fast and an incredible athlete. But an NFL quarterback, he was not. I think he could play a role on a team and be successful, but not as the starting QB.

Second, it's hard to stomach the details surrounding his dog fighting operation. Even if you're not in PETA, the details (which I will not go into here) are disturbing and chilling.

But, this is America. We give second chances in America. Some people even get third chances. (Marion Berry, I'm talking to you, "Your Honor") Mike Vick paid his debt to society. He has sounded contrite (and I'm sure those are his words and not the words of his publicist or agent or lawyer) and has done all the right things since his release. Why shouldn't he get a second chance? Other felons get second chances. Granted, it's not for millions of dollars, but they do get second chances.

A team with a strong owner, strong head coach, established quarterback and veteran team was the ideal place for Vick to land. Philly offers all of the above. He's on a one year contract, with a team option for 2010. If he screws up, he's done. He's getting a second chance, but it's really a last chance.

What do you think? Are you ok with Mike Vick playing in the NFL again? Does it make you sick to your stomach? Somewhere in between? (Please do NOT make this a racial issue, as some people are wont to do. In no way did I make this racial. No way at all. Keep it above the fray. Thank you. It's good to be back.)

Just had to post this 3...

2009-07-21T22:51:00.004-05:00

This was emailed to me by Will Hayes (shameless plug: Michelle, his wonderful wife, makes the best brownies this side of my own mother and those brownies would make the bar and studying for the bar go by a lot sweeter) and I thought it was worthy of posting.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Just had to post this 2...

2009-07-11T22:44:00.002-05:00

In the conference room next to the BarBri Civil Procedure Workshop conference room was this meeting. I'm assuming it's a firm name and not a description of the group members, but I could be wrong.

Just had to post this...

2009-07-10T19:36:00.004-05:00

I know I said I was taking a time out from blogging, but I'm a lawyer. I wouldn't be doing my job if I wasn't talking out of both sides of my mouth at the same time. This was emailed to me by a fellow bar student, Matt W., and I want to make sure I give him the credit. (Editor's note: This has been edited for language from the original format, but the message is the same. Also, for those of you who are not lawyers or law students, this might not be funny at all to you. For that, I'm sorry).

I apologize for my sparse blogging over the past few weeks. Studying for the bar has consumed my life and eaten away at my creative energy. But here is something funny someone sent me to give me a giggle in the midst of my personal hell.

A little list of things that are pissing me off about this Barbri [nonsense]. I am sick to death of the following things in the fact patterns:

1. People who don’t record their deeds:

Hey. [silly] face. That’s a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That’s awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don’t you do us all a [stinking] favor, and go record the [stinking] deed.

Right. [Stinking]. Now.

Don’t put it in a [gosh darn] drawer. Don’t go off to India for 20 years. Don’t leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox.

Get your fat lazy [behind] down to the records office, and record it before I burn your [melon farming] house down.

2: Wily property sellers:

Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin’ petty thug [deleted] clowns, the Police. How about you go down to [Black]acre, and arrest the son of a [witch] who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I'm sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this [trick], and I’m left to sort out the [stinking] pieces.

3: “Known” arsonists

Here’s a little tip to all the cretins that keep hiring “known” arsonists to burn down their cheating girlfriend’s house. Why is it, do you think, that he is a known arsonist, you [cute jerk]? He’s known because he has been [freaking] caught before. You don’t know who the good arsonists are, do you?! Because they have their [shenanigans] together.

But no, you had to go hire Dusseldorf, or Durango, or whatever D word your [foolish] moron arsonist is named, and now he’s gone and burned the wrong house, and left me with a BAR question.

4: People who back out of conspiracies

Why don’t you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you [cat].

5. Power companies that leave an electric wire live to deter copper theft

While I appreciate your effort to rid the world of thieves stupid enough to try and steal raw copper wiring that’s [inexplicably] humming and has blue arcs dancing on it, it’s just gonna bite you in the [foot] in the end. Just let the copper go.

6. Fertile Octogenarians

I think I speak for all of us when I say……..Burn the witch!

Burn her!

And don’t use a “known” arsonist!

7. People who use anything more complicated than Fee Simple Absolute in a will

Hey, old man. Either give Horatio your [full] interest in Scroteacre, or don’t, alright? Don’t condition it on him growing a mustache, or learning to play the calliope, or winning “Dancing with the Stars.” Don’t grant a springing executive interest to Zenobia if she manages to graduate from Ninja academy.

Stop making my life more complicated than it needs to be, you Narcissistic old [gent], and stop trying to control your property from the grave in a vain attempt to make up for your [perpetual] feebleness in life.

8. House Painters

Just paint the [entire] house yourself, [pal]

Trust me on this one. It’s not worth it.

9. Bank Mortgages

Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom.

When someone :

1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein,
2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you,
3) on a place called Mushacre
4) so she can buy a new hat,

….do NOT [melon farming] come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line.

And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other [bull spit] I don’t understand, because the answer is always the same.

D) You are [not a secured creditor]. Take it like a [deleted] man.

10. Wanna-be Burglars

I am sick to death of these slack-jawed [melon farmers] deciding at 2 a.m. that they need to borrow their neighbors wrench, and are sure he “won’t mind” if they saunter on over there in the middle of the night, crowbar the garage open, smash open his tool chest, and “borrow it.” And then always the inevitable [stinking]:

Did he commit Larceny/Burglary/Robbery?????? Ohhhhh, no intent!

Let him go, boys. Let the man go.

So I can throw the wrench right at his [stinking] teeth.

Good thing when we are really in practice we will have these Intent Goggles ©, that can magically tell us, despite every bit of evidence to the contrary, this jackass really didn’t intend to commit a crime. He genuinely thought that breaking into your neighbor’s house, stealing his car, taking a [spit] on his pool table, and [sleeping with] his wife were all part of the social covenants between good neighbors.

Time out

2009-07-05T11:05:00.002-05:00

Well, folks, the bar exam is only about 3 weeks away. It's the stretch run. The blog will be on a time out for a few weeks. I'll see you/talk to you in August. Wish me luck.

By way of a quick recap, the 4th of July BBQ was an incredible success, if I may say so myself. Good turnout with plenty of friends. Our team's first run at brisket turned out well, in spite of my amateur butchery. Thanks to all who brought desserts, especially Abbie, Jennifer and Michelle. Props to Stephen for pulling the graveyard shift tending the smoker. For a "going away" party, it was a helluva time. See ya in a month.

My Take on Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T18:59:00.004-05:00

With reports now being confirmed that Michael Jackson has died and an outpouring of support for Jacko all over the media, I wanted to take this time to first voice my outrage and second hear from you guys on what you think Jacko's legacy will be.

First, my take. Sure, Micheal Jackson had a litany of mega hits. I won't list them, but we all know he was an incredibly talented and successful musician. He revolutionized dancing. His was a trailblazer is music videos. Thriller is still a cool video.

Then there were the wild accusations about Jacko's personal life. Spending the night in the same bed with children. Macaulay Culkin. Lisa Marie. The second marriage. The surrogate mother. The series of plastic surgeries. The visible change of skin color. The visible change of his nose.

And, of course, the elephant in the room, the child molestation accusations. Sure, Jacko was acquitted in 2005. Let's not forget OJ was acquitted as well. "Not guilty" does not mean the same thing as "innocent". I'm not saying he did anything, but, sometimes, where there's smoke, there's fire.

What do you think of Michael Jackson? What is the one indelible image of Jacko?

My take on Donte' Stallworth

2009-06-18T17:35:00.003-05:00

This is a sports topic in some regard, but it is more of a legal and criminal justice topic. I also realize that this is a very contraversial subject. It is not my intention to ruffle any feathers. Let's just get straight to the facts.

Donte' Stallworth, while drunk, collided with a 59 year old pedestrian and killed the father of one early in the morning (7:15am) in Miami after a night (and part of the morning) of heavy drinking. In addition to 1000 hours of community service, a donation to MADD, 2 years of house arrest and a potential lifetime loss of his driver's license, Stallworth got 30 days in jail after pleading guilty to DUI manslaughter. The prosecutor cited Stallworth's clean record, cooperation with the police and a private settlement with the family of the victim as factors for his unbelievably short and light sentence. Stallworth's BAC when he was pulled over was .123, more than 50% higher than Florida's .08 legal limit. Stallworth has recently been suspended indefinitely by the NFL. He is likely to be cut by the Browns, his current employer.

On the other hand, Michael Vick served 23 months in Federal prison for his participation in a dog fighting ring. No people were killed. No people were hurt. No families were destroyed. Countless millions of dollars in bonus money, endorsements and game checks were and will be lost. Vick may never play in the NFL again. (I said may, relax).

Let's recap, shall we? Stallworth killed a man the night after earning a $4.5 million dollar bonus. Killed a man. As in killed him dead. Vick, directly and indirectly, killed and had killed numerous pit bulls. Look, I love dogs as much as the next guy. But, in no way would I equate the killing of a dog with the killing of a human being. Yes, what Vick did was horrible. Disgusting. Reprehensible.

How does a person who kills another human being get 30 days in jail while a person who killed some dogs get 23 months in Federal prison? Does that not incense anyone else???

I understand that taking responsibility for one's action garners support from the criminal justice system. Staying at the scene of the crime and cooperating with the police are good steps towards taking responsibility for what a person did. But, let's not lose sight of the fact that a man was killed. Killed because he was crossing the street at 7:15am. And because Stallworth was driving after drinking (heavily). Taking a breathalyzer after killing a person does not absolve a person of killing another person. Hello?

Random Musings

2009-06-16T20:40:00.004-05:00

Well, with Bar Bri in full effect, along with my fear of failing the bar, I've been pretty busy (and productive) studying. A lot of people have told me to take some time to relax (thanks, guys) and try to stick to a routine. Well, blogging is part of my routine. Even if the frequency of posts has slowed somewhat, I'll keep at it. With that in mind, I have some (some what disjointed) topics that don't really warrant an entire post but I felt like should be brought to your attention.

1. Major props to Bagel for hooking up the post-bar trip. Nearly three days in Vegas. Comped suite. Which, and this is truly remarkable, has 2 bathrooms and is nearly the size of my apartment. I'm truly looking forward to that trip. The first 7 and 7 is on me. Ok, well, I'll pay the tip on the free first round.

2. While this may not exactly be news, it must be mentioned. People, it's Houston. It's June. It's hot. This is not new. It's hot every summer. Hell, it's pretty hot in fall and spring, too. In fact, it's not exactly "cold" during winter, either. I realize talking about the weather is not as controversial as politics or religion and people do tend to talk about the weather. But let's not complain as though this is earth-shattering news. I even do this sometimes myself, and I always ask myself, why are you surprised?

3. Is there a funnier minor character in a show than Ted in "Scrubs"? He is an incredibly funny character. He is such a loser. But Ted consistently cracks me up.

4. One of my non-career but life in general goals, starting a BBQ team, is starting to gain some traction. Finally getting a real smoker was a good first step, and joining forces with competent and like-minded people was a second (that is not a shot at anybody else, so just relax). Come check out what we put together on July 4th.

5. The College World Series is a great display of why people love sports. I know this isn't a sports blog (thanks for the heads up, Gizmo) but sports are an important part of life in America. You can say what you want about me, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to people bad mouth The United State of America. Most of these kids, even at the height of college baseball, are not going to play professional baseball, let alone in the Major Leagues. But they play with heart and passion, and it's truly inspiring to see.

6. This is the 20th anniversary of the movie Major League. This is my favorite sports movie and is one of my favorite movies, period. Truly a hilarious movie. Bob Uecker ad libbed many of the lines in the movie. He also wrote a book named Catcher in the Wry. Perfect summer read for anyone, you know, not reading other crap all day long. I highly recommend it.

7. I'm surprised more people are tired of Michael Phelps that Roger Clemens and Mike Vick combined. Truly surprised.

I'd say more, but we can all agree 7 is a better number than 8. So, I'll leave it at that. Have a good rest of the week.

My take on Dwight Howard

2009-06-14T10:58:00.003-05:00

Despite helping to lead the Orlando Magic to it’s first ever NBA Finals victory in Tuesday’s Game Three against the Lakers, and also putting in his best overall performance of the Finals in Thursday’s Game Four loss, Orlando’s Dwight Howard has been surprisingly underwhelming in the championship round so far, especially for someone widely regarded as the most dominant big man in the league today.

When looking at Howard’s performance and why it’s not befitting of the league’s top big, it’s important to take a glance at the Finals performances of some the modern top bigs who came before him, and why, if Howard is to lead his team’s comeback against the Lakers and is to be considered in the upper echelon of NBA centers, his game, especially on the offensive end, needs to be taken to another level.

The first and most obvious Howard comparison would be to the last big-name Magic center, who incidentally is also the last to lead Orlando to the Finals, Shaquille O’Neal. They have the same nickname, the same theme music and even the same physical style of play. But Shaq’s ability to elevate his game in the postseason, and in particular the NBA Finals, is where the comparison stops.

Shaq has elevated his scoring averages from the regular season every time he’s appeared in the NBA Finals, except for his loss to Hakeem Olajuwon’s Houston Rockets in 1995. And his overall playoff scoring, rebounding and assist averages are all higher than his career regular season averages. And with his three consecutive Finals MVP awards, he is generally regarded as one of the best Finals performers in NBA history.

Howard has also drawn comparisons to the aforementioned Olajuwon, due to their freakish athleticism and unusual combination of size, speed and strength. However, Olajuwon’s highly refined and utterly devastating post moves dwarf Howard’s relatively archaic offensive skill level, and much like Shaq, Hakeem was well known for putting in his best work during the post season and especially the Finals.

Olajuwon spent the Rockets two championship runs making a habit of outplaying and occasionally even embarrassing all of the top centers of his day, including O’Neal, Patrick Ewing and David Robinson, and even took it to an aging Kareem Abdul-Jabbar during Houston’s surprising run to the Finals in 1986 (despite their eventual loss to Boston).

Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon

He also has one of the largest leaps in career playoff scoring from his regular season averages of any player in NBA history, including averaging an astonishing 33 points per game for the duration of the 1995 championship run, while his career playoff assists, blocked shots, rebound averages and shooting percentages all are higher than his regular season totals. Hakeem’s famous 1995 scoring dominance was also punctuated by averaging 10.3 rebounds, 4.5 assists and 4.0 blocks per game – all truly incredible numbers. And his back-to-back Finals MVPs cemented his legacy as one of the ultimate NBA clutch performers in every sense of the word.

It only seems right to compare Howard to the last great big man to grace the post season hardwood as well, San Antonio’s Tim Duncan.

Timmy D’s four championship rings were brought by postseason increases in points, rebounds, assists and blocked shots, and his three Finals MVP awards elevated him into an exclusive stratosphere of modern NBA centers/winners, along with O’Neal and Olajuwon.

Dwight Howard, on the other hand, while also increasing his post season averages in points, rebounds and in shooting percentage, still seems to be missing that certain understanding of the offensive game and the complete offensive repertoire that these other three truly great modern big men had.

His postseason scoring average this year of 19.6 points per game is the highest postseason average of his career, while the same number would be considered pedestrian, if not downright disappointing, for any of the other three mentioned centers. And his Finals output has been even less, as he’s averaging only 16.4 points per game against a Lakers squad not exactly known for its interior defense.

His assist numbers remain abysmal, at only 1.8 per game, which should be much higher for a post-up center whose team is trying to run their offense through and who is being doubled with regularity. This shows a still elementary understanding of the offensive complexities of post work, that Howard is still not realizing the full impact his physical presence and offensive skills can have on the game simply by creating matchup problems and getting his teammates involved. By comparison, Duncan averaged 3.5 assists per in the post season, Olajuwon 3.2 and O’Neal 2.8.

Howard also struggles immensely with his free throws, shooting only 64 percent in these playoffs, including 1-4 down the stretch in Thursday’s loss. It was Howard’s clutch-time misses that kept the door open for Derek Fisher’s late-game 3-ball heroics that put Orlando in its 3–1 series hole.

Kobe Bryant and Shaquille O’Neal

At the moment, on the offensive side of the ball, Howard lacks Olajuwon’s grace, footwork and refinement, Duncan’s strong basic fundamentals and understanding of the game and O’Neal’s realization of the full prowess his size and strength gives him.

Even Howard’s supposed strong point, the defensive side of the ball, has a hard time measuring up to the others. Howard’s career post season block averages of 2.6 per game lead only Shaq’s 2.2, still trailing Duncan’s 2.7 and well behind Olajuwon’s playoff average of 3.3. Those numbers become even lower if you take away Thursday night’s 9-block extravaganza, which based on Howard’s previous 35 post season games, was more a one-game anomaly than a trend. This suggests that the reigning NBA Defensive Player of the Year still has a long way to go on the defensive side before he can take his place among the NBA’s modern elite centers.

The only portion of Howard’s Finals and overall postseason performance that can be considered truly dominant has been his rebounding, as he’s averaging a huge 15.6 boards per game this post season, including 16.5 against L.A. And you can’t take that away from Howard, but he’s doing it on a team that basically asks him to grab every rebound while both forwards hover around the perimeter.

Ultimately, it will be Howard’s performance the rest of the way out that will truly write the end to Orlando’s season. Will he be able to lift the team onto his broad shoulders and take them to the promised land, as the other great modern centers have done? Or will his youth, inexperience and still rudimentary understanding of the offensive part of the game be too much for the Magic to overcome without a truly dominant scorer to pick up the slack?

And though he’s still young, and there’s many pages left to be written in the story of Dwight Howard’s NBA career — both O’Neal and Olajuwon lost their first Finals appearances only to bounce back better than ever later in their career — the initial chapters of his legacy will be cemented in these last several games of the 2009 NBA season. If he truly wants to be considered a dominant NBA big man, he’ll take this opportunity to prove it to us.

You know what really grinds my gears Part 7

2009-06-14T09:18:00.003-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears? I'm glad you asked, because it is the following list of activity that really grinds my gears.

1. Brett Favre. Seriously, has this "I'm retired, no wait, I want to play again" dance gone on long enough. He has tried the same tired song and dance every year since 2005. I couldn't care less. Even though the media now jokes about the saturation over the air waves about Brett Favre, they continue to document and report his every move. Favre, who hasn't been an elite QB in close to 7 years, and hasn't been an above average QB in 3 years, is more likely to throw interceptions than touchdowns. He's not a gun slinger anymore. He's old. And I don't care about him at all. Go away and stay away.

2. In the same vein about over saturation, people who update their facebook status every three minutes or every time they do anything, no matter how mundane, need to stop. Realize I've already blocked your updates on my facebook account. Eating a sandwich, or driving to the grocery store do not need facebook updates. A play by play of your day at work is, again, something I don't need to see on my computer screen. If I wanted to know what you were doing at that exact moment, I would call you (Thanks for that line, Guillermo McMillan).

3. Comcast. Not only was the Internet and cable out for half of the day Wednesday, but it's been going out on a nearly day by day basis. Why would I continue to pay outrageous bills for a hit or miss service? Oh, right, there is no other cable company. A monopoly. How American.

4. People in the express lane at Kroger (or any other grocery store, but I shop at Kroger these days) who haggle over a few cents when a line builds up behind them. If you bring coupons and watch the cashier like a hawk, go to the regular lines. Don't go to the express lanes. And if you have 15 items or more in the 15 items or less line and have coupons and cause the manager to have to come give you a rain check because you couldn't get your Fiber One and a discount before you START writing your check, let alone whip out your check book, you need to go to the regular lanes. Not the express lane. That is the lane reserved for people with a few items and ready to pay with a credit card or debit card. You know, those people who can move along in an "express" fashion. The name express is not just thrown out there because the grocery stores like the way it looks. It's a convenience feature. Get out of the lane, grandma.

5. Those "guys" who wear the Euro-tight jeans. Listen, you're a guy, you don't need to wear skin tight jeans. There is no reason to wear pants so tight they don't even go over your hind quarters. Get a hair cut, buy some new pants, and for God's sake, wearing a thin tie with an untucked shirt looks moronic so don't do that. I'm not sure you realize this is Texas, not Paris or Milan. Wear your jeans the right way.

My take on Kobe Bryant

2009-06-10T00:09:00.005-05:00

First, let me get a few things out of the way. I know this is not a sports blog, but sports are important to me and this is my blog. So, deal with it (Abbie, I'm talking to you). Second, I'm going to keep this strictly on the topic of basketball. I'm not letting my personal distaste for Kobe Bryant color this post. Third, Nate, these are facts and stats and are not intended to ruffle any proverbial feathers.

Kobe missed some free throws and the Lakers did not beat the Magic in game 3 of the somewhat anti-climactic NBA Finals. (I barely watched the game, and I'm one of the last 11 NBA fans left in the United States but that's not the point). Watching Sportscenter, I saw Kobe saying that he's used to making game winners and carrying his team to victory. Part of that is true. Kobe carries his team on a nightly basis. It's hard to argue he's not one of the best players of this generation, if not of all time. He's surely in the conversation of top 5 to 8 guards of all time. Some of his teams have been less talented than others, but the Lakers have been contenders more often than not with Kobe on the team. Largely because of Kobe. Like him or dislike him (he is a polarizing figure, one way or another [and if you disagree with that, you're drinking just not being objective]) Kobe is incredibly talented.

But let's talk about clutch. How do we define clutch? Let's define it as a game winning opportunity. Not just buzzer beating shots, as that would be statistically insignificant. Let's define clutch as:

With 24 seconds or less, then it truly is a "last possession" situation potentially

With a margin from tied to down 2, the team can take the lead with a made basket (including 3's)

By excluding a down 3 situation, we don't have the "gimme two point buckets" that defenses will sometimes yield to the quick bucket/intentional foul strategy option you often see exercised.

Using stats from 82games.com (an incredible NBA site, by the way, for the other 10 of you out there) analyzing the past 5 seasons, including playoffs (through February of this year), the league average for shots in this situation is .298. Not that great, but these are challenging shots. Some of these shots are from half court or beyond. Some are with less than one full second remaining.

Who has made the most of these game winning shots in the past 5 years? I'm glad you asked. It's Lebron James, with 17. We all remember the shot he hit against Orlando with hands in his face. Trey (allegedly) celebrated by imitating Lebron's chalk throwing. It was an incredible shot, without a doubt. What is the King's percentage on these shot? .340. Better than league average. Lebron also has 6 assists in these situations. So, one could argue he has created 23 game winners, when adding shots and assists.

Where is Kobe on this list? Well, he's fourth with 14. Certainly nothing to sneeze at. What is his percentage? Again, I'm glad you asked. It's below league average at .250. How many turnovers does he have in these situations? 5. He leads the entire NBA in that category. How many shots has he taken? 56. Wow, that's a lot. He leads the NBA in that category as well. Kobe also leads the league in misses, with 42 game winning shots missed. How many assists does Kobe have in game winning opportunities? One. In 62 chances (56 shots, one pass, 5 turnovers).

This is not to say Kobe is terrible. Clearly, I'm not saying that. I'm saying he's not infallible. But when you hear people say Kobe is the best finisher in the league, re-think that. He's not the most clutch. He doesn't pass to his teammates in those same clutch moments.

I thinks we can all agree that superstars get calls in the NBA. Michael Jordan did, Kobe does, Lebron does, Wade does. Just like in baseball where the tie goes to the runner, the borderline call goes to the star. This is nothing new. But I wonder how many of these calls were bail out calls, or touchy calls, or borderline calls, or superstar calls?

Bottom line: Kobe's good. Very good. He can absolutely finish a game the Lakers are winning by hitting jumpers and getting to the line. But, he's not the best at winning games in the clutch. And he's surely no MJ. Remember when MJ passed to Kerr and Paxson? Those were the plays MJ made. Who besides Kobe has made a game winner for the Lakers? Horry, on an amazing shot that he took after getting an offensive rebound and Fischer, who made an insane shot on an inbounds play. Both of these were against the Spurs in different years.

Update on Best Burgers in Houston

2009-06-07T21:11:00.005-05:00

As a general introduction, the previous list was made up of places I had eaten. So, places such as Bubba's, 5 Guys, Mockingbird, Amazon Grille, Sullivan's, and Vic and Anthony's did not make my list, nor will they be added at this point. McCormick's burger, for 2 dollars, is very good. But I would hesitate to call it anything more than a happy hour burger. In an attempt to broaden my horizons, Miller's and Southwell's were places I frequented in the past 10 days.

Miller's (on North Shepherd) was very good. It was everything I had heard it would be. I would have to say that the onion rings were only pretty good. Leighton and Wes had chicken fried steak sandwiches, which in no way could be bad. Simply no way in the world.

Southwell's (the one across from Memorial High School) was not only hard to find (I blame Katy and Google Maps equally) but not all I had heard it was. It was good. Don't get me wrong. But it was not great. If I could borrow a thought from Nathan, a burger is somewhat similar to a hot wing, in that it is easy to make a decent one but difficult to make an exceptional one. Southwell's made a solid burger. But, it was not as good as some of the other places.

One of those places, which I had been to before this last came out and which I have been to since this list came out is Lankford Grocery. It's tucked into the neighborhood around Taft and West Gray. For those who don't know, it closes at 3 and is closed on Sundays. The Firehouse Burger is incredible. You will sweat, you will cry, and you will love it. The Soldier Burger is served with a fried egg and looks very good. The down home feel is a big part of the charm and makes this place special. Tater tots don't hurt either. Neither does a side called "Tex Mex" -- fried jalapeno and onion strips. Think onion rings, but strips. The peppers aren't hot, but are full of flavor. The burgers require two hands to hold and eat, the patty is well seasoned and medium-cooked.

I hesitated in the earlier post to make this declaration, but this is the best burger in Houston. You need to go immediately. You won't be disappointed; you'll wish you'd been going to Lankford for years.

Guest Post from "Private" Schubert

2009-06-02T21:47:00.004-05:00

Before Leighton tells his story, let me provide a little background. We had both discussed getting haircuts this week, perhaps shorter than normal. Which is fine for me. My hair is usually pretty short. So getting a "2" guard cut isn't that short. Leighton, on the other hand, has a problem. I'll let him explain, in his own words, with a few minor edits from me. Last thing, before we get to Leighton's story...He came over to my apartment around 945pm. I was talking on the phone to my side kick, Abbie. I opened the door and said "Oh god. Leighton has no hair. I'll have to call you back."

The Haircut From Hell.

By Leighton Schubert.

It was a fine Tuesday afternoon. The sun was shining, a bird was singing a lovely tune, there was not a cloud in the sky. But little did I know, there were dark clouds looming in the distance of my day.

I needed a haircut. So I marched down to my normal place, which shall go nameless for their sake (editor's note: TGF on West Grey). After signing in on the list, I was quickly ushered to a waiting station. There was a nice (editor's note: old) Vietnamese lady waiting to cut my hair. (editor's note: this same woman cut my hair within the hour of butchering Leighton's hair. She kept saying nonsense to me and I kept pretending not to hear her. She was clearly rattled.) We exchanged the normal hair cutting pleasantries and I informed her I wanted my hair to be shorter than normal. (Little did I know my wish would soon be granted..)

She pulls out the clippers and proceeds to cut three quarters of my hair with no issue. Then it happened.....

As she was trimming the left side of my hair with the clippers, some sort of malfunction occurred. The details are a little fuzzy, but as far as I could tell the guard on the clippers must not have been attached correctly. Said guard fell off and the lady then made another swipe at my hair with no guard on the clippers. Yes, NO guard! (Editor's note: Oh boy!!)

All hell then proceeded to break loose. Everyone in the vicinity, both customers and employees alike, reacted with an audible gasp at the sight. The Vietnamese lady attempted to "fix" the problem by combing over what was left of my hair that she did not buzz off. Oddly this did not work.

The manager then headed over for a strategy session to figure out how short we would have to cut the rest of my hair to match with my new "hair style." After a short meeting of the brain trust, we decided I would have to have a 'one' guard in order for it to match. So that is where we stand.

The best part of the story is that upon leaving, the people that were waiting in the lobby area were all telling me that it did not look that bad. Nothing like pity from complete strangers. I may be wearing a hat for the next 4 weeks.

Above is a picture of my new haircut. (Jager Bombs anyone? How about you Willy Mac?) I look like a mix between a private in the Army and a convict...

Top Burgers in Houston

2009-05-27T19:19:00.002-05:00

After this Memorial Day's BBQ with three different kinds of hamburgers (with credit to Leighton and Wes, we made "Hometown, H-town, Get Down burgers (also called "regular" but where is the fun in that?), Chimichurri burgers, and B-4 Bacon and Blue Cheese Bunker Buster Burgers) I got to thinking about some of the best burgers in Houston. This is in no particular order, and if you know if an unlisted place, please pass it on in the comments.

1. Christian's Tailgate. These are big, greasy and delicious burgers. I like to add grilled jalapenos to mine for that extra little kick. Additional points for onion rings. Points deducted for karaoke contests, terrible weekend parking, and lots of Cougar High (University of Houston undergrad) students.

2. Lankford Grocery. This place is relatively new to me, but has been a Houston tradition for many years. Even though they are only open until 3 pm and closed completely on Sundays, you need to try one of the Fire House Burgers. Jalapenos, extra hot mustard and a home made habanero sauce that will literally make you cry. It's incredible. But you will cry. And it's worth it. Extra points for charm and tater tots, not to mention clientele. Without a doubt, I was one of the smallest people in the entire restaurant when I went for the first time.

3. Pappas Brother's Burgers. These are huge burgers. Very juicy, very tasty. Points deducted for cost (not cheap), terrible fries and huge crowds at peak times. Still, a good burger.

4. Hub Cap Grille. A tiny place in down town that is cash only, the Hub Cap Grille is simply great. They have good fries, and even better sweet potato fries. Extra points added for home made buns. One of the best burgers I've ever had, let alone in Houston.

5. Smash Burger. A lot of people say a lot of good things about Smash Burger. It's pretty good. But it's not great. The fries come in a number of options and the gourmet version with olive oil and rosemary is good. But the burger was only pretty good. I'm not saying it was bad, but it was far from great. I feel like burgers are like hot wings. It is not hard to make a decent one, but, despite the simplicity, is difficult to make an exceptional one. Smash Burger was good, not great. The smash sauce, incidentally, tasted a lot like Thousand Island dressing and Tabasco.

6. Onion Creek, Dry Creek and Cedar Creek. All these burger joints are owned by the same people, so I've included them in one listing. The places create an Austin feel and the burger are good. Much like Smash Burger, they are short of great. But the turkey burger with guacamole is a highlight.

7. Max's Wine Dive, despite its cost, has a great Kobe Beef Burger. Its around $25, but its incredible. Everything on the plate is top notch. Fries, burgers, sauces, cheese, grilled onions and on and on. It's hard to believe, but this is worth the price. It's as good as a steak. Good thing, because it costs as much as one.

8. Barnaby's. I'm including the one on West Grey close to Taft and not the others simply because I've only been to this one, but the burgers are very good. The only problem is that there are so many other options, such as Fattoush, that I rarely get the burger there. Bonus points for stimulus brownies. If you don't know what that is, until the Dow hits 11,000, brownie sundaes are one dollar. Major bonus points.

Welcome to the freakshow...

2009-05-26T21:58:00.003-05:00

There are many positive aspects about the apartment complex in which I live. It's close to school and work. There are plenty of things to do around this part of town. A good number of fellow law students live in the complex and other friends live in the area. But there are some drawbacks. There is a fire station across Washington Avenue and from time to time the sirens wake me up. There are also a number of complete nutjobs who deserve special mention. These people aren't necessarily a drawback or a negative. To be fair, they do make me laugh, even if I try not to laugh in their faces for obvious reasons.

1. Wetsuit guy. This gent walks from across the complex in a wetsuit and flippers to the pool, where he swims countless laps. Now, there is nothing all that weird about swimming in a pool in Houston during the summer in a wetsuit. Well, there is something weird about it. But walking a few hundred yards to do that is just a bit off.

2. Sweater jogger. Another one of the residents of Archstone is a guy who runs in a sweater. No, not one you can buy at a store, but an all-natural man sweater. Front and back. Full length. Ironically, he's bald as a cue ball.

3. Computer in the gym guy. There is a guy who wears jeans to the gym, charges his cell phone and plays on the internet on this computer. He sits on one of the weight machines, but does not work out. He also changes the channel on the second television to whatever is on the first one and turns the volume way up. I don't get it. Maybe he doesn't have tv or internet in his apartment? Maybe he's just a weirdo? It could be both.

4. Another one of the winners from the gym, it's argyle socks guy. This little guy wears argyle socks with his New Balance shoes in the gym. He doesn't really work out much, but he does try to spit game at every girl in the gym. He clearly has no shame, as I've seen girls laugh at him with little to no deterrent effect. All the while wearing mid calf high argyle socks.

5. There is the girl who lives here who is having an affair with a guy who does not live here. No names will be used, as nearly all of the people who know these two know they are having an affair. That is, everyone except for the guy's wife. It's pretty funny to see them in the parking lot, only to see people they know try to greet them awkwardly and then try to slip away. Hilarious.

6. There is the guy who has a full sized stuffed bob cat on his coffee table, which is right next to his front window. Pretty startling at night, trust me.

another tip on procrastination

2009-05-18T18:10:00.005-05:00

awkwardfamilyphotos.com

This is another hilarious website with people's funny and awkward and even terrifying family photos. For all I can tell, it appears to be real photos. It's both funny and sad. This is not safe for work, unless your job allows walrus junk photos. You read that correctly. The comments are equally funny and from what I've read so far, not all that offensive. Of course, I also don't think Jeremy Hall is offensive while most of America does. So, there's that.

Recap of an EPIC wedding weekend

2009-05-17T22:44:00.006-05:00

First of all, congratulations to Laura (aka legal beagle) and Rob on their marriage. The wedding was unbelievable. Great food, great location, and great dancing (from mostly everyone) and some terrible dancing (hint: me) in Newport, Rhode Island this weekend. All in all, as a break between finals and Bar Bri, this could not have been more perfect. A lot of old friends were able to catch up and have a great time. Here is a quick recap, in bullet form, of an epic (copyright Laura Nicholson-Proccacanti [spelling]) weekend.

Quickly, the food was incredible at the wedding. The sushi bar was very good, the dinner itself was very good, the cake was good, and there was a candy bar. Basically, everyone could fill bags with different kinds of candy. The only drawback emerged when everyone (read: started by Will Yester) tried to throw candy into people's drinks (read: threw candy all over the place, including the hotel room). There may or may not (read: most certainly may) have been Reese's Pieces all over room 205.
At the end of the night, more food was served, including Mini Sirloin Burgers (not from Jack in the Box) and they were very good.
One of the flights, there was a stand by passenger named Dick Burns.
After the rehearsal dinner, we were all able to watch the Rockets victory in Game 6. Yes, I realize they lost in Game 7, but it was a great game for the Rockets. Some of the fans (read: instigated by me) were chanting "Houston" (clap clap) "Rockets" over and over.
On the way to Rhode Island, we stopped for a hot dog at a place in the Detroit Airport. They were not very good. Sadly, when I returned to Detroit for my connection back to Houston, the only place open around my gate was the same hot dog place. All I wanted was a Diet Coke. All I heard (while ordering my drink) was two monstrously obese female employees discuss why they don't like hot dogs but like sausages (it was a euphemism for male genitals). These rocket scientists assumed nobody was able to crack their code and loudly discussed the topic further. I was horribly offended. It was gross. Let's move on. I'll just add "Stay classy Detroit."
On the flight from Detroit to Rhode Island, I was lucky enough to sit next to a woman who had never flown before. She was a nervous and chatty passenger. Even when I wore both headphones, she proceeded to tell me her entire life story. I now know more about this woman than I do any other person in the world. All I can take away from this is that this woman was nowhere as obscene as the women giving etiquette lessons at the hot dog stand.
After the wedding, some of us including a fish named Betsy, Jacki, Paula and I wrapped what we hoped was the groom's car. We were able to "convince" people at the front desk to give us toilet paper, shaving cream, and tooth paste with which we covered what we thought was Rob's car. Thankfully, we were correct. That was fun.
We sat outside eating some clam chowder and, within 10 minutes, saw a fog roll over the city and blanket Newport in a thick fog. It was both a downer and impressive at the same time.
Whoever that handsome devil in the striking red tie that read the Prayer of the Faithful at the wedding did an incredible job. In my opinion. Especially considering he had only been given a copy of the prayer minutes before the ceremony began. Props.
The day after the wedding, those of us who remained in Newport went on a cliff walk along the Atlantic Ocean. We saw some very historic and famous mansions in Newport. Thankfully, Jeremy knew a lot about them and was able to educate the rest of us. For example, we all saw the mansion in which Andrew Carnegie murdered his mixed race butler. That is according to Jeremy Eric Hall, in case anyone from that Carnegie family reads this blog and wants to sue him. I'm not saying what he said is true or not, but that's what he said. Jeremy also told us the original Blarney Stone was housed in one of the other mansions. There were a few other stories he told us, but they are simply not safe for a family friendly blog such as this.
We saw a sail boat crashed upon the rocks next to the cliffs. There were two tugboats trying to save the ship. The mast broke. It was pretty surreal.
We met a girl who was so annoying and dumb we were texting each other about it while talking to her. I think we decided on calling her Talking McStupiderson, or T-Mac for short.

All in all, an incredible weekend. I'm keeping some of the stories and shenanigans off the internet just in case anyone who was there ever decides to run for office. Just kidding. Not really.

This Just In...

2009-05-17T13:55:00.002-05:00

The Houston Rockets season official ends today, even before tip off. Why, you ask, is the season over before game 7 is even played today in LA? Because the NBA assigned Joey Crawford to referee the game. Crawford, who somehow always ends up reffing games where the home team must win because it is a media darling, is guaranteed to make countless shady calls against the Rockets and in favor of Kobe (the rapist. allegedly) and the Lakers.

I realize this is not a sports blog, but it's important to me. I officially hate the NBA now. It's dead to me. I'm now glad I will be on a plane and will miss game 7.

Photo Caption: The NBA. Where corruption happens.

Tips for Procrastinating

2009-05-09T20:10:00.005-05:00

So, if you're like me, and are nearly done with law school (hold your applause, please, until everyone is done), studying with finals is getting more and more difficult. Breaks arrive more frequently and last longer. It's ok, as long as you are saving your effort for the upcoming bar exam. That's how I look at it, anyway.

Also, if you're looking to waste a little time at work or just in general, the Internet is a heckuva place to go. There are a number of websites that are tremendously helpful in "spending" time on "breaks." Of course, there is Facebook, Youtube, and the usual sites. But, there are a few new ones I'd like to pass along. If you've already heard of them, good for you. It's not a race. Anyway, on to the list. I'll be sure to mention which ones are safe for work and which ones are not.

1. Textsfromlastnight.com. This is NOT safe for work, but is hilarious. Basically, people send in their stupid text messages and those from their friends. Many of them are "crude" and "off color" but are pretty darn funny. Enjoy this one at home.

2. Fmylife.com. This is one not quite as new, but there is an iPhone app for it. FML, as people call it, allows people to send in their embarrassing, stupid and awkward moments. Again, some are fairly crude and gross and this is also NOT safe for work. But it is funny.

3. Failblog.org. This is safe for work, as far as I was able to tell. This has photos, videos, etc. of people at their most embarrassing, painful and stupid. So, to answer your question, it is hilarious.

4. Sporcle.com. This is safe for work, also. It's essentially a huge site full of different quizzes in categories such as sports, politics, movies, etc. Each of the quizzes is timed and you can compete against your friends. You know, if you enjoy competing in every aspect of life. Especially trivial things on the Internet.

5. WebMD. As I'm writing this, I heard on TV that Yao Ming is out for the playoffs with a hair line fracture in his foot. I figured since he was genetically engineered in China he would not break down every year, but apparently things made in China don't last like they should. This is still somehow Tracy McGrady's fault.

If you have any other websites I or people like me need to know about, pass it along in the comments section.

What I want to be when I grow up (alternate reality)

2009-05-06T14:03:00.002-05:00

In an effort to make this blog more interactive, consider the following hypothetical. Let me stress that this is merely a hypothetical and in no way is reality.

So, let's just say,again, hypothetically, this whole law thing doesn't work out. Granted, I've wanted to be a lawyer since I was a little kid. I've been defending my brother since he was born, practically. People say that they've never seen a kid get away with more shenanigans, but, hey, he had a good lawyer. And isn't that what our justice system is about? Getting away with stuff because you have a good lawyer. What's that? Equality? Justice is blind? She might be blind, but she knows rich people don't commit crimes.

Anyway, back to my point. If I could not be a lawyer, and were forced to enter another profession, I think I would become a chef.

I also realize that this is the last week of finals and law school and perhaps a strange time to think about what I would be if I weren't a lawyer, but Will McMillan keeps telling me he's going to win the lottery and what we won't have to work for a living and that I could be his chef. Wow, I really have procrastinated enough today. Back to Family Law.

What would you be in an alternate reality?

Movies you just need to know

2009-05-06T12:56:00.003-05:00

Now, I realize I've spent (wasted, as my self-appointed "funny side kick" would say) a great deal of my life watching, memorizing (unintentionally) and quoting movies, Seinfeld, The Simpsons, Family Guy, etc. I wish I could quote literature, poetry and things of the like. But, I can't do that. I've made my peace with it.

Anyway. There are a number of movies that people of this generation just need to be able to say the next line, or another line in the movie, at least recognize the movie. That is the hierarchy. If you can't even recognize the movie, you should be ashamed. Here is how this works. The situation and the movie that works with it. If you have an suggestions, please leave them in the comments. They are always much appreciated.

1. If something smells bad, you must quote Anchorman. You must say "It's a formidable scent. It stings the nostrils. I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline."

2. Bowling. Any time you're bowling and somebody steps over the line, or even if they don't, you should quote The Big Lebowski. "Over the line. I'm sorry Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul."

3. Baseball. Any time somebody hits a home run, you must quote Major League. "Too high. What do you mean too high? Who cares? It's gone."

4. If you see somebody wearing a shirt with no sleeves in a situation that calls for sleeves, you again go to Major League. "Okay Vaughn. They say you're a pitcher, you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves on this level, son."

5. Golf. If you're playing golf, Caddy Shack must be quoted. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greens keeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"

Another option is "So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. "

6. If somebody is unable to make up their mind about what to eat, you can go to Caddy Shack once again. "I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...You will get nothing and like it!"

7. If somebody is going to the grocery store, you need to give them the list from Half Baked. "Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons." Since that one is a lot to memorize, a partial quote will suffice.

8. Jamaica. If you're talking about Jamaica, you go back to Half Baked for this little gem. "I be from Jamaica, man. Lord have mercy. What part of Jamaica? Right near the beach, boy-eeeee!"

9. If somebody is buying cheese, you must quote Borat and ask them "What is this? Is this a cheese?" till they are completely frustrated. It doesn't take that long. Note: this doesn't actually happen very much, but I wanted to get Borat on the list. There are a number of other quotes that come up but are simply not fit for this blog.

There are a number of other movies and quotes that must be left out in order for this to remain a family friendly blog.

I just have to say a little more about T-Mac

2009-05-01T20:42:00.003-05:00

Knee-Mac. McLady. The insults and criticism have rained down on Tracy McGrady from both Rocket fans and foes alike. No heart. Lazy. Has never been past the first round. Not a team player. We’ve heard it all. Hell, I've said it all before.

But still, the prevailing opinion among McGrady’s current teammates, coach Rick Adelman and even some prominent members of the Houston media is that despite the Rockets’ gleaming 33–14 record this season minus McGrady (and a pedestrian 20–15 record with him) there is no way the Rockets are better with T-Mac on the injury shelf.

After last Tuesday night’s narrow game 2 loss in Portland, where Rockets center Yao Ming was banged, bodied, fronted, double and sometimes triple teamed into a 3–6 night, scoring just 11 points, Adelman commented, ”Teams can’t do some of the things they’ve been doing to Yao if we’ve got Tracy. He would make them pay.” Earlier in the year, Ron Artest had this to say to HOOPSWORLD: “I think when he was here, we played better. I don’t think we’re as good without him.”

Even local Houston writer and season-long McGrady critic Richard Justice recently reversed his position, siding with Adelman in claiming Houston could really use McGrady right now in its series with Portland.

So while everyone seems to be saying nice things in support of Houston’s 23-million-dollar missing "man" (gelding), a closer look suggests the Rockets would be better off cutting ties with their maligned swingman as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

For starters, despite McGrady’s obvious (former?) dynamic playmaking skills and achieving the two highest assist averages of his career since joining the Rockets, his tendency to rely too much on his erratic jump shot rather than his athleticism and his constant need for a high number of shot attempts too often disrupts offensive continuity and hinders opportunities for his teammates.

McGrady hasn’t shot above 43 percent from the field since the 02–03 season with Orlando, and he hasn’t averaged more than 7 free throws a game since joining the Rockets, even dipping to 5.4 FTs a game last year and down to 4.5 attempts in this year’s injury-riddled campaign, clearly demonstrating his aversion to driving to the bucket. And his three-point percentages have been rock bottom for a player of his caliber. He’s hovered around the 33 percent range from deep his whole career, even dipping to an atrocious 29 percent last season.

Perhaps even more detrimental to the success of the team than even his icy shooting percentages has been McGrady’s constant need to have the ball in his hands. The 2009 half-season has been the only season since he joined the Rockets in which McGrady has averaged below 20 shots a game. When you have a 7’6” center with a plethora of post moves and a career 52 percent shooting from the field in Yao Ming, a 52 percent shooting power forward who can score inside and out in Luis "El Guacho" Scola, and a young, dunking (pre-shooting) dynamo with a 58 percent career field goal percentage coming off the bench in power forward Carl Landry, pounding the ball inside at any opportunity becomes essential for success. At the very least, having such talented players on the frontline should have provided T-Mac with ample drive and dish opportunities, but instead he’d rather hover around the perimeter, dribbling down the shot clock and launching last second 23 foot jumpers.

The Rockets, like most teams with a skilled big man, are much better when posting up their center and utilizing the opportunities created out of that. Whether it’s letting Yao work his array of turnarounds and hook shots one on one, having the perimeter players cut to basket to take advantage of Yao’s superior passing skills, kick outs for open threes after a double team or simply swinging the ball back around for a Yao repost, the chances for a bucket created by working through their unselfish center rather than their inconsistent swingman are clearly raised.

Even in a situation such as last Tuesday night, where the Blazers were fronting Yao with Greg Oden, moving Joel Przybilla in from behind, and occasionally even bringing Lamarcus Aldridge in for a triple team, plenty of opportunities existed for the Rockets without T-Mac, they just failed to take advantage of them.

Of course, with such attention being paid to the Minger, the backside was often opened up wide for ample scoring chances. And while Von "The Black Hawk" Wafer and Aaron Brooks were able to step up to the tune of 21 and 23 points respectively, with both shooting better than 50 percent for the night. Wafer, who is clearly Houston’s most athletic perimeter player, was inexplicably relegated to bench duty by Adelmen as a tight game wound down. (Perhaps an explanation is that Wafer plays little to no defense.) In his stead Houston’s coach chose to play both Shane "Batt-man" Battier and Ron "Crazy Pills" Artest simultaneously in an attempt to slow down a red-hot Brandon Roy (42 points) when it was plainly obvious to anyone watching that Roy was not going to be slowed by anyone and that Houston’s only chance was to continue to score. And with Artest mired in a 2–11 second half shooting slump and Yao draped on like a blanket, Battier, for all the positives he brings to the team, is hardly the right man to answer that challenge.

In the end, it was hardly the absence of an aging, never-really-was superstar with a 43 percent career shooting mark that was Houston’s ultimate demise in last Tuesday’s Game 2. With better coaching and more willingness to take advantage of the mismatches Yao creates, Houston took advantage of its best chance of advancing past the first round in 12 seasons - and the only thing that has to do with Tracy McGrady is the fact he’s been in Chicago rehabbing his knee rather than suiting up in Rockets red.

I just have to say...

2009-04-30T23:11:00.003-05:00

I just have to say that if T-Mac was still playing for the Rockets, there is no way that the Rockets would have won tonight or the series. He is gutless. And has no heart. He is a loser. I have a few more words that i could use to describe him, but they aren't family friendly so we can all just use our imaginations. We can all settle on "gelding" without ruffling any feathers. Anyway.

This team, without T-Mac, has heart. They beat a young, hungry, and scary good Portland team. The rest of the NBA better watch out, because the Blazers are going to be great, even if Greg Oden is HORRIBLE. Beyond bad. Just atrocious. He couldn't even dominate in the YMCA over 60 league. He can't even walk around without fouling.

Anyway, the Rockets play with heart and are easy to root for. Yao Ming quietly dominates, when the guards get him the ball. Scola and Landry have range, crash the boards, and play solid defense. Aaron Brooks and Kyle Lowry are solid at the point. Wafer is instant offense off the bench. He will dunk on anyone, at any time. Chuck Hayes plays incredible defense. Deke was the man, even if he never played more than 5 minutes at a time. Battier is clutch from the corner and plays lock down defense. Crazy Pills Artest is a bull.

I think they have a decent shot at beating LA. Not a great shot. But it's possible. I would bet on the Rockets to win, if gambling on sports was legal (ie, not wire fraud) and somebody gave me decent odds. I'd say they have a better than 1 in 10 chance.

Bottom line, it's about time they got out of the first round and I'm glad they're not playing Utah. I can't stand the Jazz. I'm rambling. GO ROCKETS. BEAT LA. BEAT LA.

Yes, it's another list of random people or places or things

2009-04-28T16:43:00.005-05:00

So, it's finals time. But you already knew that.

The frequency of random questions and thoughts is through the roof. Especially since you spend 8 to 12 hours a day in a room with the same person. It's like prison, only without anything gross. And I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, the random comment from today is from none other than Will McMillan. Shocker there, huh?

So, as background, in our second semester of law school, Will and I saw "300" in the IMAX before we wrote our appellate briefs. It really pumped us up and we both finished our papers shortly thereafter. Since, then, our running joke has been to go back to the IMAX for motivation before finals. So, Will suggested we see "Earth" because it is narrated by James Earl Jones and that James Earl Jones is the coolest old actor. I told William he was flat-out wrong and that I could come up with ten cooler actors over 50. So, here is the list (in no particular order) with some help from Will, Abbie and Wikipedia.

1. Samuel L. Jackson. Greatest curser of all time. Enough said. Plus, he's been in over 100 movies.

2. Jack Nicholson. The Joker, Col. Jessup, As Good as it Gets.

3. Sean Connery. Not only is he Scottish, but he was the best James Bond and the best on Celebrity Jeopardy.

4. Bill Murray. Seriously, do I need to tell you why?

5. Morgan Freeman. Narrating "Shawshank" is enough for me.

6. Anthony Hopkins.

7. Tommy Lee Jones. Bonus points because his nephew went to St. John's.

8. Harvey Kietel. Mr. Wolf.

9. James Earl Jones. Wait, you're telling me the point of this list was to come up with ten actors over 50 who are cooler than James Earl? Oh, whoops. Well, in my defense, he is pretty cool. I never said he wasn't. Ok, if I have to choose somebody else, I'll go with Willie Nelson. He was in Half Baked, so he counts as an actor. If you don't like Willie Nelson, you might as well move to Canada. So, just to be clear, I am not picking James Earl Jones to be on the list. It was a joke that I'm not sure Will got. I'm going with Willie Nelson.

10. Christopher Walken. Suicide Kings, Pulp Fiction, The Milagro Bean Field War (ok, that last one sucked)

Honorable mention goes to Danny De Vito (only because of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Steve Buscemi and John Malcovich.

You know what really grinds my gears Part 6

2009-04-27T22:59:00.005-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears? A number of things, to be honest. Good thing for all of us I've made the following list.

1. The so-called "great" iPhone. Look, I have an iPhone. When I first got it, I hated it. Honest. For about one day. My fingers were too, ahem, wide, to type text messages and emails. The phone function was only pretty good. But then I got sucked in by the ad campaign and all the cool games and toys on the phone. And all was good for a few months. I downloaded plenty of games and apps, as these kids today call them. I still really enjoy a few of the apps, especially the card games and the MLB streaming app. But, after a few months, I came to my senses. Don't get me wrong, it's a fun little game machine. Even if the apps crash more often that Ajay or anyone affiliated with Apple will tell you. The phone feature, however, of the iPhone is pretty bad. It's cumbersome to dial anyone who is not on your favorites list. Calls get dropped all the time. Even if you're just sitting there trying to talk. Especially if you're just sitting there trying to talk. Bottom line, it's fun. But it's a phone for children. If I had to do it all over again, I'd get a Blackberry. Or, as I like to call it, an adult phone.

2. Ron Artest. Or as I've been calling him (with a credit to the blogosphere) "Crazy Pills." I realize he's a great defender, even if he defends with all shoulders, elbows and knees. (He definitely is a man, unlike Tracy McGrady. Or as I like to call him, McLazy.) But Ron, seriously, pass the ball. You're not a great shooter. Hell, you're not even a good shooter. There is no reason for you to take 20 plus shots per game, especially since most of them are long off-balance jumpers and forays into the lane that start and end with the finesse of a HumVee. If you make 5 or 6 shots and take 20, it's time to shoot less. Dump it down to Yao. Hit Shane "Batt-man" Battier or Aaron Brooks or Luis "Guacho" Scola or fearless Von Wafer. Look, I'm glad Crazy Pills is on the Rockets. The team would not be in the playoffs, let alone up 3-1 over the young and dangerous Blazers, without Crazy Pills. But PASS THE BALL, DUDE.

3. This is merely preemptive, and I know I've spoken about this before, but don't come tell me to be quiet in the library. Katy, I'm talking about you. I'm talking to you. It's only been one day of real library study time. But I know it's going to happen. Well, I realize you're going to try to tell me to be quiet, I'll roll my eyes and mutter something. Let's just move on.

4. Final Exams. This is the last time I'll ever take finals. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it's not a freight train called the bar exam. But this is the end of finals. I'm utterly sick and tired of getting up early to go to the library to sit there all day and study. I'm done with it. And it's only been one day. Yeesh.

5. My downstairs neighbor. Guy, you've been coughing since October. You either have tuberculosis, SARS or the Swine Flu. See a doctor. It's just gross. This guy doesn't just cough once or twice. He doesn't cough quietly. It's a constant wet hacking. Yeesh.

D-Day

2009-04-25T01:17:00.004-05:00

No, I'm not talking about storming beaches or shooting at Germans. I'm talking about the NFL draft. This is probably my favorite non-holiday day of the year. Sure, there's Opening Day in baseball and the Super Bowl, but the draft is truly my favorite. Even when it's not draft day, I love being able to tell people where a certain player went to college, when he was drafted, his 40 time, and all down the line. I'll admit it, I'm a little obsessive about the draft. You know how kids are the day before Christmas? That's how I am the day before the draft. It's a little weird, I realize. Stop trying to change me.

For those of you who aren't utterly obsessed with sports, now may be a good time to stop reading. At the same time, you might want to stick around and learn something about me. And isn't that why we're all here? To learn about our fellow man? Ok, enough of that drivel.

Ever since Madden Football came up with Dynasty Mode, where you could run a team for a number of seasons, I've been obsessed with running a football team. My absolute dream job would be a general manager of an NFL team. On Madden, I would usually simulate all the games and skip ahead to the off season, specifically the draft. Even on a video game, I was thoroughly entertained by drafting football players.

Now, back to real life. Watching the draft has always been a big deal. Throw some steaks on the grill, call your buddies up and make a day of it. It's really the ultimate football fan (read:male) bonding experience. This is not to say women don't or can't watch, but honestly how many women are going to argue about a wide receiver from Rutgers time and his time in the 40 yard dash and whether that means he can play the X receiver spot for the Giants? I love predicting which player will be a bust or who will be an all-pro. I love predicting the picks before they happen. I read about the draft year round. I devour mock drafts.

I realize becoming a GM for an NFL team is a long shot. Wes and I joked it would be more likely that one of us became an owner rather than a GM. I suppose if I can't be a GM, the next Mel Kiper wouldn't be so bad. Or maybe Adam Schefter. I don't like putting gel in my hair.

So, what is your favorite non-holiday day of the year?

Top 10 Movie Trilogies

2009-04-22T00:42:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: Some of these trilogies, when viewed as a whole, are not exactly great collections of three movies. In some cases, two of the movies were enough to carry a less than stellar third movie. The first trilogy is the perfect example. I have seen the first two movies in this trilogy at least 25 times each, yet I have never been able to sit through the third. Yet, the strength of the first two still bring this to the top of the list.

Also, before we get to the list, movies such as Rocky do not make the list because there are more than 3. Yet, some of the movies I include have added more recent (and terrible) versions, yet the original trilogies make the list. It doesn't quite make sense, does it? Yet, it does. You'll see after you read.

1. The Godfather. The first two movies are two of the top 5 to 7 movies of all time. The third is utter crapola. Yet, this is the top of the mountain. Imagine that. I always stop and watch whenever I see these on AMC or any other channel.

2A. Indiana Jones. I'm only considering the movies starring Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. Not the 186 year old version in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, or whatever it's called. I never even saw it. I just assume it was lousy. But the first three movies were classic action adventure movies in the 1980s.

2B. I know I'm cheating with the numbers here, but deal with it. You're not the IRS. Get over yourself. The Terminator and T:2 were so great, they can carry the flop of T:3 and the what I can only assume will suck T:4. T:3 was so bad I watched it with my brother and we forget we had seen it and rented it again and were surprised when it was terrible the second time and then remembered we had seen it a few months earlier but had blocked it out because it was so bad the first time but we forget and rented it again because we forgot how bad it was the first time and then were surprised when it sucked the second time. T:2 may have been the best action movie of all time. May have been.

3. Just the same as Indiana Jones, Die Hard (the first 3) were incredible. Pure action. Bruce Willis at his best. Then, one generation later, another version with the same aging (decrepit?) star. Still, you have to love the first three Die Hard movies. I think the third one was the best. But #1 was great. As was #2. Just a great trilogy, plus a stupid fourth which I am (once again) conveniently leaving out of consideration.

4. Back to the 1980s (and 1990 for #3) for Back to the Future. How many times have you seen these movies? Every time, they're great, aren't they? I knew you'd agree with me.

5. Major League. Again, like the Godfather series, the third installment of Major League can only be categorized as a disaster. However, the first two are great. Well, the first one is great and the second one is pretty good. Still, the first was strong enough to carry a solid movie and a real flop. And, yes, I am aware I compared Major League to the Godfather. Sheen, Snipes, Bernsen, Berenger and Quaid can compare with Pacino, DeNero, Caan, Brando, Duvall, and Vigoda.

6. I suppose at some point I'd have to include Star Wars. I'm going with the first trilogy (in terms of release), which is the second trilogy (in terms of the story). I guess this was more influential for other people than me, but it has to make the list.

7. Sticking with the science fiction genre, the Lord of the Rings collection makes its appearance. These were good movies, even if they were a bit "nerdy." I'll admit it, I have them on DVD. But I feel kinda dorky because of that. I'll live though. (Disclaimer: I think I'm a little crabby because the Rockets got hosed in Portland. All I'm saying is any time Joey Crawford is involved, the home team wins and the series is extended. I'm not saying the NBA is fixed. I'm not saying refs are crooked.)

8. The Man with no Name trilogy. If you don't like these, you're not a good person. Clint Eastwood at his best (and not his leathery-ist).

9. Even though he can't act, Keanu Reeves did star in the Matrix trilogy. Even if this may have been a Biblical allegory, the Matrix was still pretty dang cool. It did start the whole bullet dodging sequence.

10A. I considered making this higher on the list, but the third movie left such a bad taste in my mouth. It really was terrible. But the strength of Captain Jack Sparrow, who was actually in the first two movies (and not so much in #3) allows The Pirates of the Caribbean to round out the list.

10B. The Bourne Series. Look, I know a lot of people loved this movie. But I fell asleep watching one of them. In the theater. During the afternoon. It just didn't deliver the way it could have been. Just like Pirates, this was a lot of hype and marketing and not much in the way of a good movie. Both make the list because of potential, but rank this lowly because of failure to live up to that promise. Disagree if you want to. That's what the comments section is for, folks.

Honorable mention: Rambo, Blade, Alien, El Mariachi (Had it not been for Once Upon a Time In Mexico, this would have made the list) and Naked Gun.

Not so honorable mention: The Fast and the Furious, Crank, The Transporter, Scream and Final Destination.

Top 10 Lawyer Movies

2009-04-14T19:50:00.005-05:00

Well, with my law school career coming to an end (I have 11 [and counting] classes left), I figured now was as good a time as any to post my list of the top 10 lawyer movies.

1. Let's start with my favorite lawyer movie and one of my favorite movies of all time: A Time to Kill. There was a great line by Samuel L. and a great acting performance by Matthew McConaughey, perhaps the only one of his career. His closing argument was phenomenal.

2. This is a little more on the light side, but it is still a Southern murder movie involving two youths. My Cousin Vinny. This is how NOT to do cross examination.

3. Another quotable movie emerges at #3. A Few Good Men. A typical opening statement by the prosecution. One of Jack Nicholson's finest moments. Even Jack Bauer had a role in this movie.

4. The oldest movie on my list, To Kill a Mockingbird is, again, one of my favorite movies of all time. The book ain't so bad, either. Atticus Finch is the model of what a lawyer should be: integrity, honor, morals. There isn't much more to add.

5. Philadelphia. A sad movie, but a great movie. I really enjoyed the fact that Denzel Washington was not as holier-than-thou as he usually was in the mid 1990s. Also, there was a funny spoof on Family Guy.

6. Primal Fear. This was the first movie in which Edward Norton displayed his incredible acting ability. Great movie, great ending. Richard Gere played a typical defense attorney where people always wonder what trick he has up his sleeve.

7. Another Tom Cruise movie, but The Firm was a very good movie.

8. Another racial inequality in the South movie, Ghosts of Mississippi is a movie I stop to watch whenever I catch it on TNT or HBO.

9. the Pelican Brief. This movie scores points for me because it was filmed in New Orleans and Julia Roberts played a Tulane law student. A scene was even filmed in then law school building Jones Hall room 102.

10. A hilarious movie, Trial and Error, rounds out my top 10. This is basically 90 minutes of Seinfeld's Kramer being Kramer, not to be confused with Kramer vs. Kramer. An out of work actor decides to pretend to be an attorney. High jinks and shenanigans ensue.

Honorable mention goes to 12 Angry Men (the original), Jury Duty (just kidding) and The Devil's Advocate.

New Orleans

2009-04-12T20:30:00.003-05:00

I was in New Orleans this weekend for a wedding. After the wedding (and a beat down at black jack by the lovely people at Harrah's) we (and by we I mean a lot of people from the wedding) went to Pat O'Brien's. We walked in and saw Mark Cuban, billionaire, standing in the corner. His Mavericks were in town to play the Hornets. I walked over to him, introduced myself and asked if I could buy him a drink. He said that he should buy me a drink, but I told him it would be my pleasure to buy the drink. So I bought the billionaire a Hurricane. He introduced himself to the people I was with and talked with all of us for about 15 minutes. He said he was meeting up with some people later. He gave us some insight into why he was unable to buy the Chicago Cubs (the other owners didn't want him to join, he says). I asked him to trade Dirk Nowitski to the Rockets for Carl Landry, but he didn't think that was a good move. As he left, he came over to us and said bye and remembered our names. Quite impressive.

In other news, the trip was a lot of fun. There are a number of jokes that are simply out of bounds for a family blog such as this. I'll leave it at that.

Leave Barrack Obama Alone

2009-04-05T23:22:00.003-05:00

Ok, let's start out with the obvious. This is not a political blog, and, except on the night of the election, I've steered clear of politics. Some of the most touchy subjects are religion and politics. This is not a political issue. So don't overreact and accuse me of anything. Repeat, this is NOT about politics.

As a disclaimer, I will say I am an Obama fan. Did I wish he had more executive leadership before became our President? Sure. But, at the same time, change was needed, and, so far, it seems as though he hasbeen the changed we needed. Granted, not much has happened yet, but just a new face in the office seems to be a start in the right direction. Do I think Obama is the next Lincoln? No, but that is a tough comparison to make on anything other than a superficial level. Lincoln was one of the top three Presidents (arguably number one) in our history; Obama just recently completed his first 100 days in office. But hey, they were both Senators from Illinois.

Ok, I promised this wouldn't get political, so before I break my promise, let me make my point. I'm sick and tired of hearing about every little thing that happens to Obama. If his wife gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, I don't care. And neither should you. Why would anyone care about that? I realize some people are calling Obama the first celebrity President, but this is going too far. I don't care what he lives to eat, where he goes for his morning jog, his favorite websites, how he bowls, or any such nonsense. I want to know what Presidential duties he is performing and how he is performing them. Do I care what Obama's Final Four picks are? Nope, sure don't. All I'll say about that is I got 3 out of 4 and I'm pulling for UNC tomorrow so I can get second place in, uhh, a bracket for, uhh, pride and, uhh, honor. That's it, pride and honor and cash. Whoops.

Anyway, back to Obama. I don't want to sound like the guy (Stephen Crag) who said he was not Mark Twain (NOT safe for work: profanity), but leave Barrack Obama alone. Let the man (I'm not being sexist Laura and Abbie, he is a man...I'm stating a fact, so relax) do his job. Let him lead our country. There is a war going on. Our economy is not exactly booming. But Obama's choice for First Dog leads the evening news. Or whether he used his middle name when talking to Nicolas Sarkozy and what that means for our national security. Get with the freakin' program, people.

Major Development

2009-03-31T20:14:00.005-06:00

Who doesn't like salt? Who doesn't like bacon? What about a combination of the two? What if I told you that such a product existed? Now, here is the twist: it is low sodium, zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian and kosher. Yes, bacon salt exists. Their tag line is "Everything should taste like bacon." Beautiful.

I don't know how it is kosher. I don't know how it doesn't have calories. I don't know how it's vegetarian. I don't know how it is low in sodium. And I don't know how it has no fat. It's bacon. And it's salt. It's a combination of the two. A trult magical combination. But, somehow it works. Who am I to question it?

Bacon Salt comes in 9 flavors. Original, hickory, peppered, natural, apple wood, maple, cheddar, jalapeno, and mesquite. Apparently, you can put it on anything you would add salt to. There is even a product these fine people make called Baconnaise, which a bacon spread. Apparently, mayonnaise needed more bacon flavor. Who knew? Has anyone tried this product? Jordy? These are things I need to know.

I'm buying stock, if possible.

Meat and potatoes kind of guy

2009-03-30T19:05:00.003-06:00

With graduation around the corner, I was discussing with my family where we would go out to dinner to celebrate. For me, it was an easy choice. A steakhouse. A nice filet, medium rare. Some sort of potatoes. A salad, some dessert. A single malt. Seems just about perfect. Call me old fashioned, but I'm just a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I'm not saying it has to be a rubbery steak and soggy french fries, but sometimes simple is better. At the same time, I don't want to dress up in a tuxedo or a polished beaver fur top hat to eat, but a nice happy middle ground seems just about perfect.

Question for you guys: If you were celebrating a special occasion, such as graduating from law school or some other event, what kind of food would you eat? Leave comments with your ideas. Thanks, and have a nice day.

New addition to the blogosphere

2009-03-29T22:01:00.004-06:00

Ladies and gents, I've recently joined another blog as a columnist. This is a Houston Texans blog, dedicated to all things Houston Texans and is the definitive Houston Texans blog. My first story has been submitted and should be posted soon. This blog, if I say so myself, is work friendly, unlike some other Texans blogs, which are heavy on profanity and short on analysis and insight. I can read the newspaper myself, other blogs. Feel free to tell me something that's not there. Anyway, check out the other blog if you're interested in the Texans, or, if you're like me, dependent on the team's success for your self worth.

http://www.texansgab.com/

Enjoy.

When Pat Green Jumped the Shark

2009-03-23T22:32:00.003-06:00

(Photo caption: Pat Green, former Texas country singer)

No, he's not dead. He's just no longer a Texas singer, in my eyes. Pat Green is now a sell out, a Nashville pop singer, worthless. You choose. It's official: Pat Green jumped the shark.

I'll admit it, I was Pat Green fan. He was really good in concert, especially at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. He has a lot of good songs, including 3 days, Wave on Wave, Somewhere Between Texas and Mexico, Way Back Texas and Dixie Lullaby. Pat Green has some truly outstanding Texas Country music. It's not just because he sings about what makes Texas Texas. He had great songs that were mindless drivel.

But, recently, he has jumped the shark. I contend it began when he toured with huge sellout Kenny Chesney (as well as epic jackass) in 2006. Songs such as Let Me and Country Star are truly crap-tastic, especially Country Star. In that songs, it seems like he is making fun of d-bags and sell outs while becoming that same kind of d-bag and sell out himself. Now, the reason I like country is because of the stories in the songs. Reckless Kelly, Randy Rogers Band, Robert Earl Keen, Aaron Watson, etc. all sing true country songs. So do Willie Nelson, Pam Tillis, George Jones, Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard, among countless others.

Recently, Nashville music is all generic, mass produced, poppy, whiney and bad. Examples inlcude Tim McGraw, Dirks Bentley, Kenny Chesney and Brad Paisley. Pat Green now belongs in the second group.

The man jumped the shark.

(Note: Click the links above, people)

BBQ Road Trip Day 8: End of the Line

2009-03-20T23:53:00.003-06:00

(Caption: This was the meal we all shared in the best BBQ place in Texas. Read on to find out where that was.)

The last day of the BBQ came way too quickly, but we were able to end on a high note. Luling, Texas is home to City Market, one of the top 5 places in Texas. Unlike Pappy's, this place did not disappoint. The food was served fresh out of the pits on butcher paper and without forks. The city market was packed when we left a little before noon. The brisket, ribs and sausage were all very good. While this place was not as good as Kreutz's in Lockhart, Texas but was miles ahead of Pappy's, which should really be called Crappy's. But I don't want to be negative (it could be a first for me). Overall, we all have City Market between a 7.5 (Wes and I) to an 8 (Leighton).

Our consensus for best places and also for best items for the trip follows:

1. Kreutz's took the top spot by having the best sausage (Prize! for best sausage) and a close second (oh so close) ribs and brisket. The lack of sauce was not a problem. In fact, sauce was not even needed. Crackers in addition to bread was a great addition (Prize! for best innovation). Lockhart, Texas is home to the best BBQ in Texas.

2. Snow's in Lexington, Texas was very good. The brisket and sauce combination was very good and this was the best brisket we had. This was the #1 spot coming in and was narrowly edged out. Eating BBQ at 9:15am because the food runs out soon thereafter was also an interesting experience. I only wish the sausage was better and the prices were a little more in line with some of the other places. Nonetheless, this was the best brisket (Prize!) and was truly great.

3. Louie Mueller's in Taylor, Texas was our first stop and was a great start to the trip. The rubs were heavy on pepper and I loved it. Best ribs (Prize!) and the best quirk (Prize! for Shiner in frosted mason jars).

4. City Market in Luling, Texas was also very close to third. Spots 3 and 4 could really be a 3A and 3B but I chose to do it this way. The beans were very good and was the best side (Prize) we had the whole trip.

5. TC's Ponderosa is the last in our top 5. The sausage was very good and came in 4 varieties. The brisket and sauce combination was also very good. This was a distant fifth, but not because of anything it did or didn't do. The other places, specifically the top 2, were just that good. TC's is noteworthy because they use propane instead of wood. The meat are still very tender but are missing the smoke flavor that mesquite, oak or pecan would have added. Still, a good BBQ place. If you're ever in Dickens, Texas, check it out. It's not hard to miss as there is nothing else in Dickens, Texas. This is good small town BBQ.

BBQ Road Trip Day 7

2009-03-20T23:40:00.003-06:00

We got back on the road again. (click the link, people) Thursday we headed to Pappy's in Monahan's, Texas. We drove about 4 hours from El Paso, Texas to eat at his place in a tiny Texas town. It was included in Texas Monthly's Top 50 BBQ places in Texas that inspired our trip. Pappy's should not have been included. I suppose something could be said for the three of us being spoiled on great BBQ over the past week, but Pappy's simply did not measure up. Besides the utter confusion by the geniuses behind the counter when we tried to order anything other than their BBQ plates, the experience was anything but funny. The brisket was not very tender, the ribs were only ok and the sausage was Eckridge Farm. The potato salad came from Sam's, as did the other sides. The (self-proclaimed) world famous apple dumplings were, in a word, crapola. Everything tasted store bought. It doesn't even get its own customized review. Wes gave this place a 4 and described it as "generic." Mountain man Leighton gave it a 3.5 and described it as "store-bought" while I gave it a 2.5 and described it as "disappointing."

The best part of the day was the long drive to San Antonio. At one point, we went nearly 90 miles without turning and saw only 3 other vehicles. San Antonio, when we got there, was a lot of fun and we ate some more good Mexican food, including puffy tacos.

We were all somewhat disappointed that the road trip was nearly over and had gone by so fast. It was truly a great escape from reality and a much needed diversion before the grind of finals and the bar exam.

BBQ Road Trip Day 6

2009-03-20T23:34:00.004-06:00

After a long day of driving on Tuesday, it was good to relax with Trey in El Paso, Texas on Wednesday. We had a good Mexican lunch with some medium-sized margaritas. Technically, we did not have BBQ this day, but we did have some fajitas and tacos al carbon. I think it counts. Just being able to hang out was great and we were able to break up the two long days of driving.

BBQ Road Trip Day 5

2009-03-17T22:14:00.003-06:00

Today, we broke away from our Austin nest and headed to West Texas to eat at TC's Ponderosa in Dickens, Texas. Suffice to say, Dickens, Texas is truly in the middle of nowhere. There was the gas station in which the BBQ joint was located, an out of business feed store and a restaurant open only on Friday and Saturday in Dickens, Texas. The population was around 340 people. Not exactly a bustling metropolis. Nonetheless, the BBQ was good. The scenery was also quite nice.

Leighton: This place is the quintessential Texas BBQ joint. Its truly in the middle of nowhere. Dickens, Texas consists of one road, a few structures, and a big hill in the background. Classic small town Texas. The BBQ was quite good as well. This place has been run by 2 very cool women for the past 10 years. And they cook some great sausage and brisket. The jalapeno and cheese sausage was the best, followed by the hot link and traditional German sausage. The sauce was good, nice and thick, with a little kick to it. The place definitely got a boost when one of the owners came out and gave us a free link of sausage. Very nice of her. And the free sausage was very good. Overall, I rank this place a 7.5.

Wes: The brisket was good, but lacked the smokey flavor I have come to expect. As was said above, all of the sausages were very good. The atmosphere defined small town Texas, but limited our total enjoyment. They skimped us on pickles (Vik ate all of them) and the truck stop set-up rushed our meal. Vik was busted for trying to sneak in a beer. 7

Vik: The sausages were all very good, especially the jalepeno and cheese version. The sauce was very good. The brisket was pretty good. It was very tender but did not have much of a smoke flavor. Wes does not recall exactly what happened in the same manner that I do, but it's ok. The sides other than the potato salad were useless. TC's was noted for having exceptional pineapple pudding but they did not have any when we arrived. It should be noted we drove over 13 hours today.

We are in El Paso now. Before we leave, I'll leave you with some funny quotes.

Leighton -- Is that all whiskey? Vik -- No. Some of the ice melted.

Leighton, who has not shaved in 4 days, declared himself to be a mountain man.

Finally, I nearly ran over a dog today that was trotting down the highway in the middle of nowhere, Texas. I was able to avoid it, but it was sad.

BBQ Road Trip Day 4: The Top of the Mountain?

2009-03-16T14:45:00.003-06:00

This afternoon, a truly glorious Texas spring day (makes you glad to be alive and a Texan) Wes, Leighton and I headed out to Lockhart, Texas to eat at Kreuz's Market. Just look at the sky. Beautiful. This place had been in operation since 1900. Without giving too much away from each of the reviews, we may have reached the top of the mountain. Simply amazing. Kreuz's does not have sauce or forks (they say it is at the end of your arm). They do have 2 kinds of sausage, brisket and ribs (although beef ribs are only available on the weekends). The beans were good. An interesting addition was the saltines. Finally, before we get to the reviews, it should be noted that the building is enormous. I mean enormous.

Leighton: Kruez's can be summed up in a single word: bold. They do not offer any BBQ sauce or forks for that matter. Now, I think BBQ sauce is an integral part of the experience, so to not offer any is quite a brazen move. However, this place met, and surpassed, all of my expectations. The jalapeno and cheese sausage was probably the best single item of BBQ I have had this whole trip. The brisket, both the lean and fatty, were excellent. Being Texan born and bred, I prefer the fatty, or full flavor, brisket, but I must say the lean was great here. The pork ribs and jalapeno beans were very tasty as well. As Vik eluded to, we might have found the pinnacle of BBQ places today. While other places may beat Kruez's on a single meat dish, Kruez's was strong on every single BBQ item. An all around incredible experience. Overall, I rank it a strong 9.5.

Wes: Everything was fantastic. The jalapeno and cheese sausage was phenomenal and was by far one of the best portions on the entire trip. Both briskets were exceptionally tasty and proved to serve the "snacker" well. I was not expecting this quality from such a large operation, but Kreuz's proved to be the best yet. Nothing is finer than an ice cold Shiner. 9.5

Vik: These fine gents spoke to a lot of what I was going to say, so I'll (try to at least) keep this short. Incredible. Both briskets were great. The sausages were great, the ribs were great, the beans were great, everything was great. It was the best BBQ I've ever eaten. 9.5 out of 10. I don't know what could have made it perfect, but this was as close as anything could have come.

I'd also like to add a short bit about the taco truck around the corner from Jon's place. Breakfast tacos are a dollar and are freshly made. Really good, and a nice bonus on the trip.

BBQ Road Trip Day 3

2009-03-15T21:39:00.007-06:00

Before we get to the BBQ analysis, there are a few more comments I'd like to bring to your attention. This morning, I noticed I had a new blog follower (Hi Katy). I now have 11. I told Wes and Leighton, jokingly, that if I can only get one more I could call myself the blog Jesus. Wes pointed out it was Sunday. I was undeterred.

On the way to Salt Lick, we noticed a Hindu temple. Leighton said that they have all sorts of weird "stuff" out here. I raised my hands in indignation.

So, on a beautiful Austin day, we drove to Driftwood to eat at Salt Lick. It's not in the top 50 but it is one of the places people talk about in the Austin tradition, along with Stubb's, Rudy's, Green Mesquite, etc. Anyway, on to the reviews.

Leighton: Let me start off by saying I have been to Salt Lick before, but it is an Austin BBQ staple so we had to add it to the list. Salt Lick had an uphill battle because it is a whole different category of BBQ joint. The others we have been to have all been small town places and Salt Lick is more along the mass produced BBQ line. That being said, the ribs and sausage were quite good. However, the brisket was not near as good as the other places. Salt Lick's BBQ sauce is fantastic. It has a strong honey mustard flavor to it, which I love. And unlike everyone else, I liked the habanero version of the sauce better. There were several negatives though. The service was not good, and I am big on service. The sides (potatoes, beans, and cole slaw) were not very good either. Also, the cobbler was just decent, but still cost like 7 bucks. One good note is that Salt Lick is BYOB, which added a bit. Overall I rank it a 6.5. Salt Lick is decent, but it could not compare with the bastions of BBQ that we have experienced thus far.

Jon: I've also had Salt Lick before, though I hadn't been to the actual restaurant. We get catered barbecue at my job every now and then, and Salt Lick has been head and shoulders above the others. After visiting Salt Lick proper I may want to stick to getting it closer to home. The food was good, but while I don't usually care about "the atmosphere and the attitude" when I go out to eat, Salt Lick suffers in comparison to yesterday's trip to Snow's. I won't go into great detail, but there's something to be said for eating barbecue off of butcher paper rather than a plastic three-compartment plate. The ribs were very good, and while the brisket was also good it wasn't nearly as tender as Snow's. I liked the sausage a little more than yesterday's, though there were a few pieces where the casing was tough. There also, unfortunately, wasn't any pork (at least not as part of the meal we had). The potatoes and cole slaw we had were, in a word, bland. The real standout at Salt Lick is the sauce. It's a little thicker than the sauce at Snow's and has a good balance of tangy and sweet. In the end, when I compare the meat at the two places I've had the privilege to visit on this strip, Salt Lick is a level below Snow's. Rating: 7

Wes: Great for the massive quantities of food they produce, but not in the same league as the other joints on this tour. 6

Vik: I also had not been to Salt Lick before, but had heard good things and had seen it on TV before. The ribs were very tender and fell off the bone. Sausage was very good, as was the sauce and bread. The brisket was pretty good but not anywhere near as tender as the other places. Don't get me wrong, it was good but just not fall apart tender. 7 out of 10.

See the photo above. Wes came up with a great idea for Super Bowl and other such viewing parties. A piece of brisket, along with sauce, a pickle and onion on top of one piece of bread. Not the whole sandwich, but open faced. Keep in mind this "snacker" is to be eaten in one bite. Don't try and eat a bigger piece in one bite, never mind if somebody says no way you can eat that and you say sounds like a wager to me and you eat it all and when you try to chew it you nearly vomit. Don't do that. Make smaller pieces. Trust me.

In other news, we played mini golf in the Barton Springs area. All I'm saying is, when we played a dollar per hole, I ended up winning $16. I'm just saying.

Finally, we went to eat dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant named Dong Nai. Jon begged me to act like an adult. I did pretty good until the food came out. I remarked "here comes a boat load of food." I did not mean to (hello Thai), but will admit that I did, nonetheless, make a joke about boat people. For that, I'm sorry. On a final note, that was one of the most PC things I said all day. None of those can be published here; this is a family blog.

BBQ Road Trip Day 2: After Snow's

2009-03-15T09:07:00.004-06:00

As we were leaving Snow's, an old man remarked that based on the amount of food we had eaten, we must work for the railroad. I'm not sure what that means, but I found it quite funny. Either we ate a lot of food, or the rail road pays well. Either way, we are taking it as a compliment.

Anyway, Saturday night we went to the Austin Rodeo. We saw Extreme Bull Riding and the Randy Roger's Band. The band was awesome. They played for 90 minutes or so, including all their hits. Heckuva show. There was also a girl who was incredibly drunk who fell down the stairs. One of us, and I won't say who (it wasn't me) was ready to perform CPR.

The bull riding was equally impressive. One guy was thrown off the front of the bull after their heads collided. He was knocked out. The replay showed him limp as a rag doll when he hit the ground. In addition, we also ate corn dogs. One of the greatest inventions of all time. Jon (posts as Frink) may be allergic to corn dogs as he sneezed for a solid 3 minutes after his first bite of corn dog. Gross.

In other news, there was a young child who participated in the Mutton Bustin' competition who looked exactly like a young Leighton, only with his hair (not one out of place!!) parted (straight as a razor part) on the other side of his head. He was even wearing cuff links (that may not be true).

Photo caption: Wes poses with one of the Austin Rodeo mascots.

Salt Lick in Driftwood for BBQ today. Should be great. Enjoy your Sunday.

BBQ Road Trip Day 2

2009-03-14T10:24:00.003-06:00

7:40: Vik -- I'm gonna show you a trick. Leighton -- Is it re-using yesterday's undershorts? Vik -- (pulls up pants)

After chilling on a rainy and cold Friday night, we headed off at 8:05am for Lexington, Texas, home of Snow's BBQ. Snow's is only open Saturdays from 8am until they run out of food, which is usually around 11am. We arrived after nearly killing a buzzard and flying down some country.

Leighton: Seeing as how Snow's was ranked #1 in Texas Monthly, we all had high expectations for this place. I am happy to say that it did not disappoint! We had brisket, ribs, sausage, and pork which were all very good. The brisket was very tender with just the right amount of fat and the pork was incredible. I must say that the pork ribs were not as good as Louie Mueller's. However, the side dishes at Snow's were top notch. We had a mayonnaise based potato salad (I usually prefer a mustard based but was still great) and they also had free beans which were fantastic. Finally, the BBQ sauce was just perfect. It was a fine mix of sweet, spicy, and tangy and added a great finishing touch for the main course. All in all, I give Snow's an 8.5.

Wes: The shack on Main Street met all my expectations. The brisket and sauce combination was fantastic. Only negative, no alcohol. 9

Jon: I'm the requisite northerner for this leg of the group (I'm from Virginia), so I didn't grow up eating great barbecue like these people. I've had good barbecue, and I've had very good barbecue since I moved to Austin, but I wouldn't really call myself a connoisseur at this point in my life. Snow's is one of those places you have to be looking for to find. While Leighton was ordering the meat and chatting up the staff Vik decided he wanted more brisket. As it turns out, we ordered way too much barbecue, which to be honest is better than the alternative. The best thing about Snow's is how tender the meat is. The meat fell off Vik's rib when he shook it a little (though who knows why he was shaking his rib), and the pork and brisket were both cooked really well. The brisket got the most praise from the group, but I'm gonna go to bat for the pork for a minute. It was so tender and had this great smoky flavor that didn't overwhelm the meat. I wasn't as big of a fan of the sausage as some of the others, but it was very good. The sides of potato salad and beans were both also very good, but let's be honest; this a barbecue road trip (or so I was told), so the barbecue should be the main consideration. Luckily, Snow's set a very high bar. Rating: 8.5

Vik: Rating -- 8.5. This was an incredible BBQ place. The brisket was the perfect blend fat and lean meat. The sausage was pretty good. The ribs were also good, but not as good as Louie Mueller's. There was a pork loin that was great as well. The sauce was much better than Louie Mueller's. I only wish there was more pepper and spice on the rub. From what I could tell, the rub they used was red chili pepper, salt and black pepper (just not enough of it). Even though we arrived at 9:05 am, there was a line and people gathered outside. Great BBQ.

I'm also hoping the weather improves soon. Not being able to go outside in Austin is somewhat disappointed, although I'm sure tonight's rodeo with the Randy Rogers Band and extreme bull riding (how that could be more extreme, I don't know). More to come later.

BBQ Road Trip Day 1

2009-03-13T17:59:00.003-06:00

11:21. Leaving Houston on Friday the 13th. In the rain. Not worried, however. Optimism is high. Our destination is Louie Mueller's (pronounced "Millers") in Taylor, Texas for a late lunch.

11:29 Leighton -- You know a buzzard's defense mechanism is to throw up? Vik -- I realize we're going to small towns in Texas, but I don't plan on being in any situation where provoking a buzzard is an option.

11:50 Vik -- Guys, I forget the Febreeze. We might need it. Leighton -- What are you planning back there? Vik -- You never know man. Wes -- Are you wearing a thong? Vik -- Good things these are leather seats.

12:03pm Vik -- I'm getting hungry. Leighton -- Me too. Wes -- I have some crackers in the back to tide you over, big guy. Vik -- That won't do. At this point, it has to be beef.

12:18 Driving through Brenham. Sure am glad we moved to Houston back in 1992. Thanks Mom and Dad. Vik -- There is a Chili's!! Leighton -- Brenham is booming, man.

1:40 Arrived at Louie Mueller's in Taylor Texas. Here is everyone's review, in their own words.

Wes: Shiner bock in a frosted mason jar. Perfect. 8 out of 10.

Leighton: 7.5 Pork ribs were very good. Covered in a ton of pepper and enough grease to drown a small child. Two kinds of brisket: moist (aka fatty) and lean. The moist was excellent, a lot of flavor. I found the lean brisket to be too dry for my taste. Sausage was alright, my least favorite of the stop. Potato salad was just right, maybe too much celery. The surprise of the stop was the pickles. With their full flavor they were the perfect combo with the BBQ. I must say that I was disappointed in the sauce. IT was vinegar based and way too runny for my taste. All in all a great first stop. Top quality family run joint. Actually met the third generation owner, very nice guy.

Vik: 7.5. Pork ribs were great. Unlike Leighton, I liked the lean brisket better. The moist one was too fatty for my taste. I do agree with Leighton tat the sausage was only ok. It was too loose of a consistency for me. It just fell apart when you cut into it. The atmosphere was great, even if it was cold because Leighton hid my jacket in the car. We met the third generation owners, 2 sons of Bobby Mueller. One served us and the other spoke with us at length. We told them that we were on a bbq road trip for spring break and they thanked us for including them on our trip. We learned about the history of the place and the area. For some reason they were under the impression that we were from Texas Monthly and doing a bbq inspection. Wayne Mueller gave us a media kit after running back to his office for it. Overall, it was a great experience.

3:00. We went to Wes's family land in Jonah, Texas. Saw some really wet cow dogs and an old dairy barn. Too cold to stay much longer that the time required to look around. On to Austin, Texas.

3:35. In Georgetown, Texas. Met with Travis and Meredith Holmstrom (Wes's brother and sister in law) along with their son William and 2 huge dogs. Leighton was almost castrated by a golden law named Brandon. He would have had to change his driver's license.

8:05 Luke Wilson walks out of Guero's Taco Bar. Delicious Tacos were then consumed.

Texas Heritage Tour 2.0: BBQ Road Trip

2009-03-12T08:46:00.003-06:00

So, spring break (Spring Break?) starts tomorrow (or this evening, if you don't have Friday classes [or whenever you decide to stop going to classes]) and this is the last spring break of my life. Sad, a little, admittedly. But, along with Leighton, I decided to make the most of this week off from class and work. After discussing the merits of a road trip across the country and stumbling across Texas Monthly's Top 50 BBQ joints in Texas, we struck lightning in a bottle. Road trip across Texas for BBQ. We spent a few hours mapping and planning. We have our five thousand country songs on our mp3 players (Note: it's not a Zoon, because we are not losers) and are set to leave Friday morning.

I am planning on blogging from the road with updates on BBQ, small towns in Texas and general shenanigans. Things will only be editted for language, as I'm sure some people (probably me) will get possibly (its pretty much a sure thing) carried away. Upon our return, we will provide our top 7 BBQ joints from the trip. Why 7 you ask? Well, 7 days on the trip, it just seems to work. (Also, 7 is a much better number than 8).

Before we leave, however, I will do a pre-season top 7. Feel free to discuss. Also, and I always took pride in this, but people from Texas always (almost always, at least) say they are from a city, Texas or are going to a city, Texas. For example, when Vince Young was being interviewed after winning back to back Rose Bowls and a National Championship, he said he was bringing the trophy back to "Austin, Texas." My brother was born in Brenham, Texas. I go to school in Houston, Texas. It's just how it is. I can dig it (which is becoming my new phrase of the week).

1. Lexington, Texas. Snow's BBQ. Only open Saturday morning from 8am till they run out of food. The top place in Texas, according to Texas Monthly. Run by an 80 year old woman. Supposed to be the best brisket in Texas. It's the favorite, going in.

2. Lockhart, Texas. Kreuz BBQ. Supposed to have the best sausages in Texas. You don't even get a fork at Kreuz BBQ. Forget a plate. You get your meal in butcher paper along with an optional plastic knife. Use bread or tortillas to dig in. The spot that will take the top spot if Snow's fails to deliver.

3. Driftwood, Texas. The Salt Lick. Not much needs to be said here. This reliable joint outside of Austin is annually on the lists of top BBQ places in Texas. It is also one of the last open pit places in Texas.

4. Taylor, Texas. Louie Mueller's BBQ. This is the darkhorse to win the championship. All-beef jalepeno sausage, two kinds of brisket. Screen door. Order by the pound. No plates, only butcher paper. This is the way BBQ was meant to be eaten.

5. Dickens, Texas. TC's Ponderosa. Even though Dickens, Texas is awful close to the Sand Aggies, TC's is a beacon of BBQ light in the deserts of West Texas.

6. Luling, Texas. City Market. Another dark horse to rise up in take the top prize. Only serving brisket, ribs and sausage. Again, no forks. But you won't need a fork here. The same pit has been smoking post oak wood for more than 50 years.

7. Monahans, Texas. Pappy's BBQ. You're asking yourself, how could a place called Pappy's be last? Well, it's not last, it's just number 7 on our top 7. It's still good. Also, we will be leaving the West Texas town of El Paso (Texas) before eating at Pappy's. Just thought I'd get that Marty Robbins song stuck in your head.

Just for the record, the worst BBQ in Texas is served at the cafeteria at the Criminal Justice Center in Houston, Texas. Just awful. They should be slapped.

And even more on Shaq

2009-03-06T23:09:00.005-06:00

Over his admittedly illustrious career Shaquille O’Neal has proven himself one of the most dominant big men in the history of basketball. He’s a 4-time NBA Champion, the 2000 NBA MVP, was the ‘92-’93 NBA Rookie of the Year, has been a NBA Finals MVP three times, was the NBA scoring champ twice and has earned a trip to 15 All Star games.

You can’t argue with that success. What you can say, though, is that he’s an obnoxious ingrate that doesn’t deserve a lick of it.

Shaq hit the genetic lottery and he’s translated that into a remarkable career. Good for him. But it’s been a decade since we can actually say he worked hard for an entire season. He takes more games off than any player in the league and more often than not shows up to camp woefully out of shape, content to rest on that raw physical supremacy and never push himself to his fullest potential.

He’s never bothered to learn to shoot free throws. He hasn’t made a 12-foot jumper in about four years. He’s never made an effort to foster team chemistry or to get along with teammates or coaches. He’s never put the team before his own bloated, sweaty ego.

He’s feuded with Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson, ending a Lakers dynasty that could have been one of the best in NBA history. He’s made racist remarks about Yao Ming. He’s dug on nearly every former coach and former city and team he’s played for. There’s a reason fans in every city he’s ever played in have learned to hate Shaq shortly after his departure (usually by virtue of a trade demand): he’s an ass. Be careful where you devote your idolatry, Phoenix. You’re next. Nobody in the NBA better personifies petulance than the Diesel.

Of late he’s been spouting off with renewed vigor. His idiot man-child brain unable to process his own increasing irrelevance, he’s lashing out. Hot off his unprovoked attack on NBA good-guy Chris Bosh in which he called the Toronto Raptors center, “the RuPaul of big men,” Shaq proved to be just getting warmed up. O’Neal tried to start a war of words with the gregarious Dwight Howard prior to their meeting on Tuesday, one which Dwight wisely didn’t want anything to do with. Dwight, the NBA’s current best center despite Shaq’s indignance, and the Magic prevailed. Poor Shaq didn’t like it. The big man’s response proved the axiom: jealousy is ugly.

After the game Stan Van Gundy, his former coach from Miami, expressed dismay at a Shaq flop. It’s understandable because not only is O’Neal the biggest man on the floor but he’s also been the most outspoken critic of flops in the NBA for ten years. Van Gundy said after the game, “I was shocked, seriously, shocked. And very disappointed cause he knows what it’s like. Lets stand up and play like men, and I think our guy did that tonight.”

Shaq’s response? Take gutless, shallow, and pedantic shots at everybody he could think of from Stan Van Gundy to his brother Jeff to Patrick Ewing. The transcript is below. I’ve never understood why he gets such a free pass for his childish behavior and remarks and why the NBA blogosphere is always all-too-eager to yuck it up at the latest instance of “Shaq being Shaq,” but I think we can all agree that this time he’s not just crossed but obliterated the line of decorum, professionalism and adult behavior. The man is an insufferable jackass by any definition of the term.

Can we finally stop shrugging his antics off and call a spade a spade? Shaq is the most classless professional athlete in America.

Thanks to C.Y. Ellis over at Hoops Vibe for the following transcription of Shaq’s response to Stan Van Gundy:

He (Howard) came with the same old, stale Patrick Ewing move so I tried to stand there and take the charge. The new rules say if you come through, you fall. But as I fell, I realized that it was a flop and it reminded me of Coach Van Gundy’s whole coaching career. The one thing I despise is a frontrunner. First of all, none of his players like him. When it gets tough, he will become the master of panic like he did before and he will quit like he did before. The one thing I despise is frontrunners. Yeah, he’s got a young team playing good but don’t be a frontrunner. Him and his brother and even the legend on the bench ain’t done what I’ve done in my whole career. So flopping would be the wrong choice of words.

I just tried to take a charge. The (expletive - deleted) rules say you can’t stand there and get hit. You’ve got to fall. He got the same old stinking move that Patrick Ewing has been doing his whole career. I went down, got up and didn’t complain. I see him and Stan complaining the whole game because they’ve got to. Remember, I’ve done more than him, his brother and Patrick Ewing.

Stan Van Gundy reminds me of a broke navigational system. He knows everything about everything but ain’t never been nowhere. Think about that. If I’m right here and I type in the address of where you’re going, I know where it’s at but I’m not going there.

When a bum says some shit about it and I respond, you can (expletive - deleted) cancel that cuz I know how he is in real life. We’ll see when the playoffs start and he (expletive - deleted) panics and quits like he did when he was here (in Miami). And you (expletive - deleted) print it just like that. Do I look soft to you like you can say something and I’m not going to say something?

Notice they didn’t play me straight up. We’ll see how far they go cuz I know Stan. I said this a long time ago but I was actually talking about him: ’When the general panics, the troops will panic. Like in business, when the head panics and takes out all his stock, what happens?

All the players hate him. The players don’t even like him. I hate frontrunners. I really do. I don’t like any frontrunners. There’s a pecking order involved. I’ve been there six times.

I ain’t going to let no bum like him rip me and not say anything back. You can cancel that (expletive - deleted) all the way. Usually, I let (expletive - deleted) go. Not that. Not him. Hell no.

The rules say when a guy goes through your chest you’ve got to fall to get the call. It was a flop. You’ve watched me play for 17 years. I don’t play like that.

I’m not going to sit around and let nobodies take a shot at me and he is a nobody to me. And if he thinks he can get in a little press conference and take shots at me like I’m not going to say something back, he’s got another thing coming.

Usually you let things go, Shaq? Strange, I can’t remember that ever happening.

For me it took place long ago, but hopefully for many others that’s the final straw. Hopefully he’s ensured that we don’t remember Shaq for any of his on-court greatness, but as one of the biggest jackasses in sports history. A big, hyper-sensitive child.

Recently, Shaq knocked down Dwayne Wade towards the end of this weeks Phoenix - Miami game. In trademark Shaq fashion, instead of offering a hand to help his former teammate up (the guy he rode to an NBA Championship), he chose to arrogantly stand over Wade, glaring at him like the big, stubborn mule that he is.

Stay classy, Shaquille.

More on Shaq

2009-03-06T23:02:00.002-06:00

Oh, that Shaquille O’Neal is such a kidder.

You’ve recently seen him jumping onstage at a rap show to belittle Kobe Bryant, heard his hil-arious racial jokes plucked straight out of the ‘50s, and seen him on TV spouting off innumerable quips and one-liners that get the adoring media in stitches.

It seems he’s now added another trick to his repertoire of uproarious hijinks—making prank calls to female rappers in which he heavily pants into the phone like a hippopotamus in heat before hanging up:

The Suns center has been slapped with a temporary restraining order by hip hot artist Alexis Miller – known professionally as Maryjane – the Atlanta Journal Constitution reported today. Miller filed the restraining order in Atlanta with Fulton County Superior Court, alleging that O’Neal stalked her, threatened her with bodily harm and made harassing phone calls in which he breathed heavily into the phone before hanging up.

The Journal Constitution reported that Miller, 23, claimed she ended an intimate relationship with O’Neal last month. She alleged he then threatened to pay performers $50,000 each not to work with her.

Under terms of the temporary restraining order, O’Neal is prohibited from having any contact or coming within 200 yards of Miller or her 19-month-old son. O’Neal, who resides in Florida, is not the father of the child, Wolfe said.

The fun just never ends with this gentle ambassador for the NBA. We could not confirm that O’Neal is now available for appearances at your child’s next birthday party.

Call me old fashioned

2009-03-05T15:05:00.003-06:00

Call me old fashioned, but there is something wrong with people today. I'm not claiming to be a saint, by any means, but there used to be a certain level of decency and decorum in society where every personal thing in somebody's life was up for public debate.

By way of background, I went to get a hair cut today at Fantastic Sam's on West Gray. Half way through the hair cut, all was good. I'm not much of a talker during the hair cut. I want the person cutting my hair to pay attention and not screw up my hair. Yes, I know, I don't even brush my hair but it still doesn't need a huge gash in it from the shaver. Anyway, back to my point. The lady next to my chair was, oh, about 275 pounds and 5'4". She was bemoaning the fact that her fiancee would not let her get a dog, unless she ensured that the dog would not get on the bed or couch. This seems reasonable. What you do in your house is your business. I have no problem respecting that.

Then, however, things took a turn for the worst. The same lady who wanted the dog said that her fiancee would not let her sit on the couch unless she was wearing proper panties. If she was wearing a thong under a dress, she could not sit on the couch because her "bare a$$" would be on the couch.

Now, I don't even know where to start. I'll leave it to your imagination to fill in the gaps (no pun intended), but I found problems with the controlling nature of the fiancee (that can't be a healthy relationship [ he also won't let her wear shoes in the house and since she is a self-professed snorer, she has to go to bed after him]), the image of that "beefy" woman in a thong, and, finally, the notion that a woman that large is even able to purchase a thong. I won't make cheap jokes light maybe it was a pair of bloomers that just got stuck in the crevasse of her backside. I just won't make that joke. All I'm saying is, there should be a maximum size that thongs come in. I'm also not going to judge people for being overweight. But you can't wear belly shirts if you have a gut, ladies. Fellas, if you need to wear the next size up on your shirt, do so. Nobody needs to see the imprint of your back fat. That's just gross.

My take on Shaq

2009-03-05T00:21:00.002-06:00

Shaquille O'Neal, a force never before seen in the NBA, is a big baby. Not Big Baby on the Celtics. But an actual baby. Sure, Shaq has been dominant. But he's only been able to use his immense size to overpower opponents. All he can do is dunk. Without a doubt, he's an incredible athlete. A man of that size, doing what he does (did?) is truly remarkable.

But, at the same time, he's not the best basketball player. He can't shoot. He can't shoot from more than three feet away from the basket. Forget free throws. He's never won anything without a dominant player next to him. Kobe in LA. Wade in Miami. Even now in Phoenix, he's got Nash and other good players around him. In Orlando, he had Penny and shooters around him. He's nowhere near the player Hakeem was. (As a note on Hakeen, remember what happened to David Robinson in 1995? Here's your reminder.) And don't forget what happened when Dream and Shaq played in the Finals in 1995. Sweep, back to back, Clutch City.

Anyway, back to Shaq. I think he's hilarious. I really do. His ESPN commercials are truly great. He was good in other commercials, as well. The Big Diesel is even a heckuva dancer.

But Shaq can NOT take a joke. One jab at Shaq and he's calling everyone else this and everyone else that. He's thrown every teammate under the bus who ever crossed him or said one word edge wise. Even to D-Wade, who placated the Big Aristotle. He asked Kobe how his "backside" tasted. Then, when he got called out for it, claimed it was a joke. Forget the rest of the feud, when two grown man threw away at least 2 championships because of ego. He always has an excuse. He always whines. He's called out coaches Stan Van Gundy, Phil Jackson, and Pat Riley. Every owner. As soon as he leaves somewhere, he feels the need to burn bridges.

Its almost pathological. Allow me to play amateur psychologist for a moment. Since Shaq's step-father, Sgt. Phil Harrison (do I know too much about sports if I knew that off the top of my head?) moved around so much in the army, causing young (notice I did not say small) Shaq to constantly need the grass in his new destination to be greener than in his old stomping grounds? Did his desire to not be the new guy but everyone's friend require him to make fun of everything in his past so as to gain acceptance in his present? Does that metaphor work? I think it does. What's the deal with that? Any thoughts from you guys?